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Saving Her


Author: sunnyrain
ASL Info:    16.f.wa.
Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 21 /35 /6
Words: 123
Class/Type: Poetry /Friendship
Total Views: 772
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 841



Description:


Another one about a friend of mine who doesn't always quite know what's best for her.. but I don't mind. She'd do the same for me.


Saving Her



I'll take one for my friend
Protect her from the world
Can't let this be her end
Defy what we've been told

She gave up all her trust
I think she dreamt too much
She gave in to her lust
Did she ask for bad luck?

Look at all that she's done
Seems to be the only
battle she hasn't won.
Eternally lonely.

Preoccupied with this
Greater than everything
On the brink of abyss
It's swallowing her in.

Life was so much simpler
Before all this happened
Caught hook, line, and sinker
On me, can she depend?

Even through all this year
We've taken every hit
And though the end is near-
We know it's been worth it.




Submitted on 2005-05-04 19:51:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Hehe, Hayley I love it! I wonder why, though. It's your turn to write lolz! But I'm gonna blast this poem apart so you can get better at writing, 'cause this is the only one of yours that I haven't commented on yet. Could you do that to mine, too? I don't mind.
Well, here we go...

I'll take one for my friend
Protect her from the world
Can't let this be her end
Defy what we've been told

The rhyming is standard, but keep it that way.
However, the last line could be changed to,
"We'll defy what's been told". The "defy what we've been told" Seems incomplete, somehow.

She gave up all her trust
I think she dreamt too much
She gave in to her lust
Did she ask for her bad luck?

Starting at this stanza, the piece sounds robotic at times. Maybe it's the whole 6, 6, 6, 6 theme, but it's too... well... in place. And if you haven't noticed, I'm sort of rearranging all the technical stuff in your poem, since i think the actual meaning of the words are terrific [And we wonder why ^ ^].

Look at all that she's done
Seems to be the only
battle she hasn't won.
Even with me, she's lonely.

"Seems to be the only
battle she hasn't won"

Sort of cut off, dont you think? But the "even with me, she's lonely" is cool. Heh.

Preoccupied with this
Greater than everything
On the edge of the abyss
It's swallowing her in.

It's like a haiku with 4 lines. Lolz, then it wouldn't be a haiku anymore, but you get my drift. Everything's so mechanical, so matched, so put together. And that's not always a bad thing, but it's not exactly a good thing, either.

Life was so much simpler
Before all this happened
Got her hook, line, and sinker
On me, can she depend?

Heck yeah, I can depend on you, Heywiley. definetely. As for the hook, line, and sinker thing, me likes. Ooh, I just realized this- you're comparing me with a FISH! hehehe. Maybe if you added a 'caught in the net' kind of thing in there, it would add more to the whole metaphore craze.

Even through all this year
We've taken every hit
The end is coming near
But we know it's all been worth it.

Ehh, I bet you've noticed... The last line doesn't fit the 6/8 time thingy. Try this-

Through every day this year
We've taken every hit
And though the end is near
It's worth it, every bit.

That'll wrap up the poem nicely, while still keepin the thought.

I've gotta say, this is a REALLY RAD poem. HEhe. It's on my favorites. And don't take all the critiquing as a bad thing- they're just ways to improve your writes.

<3 YouR oNe aND oNLY.. JeLLY BeaN
| Posted on 2005-05-30 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
  It's always nice to have a good friend you can trust. I used to have a friend like that that I knew since I was born. But were not best friends now that I moved when I was ten. We still talk and are cool with each other but we dont hang out. There friend sof the family and i considered him as he brother I didn't have. I didn't have a close friend like you do when I was your age. I'm 19 now and I finally do. I love her mor ethan anything in the world and I'm finally happy. I really enjoyed reading this poem. keep it up. good luck in the contest.
| Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
  sunnyrain, this is such an awesome poem. it really describes the way best friends help stick with eac other. i know i'll be your friends no matter what.
| Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by Kat Feline | [ Reply to This ]
  i love this poem for so many reason's in a way it speaks of my best friend and i. she has made a vow to stay a virgin till she is married. and i had that choice taken from me and now i actually think of it as something normal. we have over come so many obsticals in our lives togather that it is hard not to look back at it and kinda smile.
i liked how you took everything i was feeling and put it in to words i could not. (and beleieve me i have tried) any how you so well in clearly stating the anzitys of haveing a best friend and of the things you go though togather knowing all the time some where deep in side of you that it is all worth it in the end. i am so glad that fate has brought you a good friend to help you through all that life throws at you and also to share those moments that so many often take for granted even if it is just a day for ice cream and a chick flick. i wish you luck and say i love your pice very much and i will be adding it to my favorets.
love and light.
Archer
| Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by Archer | [ Reply to This ]
  it's good to have a friend that you can trust and depend on through thick and thin...but she got herself into this and she'll have to be the one to get herself out...life is a hard road at times but worth it in the long run...
how can you protect her from the world?
| Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by pestiferous | [ Reply to This ]


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