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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lossdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rhaine
    ASL Info:    25/Yes/An Alley
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 660/744/196
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Vampire
    Total Views: 542
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 520



    Description:
       despite all your rage are you still just a rat in the cage?


    need help...my other vampire ones are better


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLossdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Electric battery shock
    Acid in your mouth
    The stench of a decaying body
    Mingling with the scent of fear
    The rain begins to fall
    As she walks carelessly
    Back home
    Eyes staring at the back of her head
    Unknowingly leading
    The monster along
    Gazing dreamily
    At the oil rainbow puddles
    Seeing the reflection and then falling down
    A scream was lost
    In a sea of wind
    And now the tragedy
    Will start over again




    Submitted on 2005-05-02 15:00:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Alright, time for me to make up for all those comments you gave me.. God I don't have time for this but I hate that negative sign. Alright, so I'm really not sure of the image of this poem. To me it's just about a boy and a girl, because I'm not too familiar with vampiric poetry like this. I do see vampiric imagery, but I think it could be something much greater than just a poem about a vampire stalking its victim to even more prey.. like family..

    I see this as perhaps a -real- stalker, a guy madly in love with a girl to the point of stalking her, to the point that she became objectified and deified, but carrion in nature. She's practically dying under this leeching stalker's gaze and approach, it's so cosntant she's just feeling drained from it. I doubt that's the desired effect you were going for, but that's another thing I pull from the poem.

    I enjoy your use of images such as "oil rainbow", that really sticks out to me. I think punctuation could have made this poem even more enjoyable.
    | Posted on 2005-05-03 00:00:00 | by Jakle1111 | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem left you guessing that is good in some instances but if you leave your reader at a clifhanger you should at least give them a clue as to her fate or idk but it seemed pretty brief, the rhyming seems a little forced but alrighty-martinimadelvr
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by MartiniMadeLvr | [ Reply to This ]
      i've defintately read better vampire poems and such...i will admit that some of the ways you described thigns left a mysterious edge to it and made it kind of interesting, but all in all, for a vampire poem, i captured little of such a sensation as vampyricness.
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
      I am not sure but are you talking about a vampire attcking somneone...? I liked the description and the rhyme at the end...But that is if i got it correctly. I too love vampires and i might be rambling on about nothing if i am wrong but if i am right then i could be on to something...It also made me feel as if life sends stuff at you over and over agian...the thing you escaped once hits you again when you least expect it...its the vicious cycle of life but again I can be wrong again so IM me and let me know...but other than that it was good even if I didn't get it.
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by Xantin | [ Reply to This ]


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