the shadows remain by deadndreaming

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Submission Name: the shadows remain dots

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Author:	deadndreaming
Elite Ratio:	6.77 - 1348/1244/78
Words:	128

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	536
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1259

Description:
meh

the shadows remain dots

-------------------------------------------

when you left, your shadow seared into my carpet
like the aftermath of an atomic bomb —
scrub as I may, the stench of decay
and the etched outline remain
as souvenirs of our warranted pain

pause...breathe...

days go by, like crinkled leaves in autumn wind
no purpose or direction, just aimless drifting
waiting to be raked into a pile of nonentity
crammed into a bag of compost and regret
to mingle with your faded laughs and lingering scent

rise...smile...

I am comforted by the fact that even radiation
eventually disperses and evaporates
and the ground (even at zero) gives life anew;
but what possible good is a flower's bloom
when shadows cast away the sun too soon?

Submitted on 2005-05-06 00:36:52 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||

i loved the poem but every time i read it, the first stanza caught me. it seems an overkill to use atomic bomb and stench of decay even though it works and sets up the last stanza that features my fav line: but what good is a flower's bloom
when shadows cast away the sun too soon?
| Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by punn | [ Reply to This ]
  wow.that's all i can say...this is a really good poem.it's so..i don't even know...but i guess it's like a painting,except without the paint.if that makes any sense.anyway,hard to explain.but you definitely have talent.i really enjoyed it.my favorite parts were...

pause...breathe...

rise...smile...

i like that,it made it really intersting.
| Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by Jeka | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Fella,

I tried to pick out one of your poems with fewer comments but you're pretty well off in that regard.

On my first read of this I thought it was perfect and was just going to fav it and move on to something less refined but that type of poem may not exist here (~_^) It's also important to understand why things worked for a reader etc and I do have a point or two that may be worth some thought...on to the poem.

when you left, your shadow seared into my carpet
like the aftermath of an atomic bomb —

I like the comparison here...something as everyday as a shadow having the intensity of a nuclear explosion. I feel like you could maybe harness the sorrow a little better by placing a longer pause after "when you left" It maybe feels like the emotion is a little underweighted in this part...or perhaps the foucs is too heavily on the side of shock so that the loss is harder to feel. I'd just test out some variations until you know you have it . If you're there then great.

scrub as I may, the stench of decay

Usually I like your inline rhymes but not here. Perhaps it's in the way that I'm reading it but
for an instant it has a bit of a sing song feel & that doesn't make it worth the risk here imo.

and the etched outline remain
as souvenirs of our warranted pain

Again, the rhyming presents a problem because it is noticeable that he last line seems to have too many beats so as a reader I'm doing a quickstep to marry the rhymes up and still maintain the rhythm. Also it's a little distant from the pain. That's good in that it gives you room to move in the next stanza but I'm seeing it as a lost opportunity to up the intensity of the poem as a whole.

pause...breathe...

Didn't like this bit the first time...like it now that I've connected with the poem better

days go by, like crinkled leaves in autumn wind
no purpose or direction, just aimless drifting
waiting to be raked into a pile of nonentity
crammed into a bag of compost and regret
to mingle with your faded laughs and lingering scent

The metaphors and imagery do a lot of the work here but I like the way you injected some tangible emotions in there as well. This is a magnificent stanza. Poetry usuallu is or isn't and this most definitely IS!

rise...smile...

I am comforted by the fact that even radiation
eventually disperses and evaporates
and the ground (even at zero) gives life anew;
but what good is a flower's bloom
when shadows cast away the sun too soon?

There's really nice progression in this piece. The devastion of the first stanza...the aftermath and rubble of the 2nd and then a lovely summation in the final stanza that brings the poem full circle but leaves us with those final 2 heartbreaking lines.

Those last lines are devastating and are a fine example of how rhyme and flow can add to the mood of a piece.

You have a real way with words but I still think there's a challenge to lift this poem to a level where you wouldn't change a thing because it was perfect and I'm sure you're up for it.

