Description: Now the third draft of this pocket poem. I tend to write things at nine in the morning, and for lack of strength or perhaps conviction in it's words, I put it in the back left pocket of my pants so that I may later better the poem.
This is about 6 months I spent somewhere four years ago, and a person I know now that I knew then, who often persuades me to think of it.
Carpet walled hallways,
none window lined but the outside,
all bare of natural memorials.
Dim, impersonal locker room:
dampened by a thousand
Bitter strangers in sweat slick skin,
dripping with mascara and sarcasm.
Making stench for
classrooms foiled with
brown butcher paper.
Caves for heart breakers
and captors of our
easily influences innocence.
Sewed into soul,
Crossed arms and
dull eyes that say
there is nothing else.
"Caves for heart breakers" is a wonderful line and your last stanza, as pointed out by Vedanta19, is a great finish. This poem moved into a sad depression of isolation. Great use of words to depict the scene. I could almost smell the dingy locker room.
"Caves for heart breakers and captors of our easily influences innocence. Sewed into soul, yet unfamiliar. Crossed arms and dull eyes that say there is nothing else."..this is nice and leaves a impact on the reader.The poem feels like it's being written from a train..everything moving and then merging into a vaccum..i got this feeling when i was reading it.You have potrayed a good imagery. :)
Your descriptions of objects and places, feelings and perhaps an over-all numbness to it all is captivating to me. I like how you describe people...not as people, but as a flashing blur of something. There's a cold resentment laying beneath your words, but it's like an angry cat; very reserved and weary. Well done, Jester. I truly enjoyed it.
I really thought you did a great descriptive piece that seemed like you were in a place you didn't particularly want to be. My favorite line, "Bitter strangers in sweat slick skin, dripping with mascara and sarcasm," reminded me of high school or an office I worked a temp job at once! Great job! Love,Peace,Joy!