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    dots Submission Name: Snatch Joydots

    Author: Rokhal
    ASL Info:    21, f, USA NW
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 85/71/18
    Words: 47
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 1316
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 353

       I did this a while ago when I lived in a gloomy rental house in the town's less favored area. I did it for a class, though, so it might not count...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSnatch Joydots

    Ugly gray coats
    for thirty-five dollars,
    cut from wool,
    and aggressively sturdy and plain,

    Broken bulbs
    sing quiver-carol strains
    when I shake them
    over the trash can,

    Gray feathers
    tense and cinder-light
    pausing on cold concrete
    and the time to catch them.

    Submitted on 2005-04-30 01:49:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's good form imgagery, and the subject matter is unique, but it loses the feeling in the last stanza, which seems to completely change form, drawing attention and confusing the reader, who's mind is set on follow the sort of semi-poetic rythym of the first two stanzas, and is then interrupted by... whatever the third stanza was trying to get across.

    The word "broken" comes to mind, because it seems broken up, so that third stanza just seems like fragmented thoughts, and I can't really figure out quite what it's trying to say.

    The rest of the poem is good.

    Other than that, I saw nothing, you have an interesting style, and topic choice, and you seem to have all the mechanics down nicely.

    Keep improving, and keep writing.

    Thanks for the read.

    | Posted on 2006-02-25 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall it was excellent but it didn't flow overall.
    IE: Ugly gray coats
    for thirty-five dollars,
    cut from wool,
    and aggressively sturdy and plain
    Wonderful imagery, it just lacks poetic flow.
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by Tekin_Kashami | [ Reply to This ]

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