Description: I am not saying if I believe in God or not -Religion is a whole different thing for some-some take it very seriously. I don't and that's it
Big Dirt Nap -------------------------------------------
There's nothing more to say,
as I lay
here in this rectangle box.
Thinking how bad this trully sux.
My last resting place.
*News Flash*-there’s no Amazing Grace.
There's no Angels singing.
Or the baby Jesus or anything.
And nothing is all the eye can see.
From here, this is my eternity.
They were all myths, fables, fiction, bullshit stories.
Made up for the weak to make their lives seem less boring.
There is no after…
within the fading laughter.....
It's an interesting thought to be sure, and I can't say that I disagree with you. But as for the poem, I have a few suggestions, so as always, take them with a grain of salt and no offense intended...
first off, I think rectangular would be a better word than rectangle for your usage here...
next, I think this line needs some consideration
"From here, this is your eternity." You start out talking about this death as being your death, so it seems to me the line should read "From here, this is my eternity." A minor nitpick, but the sudden change in perspective threw me...
and last, and this is completely subjective, the line "Made up for the weak to make their lives seem less boring"...this just seems too shallow, to think that people would dedicate their lives to a religion...a way of life...simply to avoid boredom. I mean, aren't drugs and casual sex far more exciting than religion? I can see the "weak" part and in a lot of ways agree with that...people use religion as a crutch, a way to escape blame or responsibility...a false hope (perhaps) because they are not doing enough with their lives to garner realistic hope...so I think you could find something a little deeper to go with the "weak" idea than simply to avoid boredom.
You often take simple ideas and give them to us in simple terms, and this leaves the work as simply being simple...but there is something brewing underneath and inside you and you need to dig a little deeper sometimes to make the work deeper...this is on the cusp of something thought-provoking and poignant...just dig a little deeper my friend...sometimes you take...eh, I don't want to say the easy way out, but at least the first way out...you are growing and it shows, so how bout taking it to the next level
Sorry I haven't been checking up on your stuff religiously...you see what I did with that? I took the word relig...oh never mind, you'll get it sooner or later. ^_^ LOL! Someone mentioned this poem in a comment I received and I just had to check it out...glad I did too.
Oh dear, now I can't get the image of this poor guy twiddling his thumbs in his coffin out of my head. Hahaha!
I really enjoyed the line, "Made up for the weak to make their lives seem less boring."
Now that's a nice sadistic statement isn't it? You take on a very "[censored] Religion" attitude in this poem which only adds to the character spending eternity ranting to the worms about how he wasted life following an imagined path to eternity. Hehehe, very funny...what can I say? I enjoy a good "Hey God, can you hear this? Let me turn it up for you!" Thanks LT.
Why are your works getting shorter? I ask only out of curiousity not becuase i think they suck. This one doesn't seem to be about anything as far as i can see. I don't get unspoken dreamers little rant their, perhaps your discription came after he made his comment.
They were all myths, fables, fiction, bull[censored] stories.
I agree with this line to a degree. People trying to find comfort in the ideaa that a dead loved on is in a "better place" or was "called home to the Creator". My only thing is that i've never heard anyone say that their dead love one was currently rotting in hell. It's like the only kinda people that go to hell are the Jeffery Domers or the Hitlers of the world. But again i doubt this piece was meant to stir up some religious debate.
I don't understand, you said you grew up in the church, but you don't believe in the baby Jesus? That's the biggest part I can't get... One question to start; Do you belive that George Washington ever lived? You've never seen him either, but did you know that there is more scientific evidence to back up the fact that Jesus did all that he said than there is to back up the fact that George Washington ever walked this earth? Crazy isn't it, in an obscure village of Palestine almost 2,000 years ago, a child was born in a stable. Today the entire world still celebrates his birth, the birth of Jesus Christ. That's saying something. Fire some back at me, I would like to kinda go back and forth and compare points of view, I enjoy this and I know you said your opinion is to not have one, but thats no way to live, grow a pair of balls and believe in something. Whatever it is... Take Care, -Tom
You seem like the kind of guy that enjoys a good discussion, if so let me know I would like to respond to this with some contradiction. As a poem I like it, it's a good flow for the reader and great spoken, something you might here on the show 'Def jam Poetry' on HBO. Good write, let me know though, I want to fire a few back at ya. Take Care, -Tom
Well, there is definately one way to find out what really happens. but the funny thing is is that we can't go and try it to see if we like it. It's one of those commitment things. Sucks though if you're one of those people that has a problem with commitment. I can't tell you either way on this thing. I, for one, don't believe in God or predestination or anything, but I do believe that there is something out there that causes us to do the things that we do. It could just simply be the things that are around us on this planet. But I don't know. Eventually someone will find out their meaning of life (which everyone will claim as their own, making it a universal [and relative] term). It was very different piece for you. I think we're trading off here. You're getting me to branch out a bit, and you're kind of writing a bit like me. Maybe it's time for everyone to change. ~Jess
Truth be told… it is an unhinging notion. It basically drives the concept of philanthropy to a futile state but ironically, this theory, although not a good “moral cheerleader,” advocates life more than the concepts of Heaven or resurrection can. To know that there is only darkness after life only makes Death a greater mother of beauty than she already is. The perception of people regarding their existence will change. Had this been the “afterlife” theory that everyone believed in… there would be more conflicts and parties. Contrasts will most likely collide and feel indifferent… but that’s just a theory.
This paints a really bleak view of the future, but I like the poem. My beliefs of the afterlife aren't very concrete and their certainly not made of traditional Christianity. Still, I never contemplated the thought of being awake in the box.
"*News Flash*-there’s no Amazing Grace. There's no Angels singing. Or the baby Jesus or anything. Just nothing. And nothing is all the eye can see. From here, this is your eternity. They were all myths, fables, fiction, bull[censored] stories. Made up for the weak to make their lives seem less boring."
Or made up for the weak, to give the powerful more power.
I like the name, as well. Makes a solid summary after you've read the entire poem, but it's obscure coming in. I like that.
The title drew me in too. Its probably the egyptians you can hear in the last line :), laughing at you. Maybe in olden times they were more clever at jumping over their knees but we can raise more dust and sleep better in the blindness I guess. :)
he he...this is clever. I have entirely different ideas altogether about what happens after we die, but that is beside the point. The title caught my eye- I have always loved that expression- a dirt nap, it is just funny. I am exhausted and I don't really have any critique for you. Just thought it was funny, it gave me a chuckle and you owe me a PM. You never filled me in on what you started saying. You are definitely an original. xo Mags