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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Not Untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Stwcjj
    ASL Info:    27/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 327/149/13
    Words: 45
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1337
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 282



    Description:
       Yep, this one's about ten years old :) I figured I'd post it just for Sh*tz ang G*ggl*z. The original title to this was "Alone", but since there are probably 1,247,820,047 poems already with that title I thought I'd better change it. If anyone has any other ideas on titles lemme know :P


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNot Untitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Alone at night I think of you,
    Your eyes, your smile, your laughter.
    Alone I think I hear your voice,
    A song but nothing after.

    And as the void of darkness
    Consumes me once again.
    I realize without your love
    Alone I truly am.




    Submitted on 2005-05-04 03:18:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. This is amazing.
    I think many people can totally relate to this which makes it awsome so it's not only you who understands it.
    Well, the thing I didn't like was that in the begingng it's very direct, but the last stanza is totally indirect. Either you make it both direct, or both indirect. Well, that's just me, but other than that, it's great. Easy to follow. Short and to the point. Very meaningful. And many people can relate. Great job.!
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by Spiderman | [ Reply to This ]
      Short yet sweet. Emotionally involved & although this is an older piece, I enjoyed it quite a bit. Unsure about the title... 'Not untilted' seems to fit it for now because there are too many 'alone' & yet you know that there is a fitting title for this piece.
    | Posted on 2005-11-05 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this...i can see your change..as far as style of writing...you seem to go where ever you want to now...back then maybe you felt a little restrained..... poetically i mean.
    anyway...i liked it... brief, yet meaningful...which is a requirment if it's brief..i feel.
    all the words fit and sound right.....
    as far as the title..
    i think you should leave as Alone.
    after all it fits....

    or maybe All Alone.
    that could even be added to the lines with alone and it probably wouldn't change the flow of it.

    i understand what your saying though about the title...if someone types in alone under submission search it would come up with a crap load. hey theres a lot of lonely poets out there...bunch of rejects....
    kidding..... :)

    CC
    | Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this piece and agree w/JimweiZero on the +/- in the stanzas and typically when you feel lonely it's a bit of good & bad.

    Maybe "Unaccompanied" or "Without"; Alone works & who cares how many people have that title - they don't have your words!
    Love,Peace,Joy and great weekend! What's up with chicken...awwwwwww??? tif ; > }
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      There's really not much to say here that hasnt already been said. I enjoyed the lilt this poem had, very nice flow. I like the fact that you did not carry on. The message was clearly stated.
    Sometimes less is more. And I think that's the case here.
    Carol
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      nice. the last verse...you really need to fix the punctuation...get rid of the comma and the second period, otherwise it's sentence fragments and unnecessary breaks. line 3 change "you" to "your". as far as a title, how about either "void" or "consume"? i was really impressed with the flow of this poem...it reads sooooooooo smoothly! good job, even if it was a long time ago :)
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      this was very well written. I liked the fact that it was short, but I could still feel a strong sence of despair and lonliness in this. I know all too well this feeling you are describing here. I liked the way you switched from the pleasant thoughts of her eyes, smile, and laughter to the thoughts of being alone...I really loved the line "A song but nothing after." awesome line. keep up the good work and thanks for the great read. I hope to hear more from you soon.

    cout<<"aLaN";
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by Gravitic | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the simplicity, .. and the feeling of aloneness without your love is deeply felt. Speaking of simple, perhaps just "YOU" as a title? .. or "Without You". ?
    At any rate...this was an enjoyable read.
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      defintely romantic and soul searching in a way. maybe for a title, realising aloneness or realising solitude. not sure what would be best that would fit and not sound trite. I have trouble with titles and endings much of the time. as your absence hits me. how about that?
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Alone suits the write but I agree that there are a lot of poems already with that title. With this, I really liked the contrast you used, postive thoughts followed by negative thoughts, in both stanzas. Nothing really special about the language, but I think that shouldn't be changed because the write is pretty simple, in its themes, length etc. which isn't really a minus because it was easy to take in and a nice read.
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is so sad it pores of loniness and I get this feeling of being hopelessly lost you are relaying total soliltude in this poetry. It is even sad when you are describing the beauitul memorys of this lover that appears to be gone forever...so sad. I was impressed with how brief you were able to tell this very detailed story of lost love. "Alone I truly am" should be this not untiltled poem's title...smile.... `always write poetry, Cheryl.
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ]


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