Marvellous beginnings DB
| Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  the rhyme and meter of this is perfect, and i fancy the way you broke the perfection by two word lines in the breaks. nice. *md*
| Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by MerryDeath | [ Reply to This ]
  This one reads like an american classic... it just has english class perfect scansion, meter, and rhyme scheme... and the whole last stanza really brought it home. I'm humbled :)

It's reading stuff like this here that makes my writer's block/writer's laziness worth it. :)
| Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
  The form and style is great and the poem itself is compelling. So many metahors that fit so perfectly with the feelings that are implied.
The aftermath of a breakup can certainly, at times, feel like an atomic bomb explosion. I like the inbetween breathers.. it adds finesse to the poem. And I can almost see that smile as you write the last stanza..
The second stanza however, is my favorite...though it's all really good.
Wonderful work! (and nice pic)
~Sandra
| Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  well even though the coffee has not yet been absorbed fully into my brain...i'll give a comment a go anyways...because i really love this...i think its the atmosphere of the write and the things you've incorparated into the write that make me like it so much...i reread it today and it seems you've maybe changed something in thew last stanza though and i'm not fully recalling what it is...but i find myself still liking it...i really can't explain...lol...man my attempt here issounding extremly lame...maybe i should of waited till later...i'll return when i can explain what i'm thinking...purp
| Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  much better, much more lyrical.
We can see that the flower that might bloom is perhaps another love. Yet you are not sure it is possible with the shadows that remain if it is possible. Perfect description of after breaking up feeling. Am I gonna be able to love again? I will never forget my ex!

I am glad I was of help. :)
Peace
Viviane
| Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is excellent. I love the simple format and easy to read lines. Loved this part,
"waiting to be raked into a pile of nonentity
crammed into a bag of compost and regret
to mingle with your faded laughs and lingering scent"
I think that you did an excellent job presenting the longing sense of letting something so close to you go but then realizing that there is life afterwards. It might take a while but it continues. Excellent write. So glad to see you posting again. :)

-blt
| Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
  Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Sorry. I am a romantic.

I'm unsure of my thoughts on the middle verse:

pause...breath..

It didn't really make the impact on me like a secluded, italicized section should.

Or maybe I'm blabbing in nonsense... who knows?

I liked how you used autumn leaves as an example, but I also felt you should have explained more about this woman.

Unless you meant it to not explain.

Because, I feel that we, as the audience, should fall in love with her... somewhat... before hearing she is gone (or while hearing she is gone) and feeling that dispair of her shadow and whatnot.

I hope that makes sense. (Lots of stuff I start talking about doesn't normally make sense.)

All in all, it was very enjoyable and delightful to read.

Anything not about death and sadness is enjoyable to read.

But this was especially delightful.

Jen
| Posted on 2005-05-08 00:00:00 | by poetofthenight | [ Reply to This ]
  description:
meh
I suppose the art is in describing and sharing meh.
Odd in a way that you should want to.
Not odd that you should feel the need.
And you do it wither plum.
There is an inherent chill throughout; a feeling of being too near a bonfire and struggling for breath.
This is delivered in a way that you have rather cornered: a means of articulating grey matters within the confines of good manners and community brunch.
Yes Ray Bradbury.
Or Nick Hornby...
The dynamics of an indescribable ache; articulated whilst acquaintances eat blueberry muffins.
I would put the word possible between what and good in the second to last line because it would scan better and sound even more bereft...
v deft.
K
| Posted on 2005-05-08 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  This writing.. this new style of yours seems to be floating on ocean waves. It leaves off with a question, but it leads me to many more at the same time. It invoked so much saddness in myself but at the same time it also seemed to release... honesty?? I must say that the breaks in it did not fit well for me. I just wanted to skip over them instead of taking that pause that was intended. I love a poem that leaves me wondering. I do not mean that I could not quite grasp the meaning of the poem only introspective wondering. I see I have missed out on much change in your writing so this piece took me by shock. Looks like I will have to dwell deeper for comments.
| Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]
  now this reminds me of how difficult it can be to get over someone. guess I've been there a few times. and I don't know why, but you remind me of someone I met last year that I had to get over and your poetry brings his face back again and again. which probably means I should stop reading it. but it's so great, I just can't stop. I'm hopelessly addicted to your writing.
| Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  First off. welcome back, my brother.

This piece caught me off guard at first, because the "vocce voca" was different than any I'd read from you before. I left it alone last night, and as I went to bed, visions of mushroom clouds danced in my head . . .

