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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Almost loveddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Akili
    Elite Ratio:    2.36 - 915/400/60
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 1100
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 965



    Description:
       This is my first try at wrting lyrics, it really sucks but I'm still posting it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAlmost loveddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I fell so deep into a sleep
    never really waking up.
    Blood flows
    and bitter tears cry out
    as we smile.

    I remember
    almost nothing.
    Memory fading
    why did I almost love you?

    We walk among the beaches
    star fish being crushed underfoot.
    But we don’t see them in our fear of ourselves
    And the stars
    they wink at us
    I wish I could go to sleep.

    I remamber
    almost nothing.
    Memory fading
    why did I almost love you?

    Pretend that we’re fine
    holding hands.
    Not out of love but to guard the other.

    So deep
    went the cuts into skin
    veins splatter the wall.


    I remamber
    almost nothing.
    Memory now fading
    Why did I almost love you?

    Why....

    Why?

    I loved you

    I remamber.....




    Submitted on 2005-05-01 20:44:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It does need the traditional labels 'bridge' 'chorus' whatever to be clear, but just as a poem I like it a lot. I like the content. And I will read more of your stuff. As for spelling, that's why God spent the eighth day inventing the spell check.
    | Posted on 2005-10-25 00:00:00 | by scienceyear | [ Reply to This ]
      *Rolls eyes* You people and the "L" word. *Laughs*

    This was good Aki, I read t more like a poem then lyrics, because thats what I do. There are a few spelling errors, but nothing to bad.

    You see people staying in a relationship that wasn't meant to be, so why are they still together? Afraid of being alone? Who knows, its like why would a woman (or man for that matter) stay with someone who was abusing them, keep telling themselves that they don't mean it, they really do love them. And convincing themselves that they love them...love them enough to stay...

    Oops, side tracked, sorry. Good job Aki, well written, fix the spelling, and all that jazz.
    <3 Krazy
    | Posted on 2005-05-08 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      Usually when I read lyrics I try to find the beat of the peice, but in this one I really couldn't find it. This would surely have to be a very slow song for these lyrics to actually work.
    I do like how you make love seem like almost pain. The third stanza holds onto such vivid imagery but the rest of the peice does not. Maybe if you added in intervals, imagery across your peice then this work will be better in keeping a central theme and flow. I'm sorry to say that I think you were right when you said its sucks. I don't think I liked these lyrics at all and as words to a song they fail. I'm sorry, but you should take a better look at what you have done with this peice. I must say though I like your chorus and the sixth stanza was definitely my favorite. I like to be honest with my critiques so I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh. PEACE.
    | Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
      Aki... *huggles attack* great song here, I'd love to here some more of you... but I think just like Jess, it's a bit like a copntradiction with you to say almost falling in love. ^_^
    -Gothik-
    Francis
    | Posted on 2005-05-03 00:00:00 | by Gothik | [ Reply to This ]
      Man, I think you kind of missed it. If you don't mind you saying so. I just want to be perfect honest in my comments - don't take them in the wrong way.
    Here we go -

    The the 'hook' or in my time the Chorus
    I remamber...
    Almost nothing...
    ...
    'why did I almost love you'
    In the structure of music that last line needs to be like Pow, like pow! Pow! in & out you know.

    Now after the first lyric you go right into the chorus
    Which in some songs work - But if your telling a story in which you are, more of the plot needs to be open - - then hit into the chorus.
    Let the listener and want the listener to want to hear the chorus.

    One great tip is to storke with an unexpected
    re-entry, which is what you did in the Why...Why? line.
    But being that it is fading out on the master volume knobs toward the end, it's a little too late.

    I realy like your work so don't bash me too badly.
    Take Care - -Childs
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by childs | [ Reply to This ]
      awww. aki. i love this. my favorite line is when you talk about almost falling in love. it sounded like denial to me, like how i refuse to say the 'L-Word' no matter how much i'm smitten.
    yes! connected with aki! anyways, this is a seriously good piece but i would appreciate it even more if i could hear the music it goes with.
    lotsa luv
    -the wildchild
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this piece I loved the way you worded everything 'we walk among the beaches/star fish being crushed underfoot/but we don't see them in fear of ourselves/' it's a great line cause you describe a vivid scene but also descibing the emotion your feeling its cool I like it seriously and then the chorus it good with just the basic line why did I love you..its good okay im rambling so..yeah but once again good hope to read more from you
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by Hugh Jass | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this. you write about something that almost everyone writes about including myself and make it real.you make the reader see that love is not just romance and kisses but also questions too... atleast thats what i get i could be completely wrong here but it was a great read. good job
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      Love is a topic it's not easy to write about without getting too standard. But you actually manage to captivate love as pain, and make it beautifull...
    | Posted on 2005-05-01 00:00:00 | by Abnormalty | [ Reply to This ]
      I think its uncomplete and you misspelled remember. You kept it short, lyrics can be long. YOu don't explain it and you don't anything. I thought it wasn't very good but I suppose I could listen to it. In music you have many verses so you can explain things such as why you felt that way and how you feel once you remember. I think it could use some work, sorry.
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Restless_Heart | [ Reply to This ]
      i really enjoyed these lyrics i fount them on one of my friends favs list but it would seem he didnt comment on it but oh well any ways im going to look further into your work and hopefully find something else i like keep up the good work and dont change a thing on it
    kristen
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by darkonesgirl | [ Reply to This ]


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