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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: For Those Who Don't Rememberdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blackpearl
    ASL Info:    21/f/OH
    Elite Ratio:    6.77 - 52/43/13
    Words: 157
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 2173
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1112



    Description:
        Warning: this is rough. Very rough. It probably sucks but I had to purge it from my system.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFor Those Who Don't Rememberdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Who are you? Who were you?
    Surely, you were something more
    Than that grainy, gray photograph
    Height, weight, hair, eyes
    Date of birth, distinguishing marks

    A statistic, one of many
    In a list of names and faces
    A single, sterile sentence
    From faded, fusty folder
    That was thrown out long ago

    You melted in the springtime
    As the world bloomed around you
    An epilogue, an afterthought
    Amid all those green and growing things
    And all those people who still exist

    No six-column headlines or six o’clock news stories
    Just “unknown circumstances”
    And six-one, one-forty, brown and hazel
    And that scar on your cheek
    All filed in a folder long since lost, like you

    Out into nowhere, an ocean of emptiness
    A black hole, a vacuum, a void
    Gone, your essence dissipated
    From this world of documented people
    Whose existence remains a fact

    Ronald Cole
    Born September 21, 1945
    Disappeared May 1, 1965




    Submitted on 2005-05-07 01:45:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It amazes me how "little" people seem sometimes.

    What's sad is that most of the time, the ones who are "big" in your eyes don't even seem coin-sized to the rest of the world. So when people start testing bombs, burning old buildings, sending people to war or just as simple as walking on other people's graves... it just seems so easy.

    Sometimes, I think that people only become "people" to us when they've already taken a significant portion of our time or remind us of those who have.

    Oh well..

    I admire the tone of effortlessness that seems to come with it. I guess that just goes to show how close to heart this must have been for you.

    This roughness you mentioned, I think, is hardly an issue since this piece, as you said, does something for you.

    It's all you...

    And it didn't have trouble connecting with me so...

    cheers.
    | Posted on 2007-06-01 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      You should consider being a documentarian (you have the proper combination of passionate detachment and eye for detail so necessary to portraying tragedy as pointedly as you do). This was a brilliant 'pan and scan' of a life with unspoken detail mirrored in questions that burn a mile deep into the psyche of the reader. Nothing could more effective than exposing the callousness of cold statstics for what they really are. Nicely, nicely, nicely done. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      As much as you may think this sucks, it doesn't. It honestly doesn't. (Maybe I'm stupid or something, but in the second stanza, should it be "dusty instead of "fusty"???) Anyway, like Katia, I didn't know the background behind this, and it was definately awesome without knowing that. It was well written, and it definately gave new meaning to just being a number, one that is easily outnumbered and forgotten. Definately worth the time of everyone, I hope that more people find it.
    ~Jess
    | Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      I had a look at your page sometime ago, and found out from your bio that you are seriously involved with missing people; that you have a website dedicated to those missing - and those missing them.

    Without that knowledge, this piece would have been an intriguing and very dramatic piece of writing.

    Knowledge, is however, a tricky thing. Once you know, un-knowing is rather difficult. And reading this with the knowledge I have of your work, this poem has so many levels, so much emotion, so much...anger and pain and tears...

    This is not 'rough', in my opinion. Its raw and striking, and it stops one in their tracks, and makes them think about things they usually dont think about...

    I'm sorry I'm rambling...This post of yours has winded me, making me lose my coherency...

    I sincerely admire you, your work - and your emotional strength.

    Please keep writing :)

    All the best,

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      If this was a struggle for you and you feel it lacks something I must read more of your work...I find this to be both chilling and poignant. I actually have chills.

    I am more than intrigued to find out who this guy is/was and what he means to you since generations separate you...

    You melted in the springtime
    As the world bloomed around you
    An epilogue, an afterthought
    Amid all those green and growing things
    And all those people who still exist

    This is pure brilliance in the way you highlight the transitory nature of existence in one stanza. The close was equally as brilliant. I always find it sad that a person's life is summed up in such cold hard shallow terms.

