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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Weightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tekin_Kashami
    ASL Info:    18/male/Houston, Texas
    Elite Ratio:    4.39 - 131/77/23
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/Religious
    Total Views: 1103
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 580



    Description:
       Feedback however.


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    dotsWeightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A little white lie
    Here and there
    Cannot do much at all
    It will happen no matter what we do
    But it is so small it does not matter
    Cannot possibly make anyone cry

    Tell that to the one who caries this burden
    Ask him the difference of a piece of straw
    When your body dangles from a cross
    holding the straw of all

    But he will not all
    to leave the Earth
    And bury us in our sin
    Now imagine your lie
    Yet another straw
    Pushing down on <b>HIM</b>




    Submitted on 2005-05-02 20:26:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This one I really liked Justin
    This write carries a very powerful message
    Is it really so hard for one to try and live his earth laden life with love
    There is so much love and hope on this earth we really just have to open our eyes to see it
    And yes I agree with you we are bringing tears to the Lords eyes evreytime we hurt others or ourselves
    Thank You for sharing this caring and beautiful piece
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I've never seen this theme in religious poetry before. Maybe it was more common from Calvinists. Try to cut as many syllables out as possible. Instead of boldface, if you want to emphasize the last line more, try using a more specific verb, something that conveys injustice.
    Line three of verse two, I think "your" is also probably a mistake.
    Generally to improve it, make every reference or description, the analogies, as specific and concrete as possible.
    | Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by Rokhal | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the sentiment you write into this, even though I don't care much for the Jesus story, I can appreciate people who do believe it.
    The straw analogy is excellent, the only thing I didn't get was
    "But he will not all
    to leave the Earth" is there a typo in there?
    Nice poem, needs a couple of tweaks to make it REAL good.
    Be Happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


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