Description: Just feeling a huge depression wave coming on. I know this sucks, but I was compelled to post it. Please, be honest. I didn't write this for grammatical or lovely wordings. Just raw emotion. Hell, I don't even know if this could be thought of as poetry, but that's what I'm posting it as. However, if you feel the need to bash it, be my guest. You all have that right to. I probably know what you'll point out anyway. I don't think many people would be able to interpret to whom this is about. God, I'm rambling. Enjoy. Like I said, feel free to leave a nasty message if you so wish. ~SirensSong~
Why must you leave me so dead and cold?
Why must you lead me on so?
I have forgiven, but you have forgotten.
And now you abandon me.
I am sorry if I have done you wrong.
I tried to help you, like I do for you all;
All of you, my darlings.
To lead you away from it.
If only I were to be
The numb I pretend to be.
The numb like so many of my darlings.
I do my best, but please,
Do not toy with my emotions.
I did, and will not love,
And I am sorry.
This is really good. A well though piece of writing. Although I do think that what Thirst4Serenity said below is true. A few things towards the end should be tweaked and it would make this piece even better.
The begining is very good as it is. I wouldn't change the begining of this it all. Yea..
I really like the begining of this when your going off in questioning i thought it was a really great begining but i would consider tweeking a few things nere the end of the poem - it seemed to almost throw it off rythmicly (wow i can not spell sorry) but i think over all you writting are really good!
Raw emotion it is. You talk lyke thatís not worth anything. Itís worth the [censored] world! Emotion is the core of everything. You usually put layers over the core- but not thys- you just showed the core- pure melted iron spinning and trashing about. Itís really quite beautiful to stand back and look at. Self destruction of imploding depression... Well, I lyke it anyway. Itís what we are... Peace, love and crappy movie sequels- The Madd One~
The sentiment of this piece is clear, and as a poem, it's well executed . . . somehow it transcends the typical "woe is me" of a lot of these kinds of poems. And just how or why is difficult to explain. Maybe it's just you or your personality shining through that I'm seeing. There are layers . . . and that comes through too.
You could have written this in a shallow, crybaby sort of way, but you didn't.
Wow! I can completely relate to it! Wonder why? *thinks* Oh, well. Anyway, I loved how you ryhmed everything together. Your words were also quite well put together. I also agree with razmohin2 about your reader telling of your pain. As a result of that, I can feel the emotion of annoyance of trying to forgive the the other just keeps on going on with their evilness, that's what I felt. Don't worry, we both have gone through the same thing. ^_^
wow, that sounds like how i am now...im not a poet, nor understand how to write poems; im just a story writer. but, this brought forth my own pain, and all i have to say is just hang on, like razmohin2 said. your only 14, and life gets a lot better after a while. this poem get's me thinking about something...but that's for myself to ponder about. good write. Mark
Hey, go easy on yourself. I hope you're ok. As to the poem, I liked reading it. Since i'm here to critique let's see what i can come up with. 1-2 Are great. I like the anaphora (repetition of the first words). You're telling the reader that you are in terrible pain, and it's a sortof lamentation. Only change i'd propose would be "Why have you lead me on so? just because it's in the past as far as i can tell; he's abandoned the narrator. 3 Has a beautiful alliteration in "forgiven" and "forgotten" by which you emphasis the trauma of the contrary emotions the two of you feel. 4 Again you might prefer the past tense. 5 The "Why" is fine. You're putting emphasis on it with the exclamatio, which at the same time literally pounds your grief, repeating as you do lines 1-2. Nicely done! 7 I must say you confused me with the "like i do for you all/All of you my darlings." Are you saying that this is a repeated occurence. I think mb focussing on this one relationship may be more powerful, rather than spreading out the pathos you got going here. 7,9 should you explain how you're helping the person? 11-12 you can use "numbness" instead of "numb" as it is a noun, or reformulate the phrases if you feel that numbness is a little awkward. Up to you. 15 What's the "i did": do you mean to say that you toyed with your own emotions? Mb "I did myself" gives more hints to that effect. If not then mb "I did with yours" just to make sure the reader knows what you're saying. 16 You could eliminate the "And". I think that would make it more dramatic. All in all a good write, poetry it is IMHO. Will have to read more of what you write. Hang in there. :) Peace Raz