    This is more than enough to bring me back to your page to read your past work and to look forward to your next.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, that was somehow really really interesting! I really am not sure whether I have read any of your poems before or not! I think I didn't! But I think after reading this one I'll try to read more of your poems at least to judge better.

    And now about the poem itself; I think that this is a sadly beautiful poem indeed, of course the subject of the poem is somehow new (To me) as I haven't read any poem before talking about such issue or may be in such a way! The way it was presented was good and somehow innovative too (in my point of view), the poem is well written with nearly no spelling mistakes and that is a very important thing because I believe that spelling mistakes take alot from the beauty of any poem.

    Usually I don't read depressed poems because I don't usually like them! I am not a fan of that kind of poetry and I rarely write it! But that doesn't mean that I don't read it! I read this one and I am so glad that I did because I would have missed alot by not reading it!

    And I must talk about the title ( For Those Who Don't Remember ), which was very very well chosen and captures the attention of the readers (it captured mine)! Actually I chose to read this poem because of it's title! Like I said I rarely read depressed poetry but the title totally captured my attention and so I had to read it and I'm glad that I did! And also the description which I beleive to be a very important tool for the writer to use to capture the attention of the readers and to give a prior presentation to the poem and I think you somhehow succeeded in doing that as you used it in a simple and sincere way!

    I think that the emotion was flowing all over the poem and the sincerity too! And that is a very important thing, as I believe that the key to the succes of any poem is how sincere is it and how was it presented to the reader and did it touch him in a way or another! Because that is what poetry is all about! It is all about translating our emotions in to words.

    I liked the part that says

    "You melted in the springtime
    As the world bloomed around you
    An epilogue, an afterthought
    Amid all those green and growing things
    And all those people who still exist."

    And also the last stanza "The finale" which was very good and well written too, as I believe that the last three lines in the poem are not the finale of the poem, they are the finale of the case not the poem!

    "Out into nowhere, an ocean of emptiness,
    A black hole, a vacuum, a void
    Gone, your essence dissipated
    From this world of documented people
    Whose existence remains a fact"

    I really liked those last words specially the last line!

    I think you succeeded in transfering your emotion through the poem to the reader and let them feel what you feel and that is a very good thing.

    And I also want to talk abput the images created as they were well written and well constructed too.

    Anyway I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      this is so in your face... very powerful.
    did you know him...? how did you become aware of him and his disapearance etc...?

    i think it is very effective the way you kept this quite emotionally stark... it was quite a cold write with all the statistics and all peppered right throughout... you didnt sprinkle magic fairy dust on it as if everything is fineand lovely... the raw harshness of reality is undeniable and the way you end this... breathtaking... it made me shudder... really.

    You melted in the springtime
    As the world bloomed around you
    An epilogue, an afterthought
    Amid all those green and growing things
    And all those people who still exist

    i feel this is my favourite stanza... the way you describe his disappearance... while the whole of life continues to spin round and do its thing while he falls through the cracks of life/society without being noticed... very powerful and well thought out...

    the use of the photo as a visual adds a whole lot more power to this write... ive not read your stuff before but i am off to find more... thank you.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Well this makes for depressing reading.

    It is the sort of poem that you can't really critique in terms of imagery and other 'poetic devices'. I think the simple, 'rough' style you've employed throughout suits the subject matter- you don't want to make such a heavy topic seem secondary to writing 'nicely' and you have managed to avoid that.

    I though the first 4 stanzas were particularly effective as you showed how such a tragic event had become mundane through apathy and time. The final stanza was a little bit less so as you tried to introduce more 'poetic' and philosophical ideas...personally I don't think you need to as you've indirectly introduced all these ideas earlier in the poem.

    And I think the final lines reading

    'Ronald Cole
    Born September 21, 1945
    Disappeared May 1, 1965'

    were particularly effective in making the reader baulk at the impersonal and callous nature of the official record.

    This reminds me a lot of a poem by an Australian poet, Bruce Dawe...I think it was called 'Homecoming' that described the return of bodies to Australia in the Vietnam War.

    This is a very interesting look at the transcience of life and in some ways how society forgets. I wouldn't worry about the fact that the poem is rough- it lends a kind of raw power that suits the subject. Well written.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]


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