I need a vacation.

Today, I wound my way back here via a circuitous route, through a veritable forest of comments made . . . left, like banana peels on the grass. And here I am, and I find I have a deeper appreciation for this poem today, after letting it stew awhile (I was in a hyper-critical mood last night).

There's a sad grace about this piece that I missed on first blush. And what at first appeared a little heavy handed, now seems appropriate. Your metaphor, I mean. The destruction left in the wake of an important relationship . . . a love. I don't know if it's a stain on the carpet, but it does LINGER <which is the word I would have used in your title here, or "the stain remains" haha>. I have my own host of shadows stretched out on my carpet, so I ripped the fuc/ker up and I'm all hardwood now, baby!

I know I'm rambling a bit, so let me close by saying, it's good to have you back and I can't think of much to add or take away from this bit, and for that you'll have to forgive . . . or attribute it to your own skills, which have not diminished with your absence.

p/f!
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  think I work, this, like unwork that is normally at this site, found
warrants
unlike comments,
than those found here critiques,
and time away
yields a good return on the investment
on the return.
So, play with the puzzle, I don't think pieces of any are missing.
And two hit wonder be. (maybe three)
see?
D.
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  yeah...youre back and seems as if, better than ever!

the imagery in this piece was outstanding and reminded me what it is about your work that i adore! you have such a unique storytelling voice that it pushes the reader to the end making you care about what happens...

i actually feel this piece. It's also intriguing how you can write so solidly with camparative language, it makes the reader feel as if this is expressly for them. sigh... (if only i could learn to step out of myself like this)

again glad you're semi-back! :P

(picking up the phone)

I'll just cancel jerry lewis now! lol
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
  first up... are you the one hit wonder in the pic up there...?

and second... WOW! amazing write! i am really loving the way ppl seem to be exploring different styles with their stuff (i am home for the weekend and am on a massive poetry binge LOL)

this write is simply beautiful in a tragic kinda way... i mean the opening stanza comparing her leaving to an atomic bomb hitting... thats pretty hardcore to say the least but i really like the way the wrote moves from desperation and massive loss to the end where there is an element of hope... that the aftermath isnt always gonna be so bad and that the memory wont always be so vivid...

i really liked the bits in italics... the pause breathe bit reminded me SO much of that radiohead song "exit music (for a film)" ya know it...? i dunno... thats just what it made me think of...

but imagine life without shadows... i dont think life would be life if it was shadow free... theres always gotta be something in the corner of your eye...

awesome write... really really...
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good write. Like the way you use radiation as a metaphor here and the way you come back to it in the 3rd(main) stanza works really well. Nothing really I see that needs to be changed. Good work.

Peace,

Joey
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this poeace is really good. I liked the idea of the first lines a lot...
"like the aftermath of an atomic bomb —
scrub as I may, the stench of decay
and the etched outline remain
as souvenirs of our warranted pain"
That is some really powerful and creative imagery. The only thing I would comment on is the use of the word sears. I think you need to say, grammaticlly speaking, "seared itself" I love the word, but I'm not entirely sure it's being used properly.

The second stanza is really works with metaphor. You can really see those empty days just floating by, and then being raked up as if they were nothing at all. I think this stanza could be even more effective if you deleted the "and" between compost and regret, so that the regret takes on the traits of the compost, which is what I think you meant in the first place.
So...
"days go by, like crinkled leaves in autumn wind
no purpose or direction, just aimless drifting(comma)
waiting to be raked into a pile of nonentity(comma)
crammed into a bag of compost;
regret mingling with your faded laughs and lingering scents.
I think this conveys the imagery more appropriately

"and the ground(even at zero)..."What about
"and the ground, still frostbitten...
"and the ground, an artic tundra..."

The last two lines are powerful and get to the root of existential dilemma. They sound almost simple on first reading, but they are anything but.
So a few suggestions, but all around a very promising peace which is evocative of a number of the senses, always a very good sign!
Ashley
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by queendepricate | [ Reply to This ]
  when you left, your shadow seared into my carpet
like the aftermath of an atomic bomb —
scrub as I may, the stench of decay
and the etched outline remain
as souvenirs of our warranted pain

^ whoa, I have seen so many ways of explaining "the leave of a mrk" but never like this.. the imagery is amazing... and I dont know if this was intended... but um.. what were ya'll doin on that carpet? (haha)

pause...breathe... (yeah thats neccessary)

days go by, like maple leaves in autumn wind
no purpose or direction, just aimless drifting
waiting to be raked into a pile of nonentity (intesting place of a word)
each day a lifetime of regret.
your scent crawls around in my gutted pit

rise...smile...

