Description: This is sort of a detour from my usual style, but I still see pieces of myself in it. I guess I just felt the need to try something new. It's short, but I think it gets my point across.
There's something oddly similar
between the ocean and the moon
they both are so imbued with light
that the hardly can stop shining
reflecting diamonds off the page
and scattering them across the beach
and underneath the houses
they fall like raindrops to the floor
and bounce off of the ocean
to be reflected just once more.
"There's something oddly similar between the ocean and the moon" This is an awesome opener! Very captivating.
4th line: The needs to be turned into they.
After the third line it gets a little confusing, I think puncuation would help right here quite a bit. But I really do like the rest.. "reflecting diamonds off the page" really lost me, though.
I know you probably could care less what I think, but if this were my piece this would be how i would revise it;
There's something oddly familiar, between the ocean and the moon, they both are so imbued with light. They almost can't stop shining. (This line seems Unnesessary, to me at least..)
Reflecting like diamonds off a page, scattered across the beach and underneath the houses. Light falls like raindrops to the floor, and bounce off of the ocean to be reflected just once more.
Ahh.. But pay no attention to my neandering ideas.. I think this is a good piece with alot of potenial. I just think it needs a little revision. Ratio M. Ducet III
Submission Name: Semblance
