Well, it's not the worst I've read, you do show some intelligence of prose, but it's not the best either. I know maybe in the heat of the moment, just wanting to get feelings out onto paper, you perhaps didn't care too much about what people think in terms of quality; I'm not bashing it, just being honest.
The second stanza is blatantly repetitive; I know you were trying to elaborate on the idea of the first, but you over used the words. I'd suggest, if you at all feel like putting more work into this one, just finding more complexity. Explore the emotion a little bit more; and please, lay off the angst. I wouldn't suggest bringing in a second party. I can't stand poems that have stuff like, " How could you do this to me?" if you catch my drift; this poem could easily lean towards the angst persuasion, but it's much better than an angst poem. Forgive me for being to analytical, and don't be insulted, because I'm just in a critical mood right now.
Lol, I really don't have anything more to say...just simply that, lol.
But I feel bad for leaving so little. BUT IT HAD TO BE SAID!
Like when friends compete for attention. OR WORSE when you give one attention the other goes all depressed mean-head...even though said person commented that they really didn't want the attention...*Gives you full attention* This would probably creep you out if you had been sitting anywhere near me...because I would be staring at you...not that I do that in real life...<.< >.>
This is really good, I loved the whole theam of it. ^_^ Um.. i don't really know what to say.. it flows really well and I think this is my fav of all the poems you've written so far (don't know why, it just really spoke to me...)
Hey, sorry it took me so long to comment on this. Wow, we haven't talked in a long time, how are you? Anyway, on to your poem, this is really nice piece, not the best you've written, but still good. I really like the first and the last stanza, they really stand out to me. Good job.
Ok this is my first time commenting, so you're going to have to be gentle if I get it wrong. Right, so how does it make me feel? The first couple of stanzas make me feel really on edge. Like you're standing in tar, if that makes any sense. Like you've built your world around something so fragile and delicate that it's crumbling under your feet. But towards the end, the feel of the piece is far more hopeful. It has a kind of 'Ok, so my world's founded on something fragile, but I'm going to find something to hold on to' kind of feel to it. Like you're going to keep going and fight because in the end, it's worth it. That's how it makes me feel to read it :)
How I felt..? i felt really related to it. Honestly, I love dreams and most of the time I prefer living on dreams than living in reality, it's so much easier, you can be yourself and can control everything that happens around you without feeling helpless. Yreally liked your piece so maybe you should fight more with your roomies cause you really get inspired! just kiddin, ne way, great job!
This made me think of when im dreaming and i know it, and i never want to wake up...although my dreams ussually have nothing to do with my goals and hopes, lol they are ussually just very entertaining. this is a great write, i liked it even thoguh i cant completely compare to it.
u wanted to know how i felt soooo... here goes... this made me think about all those times i felt that fallin asleep would make me miss something or lose it. and i hated that feeling. i hated feeling helpless. i think about holding on to a dream that no one else can understand but those who really care. and thats how i feel. hope that helped at all, don't really know what u are looking for but im full of insights. lol