Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Exclamationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 791
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 487



    Description:
       This is probably horrible, but I wrote something that didn't make me want to weep with shame, so I'm happy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsExclamationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A typical life is an unanswered question;
    a successful one is a declaration;
    her life was an exclamation.
    She lived for experience
    never caring for enlightenment.
    She thought life's uncertainties
    Wwould resolve themselves
    like the tidy end to a sitcom plot.
    Nevertheless, she was prophetic:
    her life was intense and brief.
    It ended in the point
    of a syringe filled with heroin
    hanging from her arm.




    Submitted on 2005-04-29 22:23:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nice write. After the first three lines I thought every line would have the same scheme. But, I liked it, the description was good and flow good, although abrupt. As I mentioned, after the first three lines I thought the whole piece would be as the first three. This is your piece, your thought, so scheme doesn't play a part if this was you intent. nice work.
    | Posted on 2005-05-20 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow that was depressing as hell. HEre you paint a beautiful image of the spontanious and empty. The ending seemed to throw the piece into the winds which is a perfect illustration of the calamity of thoughtlessness
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by cainboy | [ Reply to This ]
      well, I didn't see that one coming. I really identified with your heroine until the heroin. You have achieved a subtle stunner. It starts out so introspective and then the exclamation at the end of the piece- her physical exclamation, wow. This is unique Amy...a different voice then I am used to from you. Hope you are well. Much love- Rene'
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...what a shocking ending. I am still amazed at how you can tell a complicated story with so few words...this would have taken me a page or two...

    Very philosophical in the first two lines and throughout, really. I also love the word play on "exclamation" and then the "point" of the needle. One might think it coincedence, but I know better with you.
    | Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      i didnt know where it was going...i started to think i'd be let down with something predictable, then there was the punch of the ending, brilliant, although i thought the first two lines rhyming sort of slows down the entry into the poem, nevertheless, nice little poem
    thanks for sharing

    ellisa
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]
      I really didn't expect this ending. and that is great when you're able to surprise your readers.
    unfortunately you write about the truth. that's how it ends mostly these days. we live in a strange time where we need such things like drugs to really live.
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      what a downer... i don't mean that in a bad way, that came out wrong! this made me think of someone i knew in Berkeley, on fire and exclaiming life like a tornado, totally rash and untethered. drugs took her way down. the image of the needle in her arm, looking like an exclamation point is a stunner of an ending. well done Amy. your fertile mind is a well-spring.
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      This was exceptional again. I like the question, declaration exclamation references to portray different experiences. They really work as ways of looking at life. I could well imagine being a drug addict was an excllmation experience.

    I know you're not a fan of punctuation. I think an"!" would really work at the end of line either three or line four. I would change the words "It ended in the point
    Of a syringe filled with heroin
    Hanging from her arm". to "It ended in a fullstop
    With a syringe-stab jab, filled with heroin
    A hanging indent in her arm"
    As a way of bringing the language of puctuation through to the end of the poem.

    Just athought you might want to play with...

    Anyways as salways i really enjoyed you writing and learn alot from you :)
    Kate xoxoxo
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I really like this. This is definitely not something to throw away that's for sure. I really like the idea of someone who lives life fast, to the point, spontaneous so to speak. Then dies by something of this magnitude. I know it's not good and it does happen but the way you wrote it made it sound exciting and vibrate. Almost like it wasn't a bad thing to die at the end point of a syringe full of heroin. Does that make sense? I don't know if it does but this piece certainly did. I loved it! :) Great job!
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      this is the truth today. very well written ,I wasn't expecting it to be so harsh with the reality of life oozing from it. A bad way to find fake happiness which doesn't last long and usually ends up in death later on. great job
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by wildheart | [ Reply to This ]
      You're right Amy, this is very well done. It's packed and serves up an olympic twist.
    It packs a graphic that's a sad story I didn't expect. It's very powerful and realistic. I think that's the total surprise here. While my mind is contemplating her universe, where there are no goals, just life experience, I am rejoicing her living in the moment. But the needle appears and i know life has only one answer, I am waiting.....I am waiting for the next oblivion. and the whole thing turns on me just as life turned on her, but she let it happen too.

    I think I would drop "If" on the first line and "And" on the second one. I don't think they are needed. Also
    this challenges the reader to think on these types of lives. Great job,
    peace and love,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    56779

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Carry written by saartha
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    You read free written by poetotoe
    Love written by saartha
    Fasade written by jackz
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Yes written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Records I written by Raphael
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Shi written by ShyOne
    untitled written by ShyOne
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Formal Jen written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Silent Screams In Silent Dreams written by poetotoe
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry