Description: Love as transition - being born into something new means death to something old.
This was the least liked piece of all the ones I have posted. My first impression was to dismiss the comments as folks that lacked sufficient insight to "get it". Denial can be such a dark place. I got over it and looked at it again. I do love the word flow and images here. I love the meaning. What seems like death in our lives may actually be a birth into something new. Thanks for the honest comments on the first version. Please let me know if this works any better.
Love Left (rewrite) -------------------------------------------
Hey there. I like the message that you are trying to get across in this piece. However, it seems as though this piece is lacking fullness.
I like the idea of using internal rhyme. But internal rhyme works better when you have more body to a piece. There was no rhyme in the first or third stanzas. But there was what my english teacher used to call "pseudo-rhyme" in the second stanza with the use of "survives", "dies" and "demise".
I do agree with storm of bliss on some key points such as vocabulary as well as drifting of the us of assoncance and consonance in the second stanza.
I think you've got something great to start with here. I think that with a little more detail and precise use of vocabulary and poetic elements that this piece could be quite outstanding.
Anyhoo...hope that helped. Much love to ya. I do hope to read more of your work. :-)
I appreciate what you are trying to do with your alliteration and assonance, but your poem lacks body. It is as if you are practising scales on the piano and we are expecting to hear a tune from you. The techniques you are using so well, need to illustrate a more clearly stated theme. The recapitulation and reincarnation does come across, but only faintly. Alliteration is like sugar - a little improves the taste, a lot cloys it.
I'd have to agree with SOB on this one. The first two stanzas are excellent, the 3rd is a bit out of harmony with the rest, so if this were mine I'd probably edit it out, as it doesn't really add much to the overall theme. The last stanza is also very good.
I don't remember the original exactly, but I know it didn't work as well as this does. One thought, would you consider wholly in place of holy? Maybe a wholly demise instead of in holy demise? I guess it's a small difference, but it struck me, thought I'd share. Take care, D.