Days Work
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Description:
Days Work
Pr- A face <my face> reflected thin In the green tinted cheekbones Of a ‘high earner’ <wide parker> car That sits humming on the street Splitting fuel to lethal noises Tasty air, that’s called keeping warm Till some heavy-wallet wanderer <who couldn’t wait> returns. You’ll see, I cut That winter out of my hair. [space] Pa- Shorter, thinner, lighter Flying messy in that diesel air Cleaner but feeling naked now Looking paler, sicker, Trying to tie cloth round, Anything to look more like me Than I do right now. [space] <&> [space] less like the girl That lost out at the game And came home Empty pocketed and carrying Too much to hold up. <but caring too much to let go> [space] Fu- Living roundabout. Crossroad creases. The days work Under your fingernails The hard soap Dries white lines. That crease, one runs Straight across the palm. Your ‘life line’ a perfect <warning> sign of your conviction. I rest my fingers Across the softer skin That ridges at your knuckles. White pucker- A scar near your thumb The dirt from work, The oil you can’t shift, I’ll love it all the same. [space] <conclusion> [End of Paper] page 1 of 1 |
Submitted on 2005-05-05 08:40:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| Arran, I like the politics of this, I like the sound of (most) of this. I wonder, towards the middle, you speak of an "empty-pocketed girl" and up above a "heavy-wallet wanderer" This is a very minor suggestion, but I think if you changed that to "heavy-walleted wanderer" the two phrases connect more strongly and the irony becomes more evident. I also felt that you got off to a bit of an awkward start, that your description of the car used too many words compared to your more streamlined style after that. You also have some tense shifts there, face reflected, car sits (not sat) Anyway, here is just an idea. A <my> face reflects thinly From green tinted cheekbones Of "Daddy Warbucks" <wide parker> car Siting on the street, humming Splitting fuel to lethal noises Tasty air, called keeping warm Till some heavy-walleted wanderer <who couldn’t wait> returns. Maybe it's just me but this economy of words sounds better, but it preserves the alliteration you built in. I love how you catch the CK sounds like <wide parKer> car, which ties the verse in brackets more tightly to the rest of the line. I didn't care so much for the "high earner" phrase though. I thought perhaps the Daddy Warbucks might build on the CK alliteration, and I thought it might convey your intended meaning. Anyway, another nice one. Dave | Posted on 2005-05-08 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ] | This a bizarre piece of writing. I honestly have to say that I've never seen anything written like this before in my life. I had to read it multiple times; first to understand it, and then to see how it reads without the inserts. | So stylistically, I really like your final product. Like I said already, this is a completely original style as far as I can tell. I really felt like you were tearing a page out of someone's life, quite literally after reading the "page 1 of 1" at the end. The was a nice touch. I saw no spelling errors, or any grammar mistakes, so you've got two thumbs up from me on that one. As far as I could tell there was only line that really stood out to me as not making sense: Splitting fuel to lethal noises I could understand the car "spitting" out the fuel and "making" lethal noises, but the way you've chosen to phrase the line is completely bizarre to me, and really doesn't seem to make much sense. Other than that, I would say nicely written. It's definitely somewhat confusing as you first read it, but if you've read it a couple times, it makes a lot more sense. Nicely put together. ~Zylle | Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ] | |
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