I am comforted by the fact that even radiation
eventually disperses and evaporates (WE WILL OVER COME)
yet I know it is not a question of
when I will be done with all this [censored]
but rather when will this [censored] be done
with me

okay. these last few lines I am not sure about.. I dont know if they do the poem jsutice.. after being packed with some mcu emiton, imagery, of a person crwling through your blood like the after math of a poisoness spider bite and then you say...

when I will be done with all this [censored]
but rather when will this [censored] be done
with me

I guess it sums it up.. but doesnt do the whole poem justice.
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
  Some great imagery you have there.
I liked the second stanza best, except I think you should have went on with the same spirit to talk baout your fellings. The last verse seems a bit out of place.
As for your last line or before last (but rather when will this [censored] be done) even with the enjambement I think it lost the rythm. I think you should review that.
Peace
Viviane
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
  you put me in mind of ray bradbury - that story he did about the house that did everything automatically and perfectly. the house where the efficiency of the machines went unappreciated and their doings echo loudly in abandoned halls day after day, the triumph of man-made realities in advanced technology stubbled by the vivid shadows of happy children playing blasted permanently on the outer walls; a monument, a modern-day Icarus, a cautionary tale to those who dare to fly too close to the sun. though your aftermath is a different kind of bucket of cold water to the face, it's a consequence, a monument of that which affects you, the molecules that collide irreversably with yours in the shape of a woman walking away with more than her Samsonite suitcase and record collection.

i love the italicized words, those little commands we whisper to the psyche, to keep it together, not to cry (okay, that's just me then) to hold on as we move to crash inevitably into other unwise courses and unplanned chemical reactions.

yet, here is where i am gentle. while i get all of that with what you wrote, because i have come to expect that bucket and the fresh faced gut punches that come with it, i felt that there's something else you had to offer me besides maple leaves in autumn winds. give me a lazy black cat on the couch who looks as much like roadkill as you feel. show me the [censored] that causes you to chain smoke at 2am, trying to write out everything that can't be scrubbed away or faded with neosporin. really, make it hurt, no holds barred. read it again, dig around for the [censored] you're hiding behind a box of all your favorite books in the closet and rock my world something fierce. nice to see you sharing (or at the very least, nice to see a piece of yours on the recent posts list) =]

~Blue
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really good. You found some of those obscure metaphors you say I use all of the time. I watch a lot of The History Channel and PBS, and stuff about Hiroshima sends chills up my spine. Those permanent shadows (among other things) are just too freaky. I know how it is to feel like there's "residue" of someone in a place. I've wanted to move everytime I've had a breakup. Since I don't smoke, I could always smell my ex's cigarettes on my sofa and stuff.

days go by, like maple leaves in autumn wind
no purpose or direction, just aimless drifting
waiting to be raked into a pile of nonentity

That's a really great. That just gave me an idea for a line (goes to write it down). I love the idea of the leaves being "raked into a pile of nonentity." That reminds me of a quote from Bright Eyes' "A Scale, A Mirror, and Those Indifferent Clocks":

And language just happened, it was never
planned, and it’s inadequate to describe where I am in the room of my house where the light has never been waiting for this day to end. And these clocks keep unwinding and completely ignore everything that we hate or adore. Once the page of a calendar is turned it’s no more. So tell me then, what was it for? Oh tell me, what was it for?

The last stanza is great. I never thought of comparing nuclear fallout with emotional fallout.
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  well, i have been away for a while mr. dreaming, but it looks as though you have gotten your groove back. beautiful write...i find it interesting that the description is simply "meh"...i assume that, once again, this is not one of your faves, but it truly is an incredibly emotional piece to be so much shorter than some of your others. welcome back (figuratively speaking of course) ;)

joye
| Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by pinurplepassion | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
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3. How did it make you feel?
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8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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