A little white lie
Here and there
Cannot do much at all
It will happen no matter what we do
But it is so small it does not matter
Cannot possibly make anyone cry
Tell that to the one who caries this burden
Ask him the difference of a piece of straw
When your body dangles from a cross
holding the straw of all
But he will not all
to leave the Earth
And bury us in our sin
Now imagine your lie
Yet another straw
Pushing down on <b>HIM</b>
This one I really liked Justin This write carries a very powerful message Is it really so hard for one to try and live his earth laden life with love There is so much love and hope on this earth we really just have to open our eyes to see it And yes I agree with you we are bringing tears to the Lords eyes evreytime we hurt others or ourselves Thank You for sharing this caring and beautiful piece God Bless Your Friend Ron
I've never seen this theme in religious poetry before. Maybe it was more common from Calvinists. Try to cut as many syllables out as possible. Instead of boldface, if you want to emphasize the last line more, try using a more specific verb, something that conveys injustice. Line three of verse two, I think "your" is also probably a mistake. Generally to improve it, make every reference or description, the analogies, as specific and concrete as possible.
I like the sentiment you write into this, even though I don't care much for the Jesus story, I can appreciate people who do believe it. The straw analogy is excellent, the only thing I didn't get was "But he will not all to leave the Earth" is there a typo in there? Nice poem, needs a couple of tweaks to make it REAL good. Be Happy Graeme
Submission Name: Weight
