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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: little glass globedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 174
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1065
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1103



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotslittle glass globedots
    -------------------------------------------



    Fish in that damn round bowl
    And bring out as many albums
    As you can in your career
    Opportunity comes to all at some
    Point of conversation about why scottish
    Ice-cream vans trundle the streets in
    October’s dead beat of dying leaves
    Spotting the wide roads with outlines
    Spotting the wide roads without lines
    We follow new tracks and plot our freedom
    Out on street-maps with a key
    One to show each forgotten dream
    And where we found ourselves
    An ‘X’ or an ‘ex’ marks the spot
    Marked and remembered
    So we don’t have to go back
    Fishing in our damn round bowl
    Of everything we ever shared
    I find a winter streetlight
    Hung over the guilt of the morning
    After waking up and knowing we
    meant what we said, that we’d been wrong
    to assume we were so solid,
    when we were like fish
    in that damn glass bowl
    of going away,
    only because you know
    You’re already coming back.








    Submitted on 2005-05-03 11:03:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the esoteric edge of this and see my own nose and eyes peering out of my fishbowl. It is so uncommonly hard to be human especially knowing all of our faults mixed with dreams.
    There are nights we've shared, jumped bowl just to have a chance at bliss. And your lines outline our stories to share, I like this, it moves like linear thought but is fat and round with possibilities. I think I'll take one last drink and then spill my fishbowl home. Have you ever wondered what a great time fish have watching this human show?
    Great job, peace and love too,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Some great moments in this poem, Elissa. I loved the leitmotif of tracking out your lives like following a road map with the delicious pun on X marks the spot. I feel your lack of punctuation is an affectation which doesn't help the reader understand your poem. This poem was pacey and gutsy. It pulled me along in an enjoyable read. I liked the irony of icrecream in winter. Wasn't quite sure what "spotting" was up to. It was obviously a very significant word for you.
    | Posted on 2005-05-03 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poetry has bounce to it. I admit i was put off by the style: a sortof poetic train of thought is how i see it. It is amusing the links you have between phrases, and how the same words are transformed in meaning from one sentence to the next. Still you may consider making it more accessible, and less abstract/modern art if you will. I love the lines 8-9: "spotting....lines with what i think some ppl refer to as a repotia in rhetoric. One place that demanded criticism for instance is 12 "One to show each forgotten dream". Where the second or third...? Anyways pretty cool. :) Peace
    Raz
    | Posted on 2005-05-03 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]


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