My Love , Good Night by ThatWasOnceMe

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Submission Name: My Love , Good Night dots

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Author:	ThatWasOnceMe
ASL Info:	30/F/NC
Elite Ratio:	3.71 - 197/194/53
Words:	235

Class/Type:	Poetry/Sorry
Total Views:	797
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1252

Description:
This was a poem that I wrote to my husband guess you got the rest then.

My Love , Good Night dots

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A epoch of such entangled love, friendship and memories too,
Awaiting to be savagely unchained by untamed words so few.
Why do these forbidding words openly drift in my head so free?
Not a person knows the agony they will forever generate in me?

My mind isn't entranced at all to blacken your pure cloudless heart.
Or wound the young hearts of those who have pray for us not to part.
This is a painstaking battle my heart can not no longer hesitate to do.
My hesitations would only in the end be a lot more painful ,for you.

There are many years that have been carelessly squandered away ,
Your docile words can no longer compel me to carry on and stay.
Our somber epoch we have made will fade, but the past will never die
But this epoch day that is to come will remain hellish and as a day to cry.

Time is drawing ever so near to settle down your unstable weary head.
So you must prepare yourself for tomorrow and all that is to be said.
And as for me, its time for me say, Goodnight my love, may you sleep well
For tomorrow my final parting words will unveil to you a living hell.

Submitted on 2005-05-04 13:24:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  ok girly, here are the housekeeping-corrections you asked for :) i'll just type the line number then the corrections, otay? otay...
1 - An epoch...memories, too,
5 - comma at the end instead of a period
8 - re-think the comma before "for you"
15 - put quotes around "Goodnight...well",
ok, that's the minor stuff...here's some suggestions...hm, maybe i changed my mind about the suggestions...i was thinking about Tay's comment about you using "epoch" too much, but i went back thru and you actually have a pattern of using a certain word or idea repetatively in the last 2 lines of each verse, and i'm sure that's intentional, so i won't suggest that you correct it. however, i do think it's more effective when you are using the idea rather than the word (as you do in the last verse and not the others). so, instead of using "hesitate" and "epoch" and "heart" so frequently, maybe use different words to say the same thing. and as forrest gump says, "that's all i have to say about that".
| Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
  wow. ok, yeah, i agree, you made this sound so pretty, but there was so much loathing lurking underneath the surface. i think though, and this is my only suggestion, that you overused "epoch"... other than that, this was very well written. ...bb...

XoXo
~Tay~
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm amazed that you can hide such hate and loathing in a nicely worded poetic skin.
As this is too personal to comment on the subject matter, all I can say is very well written, very good indeed!
Be Happy
Graeme
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Love the way you just walked me through this unawares of where I was going...very descriptive and creative imagery that held my attention the entire poem...at thought at first it was going to be an over-kill because of length but ever word was necessary for you to express in such an exacting execution. This " This is a painstaking battle my heart can not no longer hesitate to do.
My hesitations would only in the end be a lot more painful ,for you." was almost chilling ...extremely well writien poetry, always write poetry, Cheryl.
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, um, thanks for sharing, that's very open of you. what can i say? i wouldn't have you change a thing really since this was written for a specific purpose and person. there are a couple of grammatical errors and if you want me to tell you where they are you know i will :) but it's, for lack of a better word, great. i almost feel guilty saying that about this piece, but it's the truth.
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]

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