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    dots Submission Name: Kickdots

    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 192
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 2021
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1301

       Just a little illustration of student life during exam time...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.



    Drink the mustard brown.
    The lock-down pile of books
    Leaning from my shelves.
    Their spines spell my sentence
    <dust fingered from the ones on top>
    Sixteen more days of dreaming you.

    I walk within your skin,
    My broad leaf hands spread
    Tailoring my memory
    Of what it feels like to be ‘the man’
    To dominate.
    Knowing now the benefits
    <Of having>
    Long fingers
    A boy’s height
    A girl’s lips
    Hair that gets in your face when we kiss
    - All this

    I’m just sorry that absence
    Makes things so much harder
    But drink, sip, suck
    Get a kick from it,
    Days pass quick
    When you’re drunk on caffeine
    And tasting the bottom of your stash
    Of patience-your clothes sit there
    Knotted in the mess of mine.
    You ripped your cords,
    And left them here for me to fix.
    I sew my absent minded stitches
    Your ‘little woman’ after all.

    I walk within your skin
    Tailoring my memory.
    And holding close
    to what you left behind,
    sew my absent minded stitches
    just to pass the time.

    Submitted on 2005-05-04 13:32:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Really nice poem. So rich in its imagry and metaphors. It's a very well educated and mature poem with a very unusual twist, and that's always refreshing to see.
    You missed the capitals of the start of the last two lines, I don't know if that was intentional or not, just thought I'd point it out.
    It's so nice to read something that's set out and punctuated properly, I'm a bit of a Nazi when it comes to punctuation in poems and I keep finding myself saying 'Listen, every full stop and comma is just as important as any word you have in a poem. Please please please punctuate!'
    This poem has a really ambivalant feel to it. It goes through an awful lot of emotions in an awfully short space of time. You have the long, drawn out feeling of being stuck in a room full of books, the longing of wanting something you can't have, something that's too far away, and the strange relationship of dominance and submission. It makes the poem very interesting to read. I'm not sure why you chose to title it 'Kick' . . . I'll think about that one some more and maybe work through a few more of the hidden depths this promises to have.
    I really love the entirety of the second stanza, it's so rich, and what it's saying, as well as the way it says it, makes it roll off the tongue.
    Like I say, there's a lot in this poem, it maybe feels a little swamped by it all, as if it's trying to go in too many directions all at once, but then, that may well be your point :)
    Nice writing.
    | Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ]
      This is too cool. I hope he appreciates it. The only thing I would suggest is that the title doesn't seem to tie in very strongly. I mean, this is a pretty intense piece, with only one reference to caffeine. Maybe I'm missing something that's hiding in plain sight.
    Now just to see if I am following, you are wearing the slacks he left to mend, right?
    That is the walking in his skin?
    Hope so, but wouldn't be the first time I really got one all wrong!
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      *APPLAUSE* wow. original as [censored]. i can hardly believe it. definitly a new favorite. lets see what i liked here...

    your clothes sit there
    Knotted in the mess of mine.
    You ripped your cords,
    And left them here for me to fix.
    I sew my absent minded stitches
    Your ‘little woman’ after all.

    i liked that part, i got really strong images from it. i would really like it if you were to kind of give me an expliation of it because it is so specific that i dont want to say what i think its about because i am probly wrong...

    great job

    *wendy lee
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by girlunderglass | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done ellisa. That is a strong last stanza. I just think there should be an "i" before "sew" to help it move along a little smoother. I was thinking that you could shorten this poem and make it more succinct. You might accomplish this by dropping the first stanza...all except the last line of course...that is pivotal to the poem. You just might insert it elsewhere.
    I hope i'm not offending you. Its seems strange giving such specific recommendations. I just think a little revision could make this good poem even better.
    see you later, kc
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]

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