Love in the Garden by stefanie mae

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Submission Name: Love in the Garden dots

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Author:	stefanie mae
ASL Info:	18/F/MA
Elite Ratio:	4.59 - 37/50/20
Words:	115

Class/Type:	Prose/Nature
Total Views:	437
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	814

Description:
Photographs with Jilly in the school's attempt of a courtyard. <3

Love in the Garden dots

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And she let me strangle her
with pink petals and green vines,
wrapping curiously around her
perfectly tanned neck,
crossing every aspect of her
slow breath,
cascading in and out as
she inhaled and exhales.

The branches tangled in her hair
as the breeze put up it's fists,
threatening,
to blow her house down.

And I'm sure the pollen and leaves,
sweeping across her scalp like snow,
were no help in proving herself
a true lady.
They showed nothing but the childish nature
of the girl I've came to love.

So I'll pick her a flower
that she'll throw on the grass,
and I'll laugh-
because I'm so cliché.

Submitted on 2005-05-04 19:01:18 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like your poem. It reminds of Robert Herrick's "The Vine", although you take a totally different approach. He's talking about love, while you are decidedly talking about death. His poem is worth the read btw.
But back to this poem. I agree with most of the other comments already made. So i'll try not to repeat them. The only one with which i part ways is the "And" is fine IMHO just because it kindof introduces the reader to the events while stating that there's a lot that came before it. You call upon the reader to imagine what precedes, which is fine and kindof cool. I like that "Cascading in and out" breath cascading is an interesting image. I think it works though.
the "house" seems to come out of nowhere, taking away from the intimacy of this poor girl's death.
Such malign cruelty in that black humor of yours in the third stanza re: "a true lady". Nicely turned.
And then you shock the audience with your last line of the stanza (mb shock is a little too strong), so this is some cruel ambivalence going on here. I like psychology so it takes on added significance to me.
I like the last stanza, notwithstanding what amateur feels. It seems like you rewind to before all these evil events take place. when once again you are laughin and capering about with your friend leaving the reader to wonder whether you will let these events transpire. I really enjoyed your poem.:) Peace
Raz
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really nicely done. I love the garden imagery that you've given here. (By the way, I was experimenting around with the idea of writing a detailed description, and I wrote about a garden as well, which is why you're title caught my attention.)

I found that that the way you chose to start it by jumping in with a description about strangling "her" was really vivid and really caught my attention.

In your first verse, the use of "crossing" really doesn't seem to fit the flow of the beginning. I felt like some of the descriptions that you started using came across a lot like the beginning of a sexually charged poem, so I feel like the word isn't...sexy...enough to fit in with the previous lines. Perhaps something like "caressing" will fit slightly better. It just feels slightly more gentle, and yet more brutal at the same time, which completely fits the context of the rest of the piece, especially since you use "cascading" after that, which also gives a similar type of conotation as the "caressing."

In your second verse, second line, there's a little bit of a grammar issue.
"as the breeze put up it's fists,"
I think that it should be "puts" with the "S" on the end. The other thing is that "it's" as you spelled it means "it is." You wanted it to be "its" which would refer to the fists. Also in your second verse, the second line, though, I don't think you should have that comma at the end of the line. The pause is completely unnecessary, and almost causes you to forget that it's threatening to blow the house down, since the two lines are so disconnected just by that one comma.

Verse two also uses gorgeous imagery, though, when you go to visualize the idea of the wind putting up fists to blow the house down.

At the end of verse three, it should be "come to love" instead of "came to love."

Finally, your last verse doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the piece. The bit about seeming completely cliché really felt like it came out of the blue for me. I can't say that you should cut that verse out altogether, because you can't end the poem at the end of the third verse. It just doesn't feel right. But I feel like something ought to be done to make the flow seem more right.

You've created a gorgeous piece here with some amazing imagery. I truly enjoyed this. Thank you for sharing this.
~Zylle
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
  i thought this was really pretty but- and this might just be because of my own inexperience with interpreting poetry (metaphors and all)- i didn't really get the whole thing. but, if it is simply that you are being unclear, i'll let you know that everything seemed consistent up until the "she'll throw on the grass part". up until that point i pictured a dead girl slowly being swallowed by the earth under wild wind, but then it was kinna like how is she gonna throw somethin if she's dead and bein consumed by the earth. i was sure the poem, up to that point, had something to do with maybe watching someone get buried at a funeral on a cold day; or the end of a messy relationship. but then i reread and thought it was the beginning of a relationship and you were jus hookin the girl in (which would kinna make sense of the "she'll throw" part). ok, all in all it was kinna confusing to me although it was pretty and i overall enjoyed reading it. i would appreciate it if you PMed or "reply to this" with an explanation.
i especially loved the first stanza, except that i don't think it shouldve started with "and". umm im kinna big on grammar so "I've COME to love" would be the right way to put it.
otherwise i love the imagery and i enjoyed reading keep writing (etc)
hope i was in some way helpful

-~Mal
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by amateur | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh great, all that typing - and the damn thing just takes it all out. Grr. Good thing I copied it :) Here goes:

Ok, Im going to try and be nitpicky, as requested :)

"she inhaled and exhales." - wrong tense here, I think you meant for both to be in the present, like so:
"she inhales and exhales"

"the branches tangled in her hair" was also a little odd to me, because you start by painting quite a detailed 'zoom in' picture of petals and her neck and breathing, and to jump so suddenly to something so large was a bit ....odd :) Also, branches cant tangle in hair - due to size relations, its the hair that would tangle in the branches :)) Maybe twigs? Or something of the kind?

"as the breeze put up it's fists,
threatening,
to blow her house down." - really like this image, especially the breeze putting its fists up.

'sweeping across her scalp' - maybe purely a personal reaction, but not a pleasant association here...something along the lines of dandruff...I think its mostly the combination of 'pollen' and 'scalp'...

"of the girl I've came to love." - should be come to love

I think your ending works well, pulling the piece together - and Id be really interested to see how you edit it - should you decide to, of course :)

All the best,

Katia
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]

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