Description: This is to my mum, not to a lover, although that is what it sounds like.
To My Mother -------------------------------------------
Night shines on you
Like the darkness in your hair,
Like love's everlasting residue
That we knew was never there.
From misallignment of the stars,
Like Heaven was newly rearranged,
Like beauty surpassing from afar,
Hence, you taught me fate could be changed.
Miniscule terrors scribbled in crooked lines,
Like black that withers and so dies.
Like all the times that you stole mine--
I want to steal the sadness from your eyes.
A very sweet, tender poem. Its quite pretty though I do feel that it lacks something. What I'm not quite sure, jsut something to give it a little ''ommph!''. I can really relate to the feeling behind the poem
I agree, this is so tender and sweet. *sigh* A perfect read, on this, the day of our Mothers! LOL! Not at all what I expected, either. I was afraid it would be along the lines of, "I love my mommy, she's just swell. She's taught me alot, so I won't go to Hell."
LOL, love your avatar! ^_^ The line,
"From misallignment of the stars,"
Almost echoes of Shakespeare...his star-crossed lovers and such, but not in a bad way. I thought it rather lovely. Anywho, if you did decide to extend the length, it would be great...if not, it's still great. Very beautiful.
I really like this peice, it seems to speak from the heart in that reall sort of manner. I can sense the love is there. This almost seems like you are trying to make up for something that you did in life that disappointed your mother. I mostly got this interpretation from the ending.
The only thing that disappoints me about this peice is its lenght, you had such a great idea going and then you cut it short. Don't stop what doesn't need stopping. I think that if you expanded further on your previous ideas then you could take this great peice and make it truly grand. I like what you did with the rhyme scheme though, it worked almost flawlessly and the poem was given a much better sense of central flow. Very nicely done, just keep going.
I love the figure of speech you used in the poem. This poem has many meanings but since this poem is dedicated to your mother, i think there should be more depth of what you feel for her and what she brings out in you.
To me it was kinda incomplete. A mother has so many qualities in her even if sometimes we do not see it from our own eyes. I think you should of expressed more in you poem about your mother.
In terms of the poem, one word should of been "misalignment". I don't really get how the night can shine on her. The night can symbolize so many things but since this deals with your mom, i don't think she can be the night, or unless you meant that throughout the night, she is the one that shines. But you didn't put it that way.
Like love's everlasting residue
Okay, let me find if this sentence makes sense, love; an affection or a sort of passion, everlasting; forever,endless, undying and residue; remains or the rest of the love...Right.
From the entire poem, i can only come to this conclusion. you and your mom are having some problems with each other cause this is honestly not a poem where we're dealing with a happy ending. If this is the case, then i guess you did a wonderful job but if this deals with something of love, i don't think you grabbed the concept.
When i read the title, i thought i'd be dealing with something a mom has to offer to her child and what that child in response is feeling( in a possitive way) but it turned out to be something different and if that was your intentions...good job then.
This is a very poignant love poem -- although it is also kind of general, it could just as easily be a man addressing his lover. I will leave you to decide whether that is a good thing or not.
I wish it were longer, though. You could considering putting in an extra verse or two about, say, a mother's nurturing quality or something like that. I would also suggesting removing the punctuation at the end of the lines, the commas and periods. It's kind of a pet peeve of mine -- kind of annoying to me and I think it distracts from the words. It is just a personal preference though.
Some of the rhymes are perfect, some imperfect. Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with this, but you might want to change it so the rhymes are consistently one or the other.
Is your mother depressed? It seems like that from the last line: "I want to steal the sadness from your eyes." I love the last line -- it really impresses itself on my head and I can almost see your mom in my mind, black hair, eyes brimming with tears.
This is a good effort, especially for your years (Pardon my ageism here, but when I was thirteen. I wrote horrible teen angsy poetry. This is much better than that.)