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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Days Workdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 930
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1574



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDays Workdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Pr-
    A face <my face> reflected thin
    In the green tinted cheekbones
    Of a ‘high earner’ <wide parker> car
    That sits humming on the street
    Splitting fuel to lethal noises
    Tasty air, that’s called keeping warm
    Till some heavy-wallet wanderer
    <who couldn’t wait>
    returns.
    You’ll see, I cut
    That winter
    out of my hair.
    [space]
    Pa-
    Shorter, thinner, lighter
    Flying messy in that diesel air
    Cleaner but feeling naked now
    Looking paler, sicker,
    Trying to tie cloth round,
    Anything to look more like me
    Than I do right now.
    [space]
    <&>
    [space]
    less like the girl
    That lost out at the game
    And came home
    Empty pocketed and carrying
    Too much to hold up.
    <but caring too much to let go>
    [space]
    Fu-
    Living roundabout.
    Crossroad creases.
    The days work
    Under your fingernails
    The hard soap
    Dries white lines.
    That crease, one runs
    Straight across the palm.
    Your ‘life line’ a perfect <warning>
    sign of your conviction.
    I rest my fingers
    Across the softer skin
    That ridges at your knuckles.
    White pucker-
    A scar near your thumb
    The dirt from work,
    The oil you can’t shift,
    I’ll love it all the same.
    [space]
    <conclusion>
    [End of Paper]

    page 1 of 1




    Submitted on 2005-05-05 08:40:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Arran, I like the politics of this, I like the sound of (most) of this. I wonder, towards the middle, you speak of an "empty-pocketed girl"
    and up above a "heavy-wallet wanderer"
    This is a very minor suggestion, but I think if you changed that to "heavy-walleted wanderer" the two phrases connect more strongly and the irony becomes more evident.

    I also felt that you got off to a bit of an awkward start, that your description of the car used too many words compared to your more streamlined style after that. You also have some tense shifts there, face reflected, car sits (not sat) Anyway, here is just an idea.

    A <my> face reflects thinly
    From green tinted cheekbones
    Of "Daddy Warbucks" <wide parker> car
    Siting on the street, humming
    Splitting fuel to lethal noises
    Tasty air, called keeping warm
    Till some heavy-walleted wanderer
    <who couldn’t wait>
    returns.

    Maybe it's just me but this economy of words sounds better, but it preserves the alliteration you built in. I love how you catch the CK sounds like <wide parKer> car, which ties the verse in brackets more tightly to the rest of the line. I didn't care so much for the "high earner"
    phrase though. I thought perhaps the Daddy Warbucks might build on the CK alliteration, and I thought it might convey your intended meaning. Anyway,
    another nice one.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-05-08 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      This a bizarre piece of writing. I honestly have to say that I've never seen anything written like this before in my life. I had to read it multiple times; first to understand it, and then to see how it reads without the inserts.

    So stylistically, I really like your final product. Like I said already, this is a completely original style as far as I can tell. I really felt like you were tearing a page out of someone's life, quite literally after reading the "page 1 of 1" at the end. The was a nice touch.

    I saw no spelling errors, or any grammar mistakes, so you've got two thumbs up from me on that one.

    As far as I could tell there was only line that really stood out to me as not making sense:
    Splitting fuel to lethal noises
    I could understand the car "spitting" out the fuel and "making" lethal noises, but the way you've chosen to phrase the line is completely bizarre to me, and really doesn't seem to make much sense.

    Other than that, I would say nicely written. It's definitely somewhat confusing as you first read it, but if you've read it a couple times, it makes a lot more sense. Nicely put together.

    ~Zylle
    | Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]


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