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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "What A Pen In The Neck"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 300
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1101
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1897



    Description:
       I would like to dedicate this to all our heroes that are behind bars for speaking their mind. You too have a choice. Make the write one.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"What A Pen In The Neck"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I hate this place.
    Everyone's a strange face.
    As I look around
    a very strange crowd.
    With blackened guilt I am ridden.
    Justice was served cold.
    I got a lifetime in prison.
    All from that one night.
    That cold drunken Friday
    Me and my friend had a fight.
    Fists flew away
    With his life.
    It wasn’t mine.
    It was his own knife.
    I’m still in a state of shock.
    Like that guy who got raped;
    My new roomate in C-block.

    The first night I was attacked.
    I mean what can you take from a man who has nothing left.
    I yelled when they were walking away;
    You stupid fucks I would have been a great lay .

    They’d kick me in the face.
    Over and over, yelling how could you kill your friend?
    You’re a fuckin disgrace.
    I just took it.
    I was good at it.
    It simply couldn’t be avoided anyway.

    Then one day they said #872641 you should write;
    About not having remorse for taking a life,
    The life of your best friend.
    Then they threw me a pen.
    As that pen flew through the air,
    Something came over me.
    Like someone just handed me the key out of there.
    Not literally but indefinately.

    So that night,
    I was supposed to write.
    So I wrote Thank You for giving
    me back control of my life,
    on a piece of paper.
    And then I layed there.
    Thinking thoughts I never thought before.
    Like how much mightier the pen is than the sword.
    Without hesitation without anything left;
    I took that pen and I stabbed myself in the neck.
    Again and again
    Till I died there in a bloody mess.
    What a way to go,
    I hope they like what I wrote.

    ~LamemansTerms~




    Submitted on 2005-05-02 06:40:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      Damn !
    I liked this...very intense...right till the end,.

    i especially like the last half of it.
    i couldn't see it coming, ya know...the suicide by pen.
    i just happen to read the last part of purple sun's comment here.
    ya the idea is pretty harsh,but people in prison, f*ck, people anywhere do some pretty harsh stuff.
    life is f*cking harsh.
    and sometimes when you try to sugarcoat the harshness of life/death, it becomes cheesy, especially in poetry.
    so...mike...darling...it's perfect the way it is.
    maybe a few lines could be fine tuned but thats up to you and when your feelin' it.

    CC
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      This has to be quick, I'm on some kind of rampage...

    The story itself became rather unrealistic when it got to the jail part... if you're getting kicked in the face it's probably not because you killed your friend... and then being told to write, that made me giggle.

    All in the spirit of poetry... yes the ending was 'gross' but I still loved it to death.

    this i like
    'And then I layed there.
    Thinking thoughts I never thought before.'

    this i love
    'I hope they like what I wrote.'

    your ending is banging.

    Is it realistic? No, not really... but who writes for realism anyways... you'd have to assume that love, hate, God, fairies, and all manner of other subjects are real-and still couldn't condemn this for being possible SOMEWHERE at SOME TIME.
    And your ending is that twisted romanticism that I love.

    ~Akhi~
    | Posted on 2005-05-29 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
      Another very well told story. IT seems alot of your newer stuff has a short story inside of it waiting to be born. I can't see a bucnh of hardened prisoners encouraging a fellow cellmate to be a poet. But the inner conflict of the narrorator is totally beliveable. The pen being a key out of there was fairly well thought out symbolism. LIke it could have been a way out for his mind had he truley began to use is imagination to create stories. But it was a way out for him physically in that he killed himself with it. I like the letter he left behind also. it's almost like your poems are getting smarter and more clever. Less shock factor and simple juvinale humor and more well thought out and meaningful experession.

    Damn you LamensTerms. Your moving to fast for me. THen again i never knew you to say you've changed at all.

    Spoken
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
      powerful and very creative piece! this was just marvelous. you leave your reader sitting at the edge of their chair, wanting to know what's coming next. i love the suspense you created and the empathy you formed throughout the entire poem. way to reach out and touch somebody! the twists and turns that you took with this, and the ending was just crazy! no one likes suicide, but how you formed the story and took us through it not knowing the outcome, was just beautiful, pure genius!
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Tinasha | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this, it was twisted at the end but that made the piece. The storyline of the friend could use more detail to build more emotion into the prison sequence. Wow this dumb old lady janitor comes into my calss everyday and starts talking about absolutely nothing, and her voice os one of those voices that just makes you want scream... so I can barely think to comment on this well I apologize for that. I liked the poem a lot, it was a fun read much different than most on this site that I have come across, I look forward to reading more from you. Take care.
    -Tom
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      Psycho!j/k. I liked the poem a lot. You build up to an ending and then dish the reader someth totally unforseen. Nice. The flow is quick paced with your short lines, but long enough that they aren't choppy. And the occasional rhyme adds to that although i know some here aren't into the rhyming schemes. You toy with the reader, and it's fun cause we start to identify with the protagonist, who then bloodily murders himself with this pen, which is supposed to be his instrument of delivery. I guess it was. Makes you think of the meaning or lesson to be gotten out of this here poem, but thinking is good; at least so they say. Nice work. :) Peace
    Raz
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
      well...um...errr...not what i was expecting...but still interesting...though i think it work better as either prose or a short story...and the ending doesn't seem as well written as the rest...well lets say the last two parts could of been detailed better then the last part i think seemed rushed through...but what do i know...i havent written in almost two months now...but i like the ending only because i didn't expect it...even though the idea of someone killing themselves with a pen repeatidily to the throat is gross...i just think it be better if you would of described it as more than a bloody mess...i think some metaphors would do this write well...purps
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice. The twist ending is implied in the title, but I was thinking the narrator would seek revenge through writing, rather than with the proverbial sword of justice. The way it turns into something so much bigger than vengeance is a bit of an unexpected shock, but it really gets the reader thinking about the rest of the poem, and what led up to this. You did a great job.
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by LonelyorLost | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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