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    dots Submission Name: Colouring the Evidencedots

    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 272
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 958
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1979

       hmm, i dont know. this looks kind of long but please give it a chance :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsColouring the Evidencedots

    Your twilight skin
    so sadly missed
    as I bury my lips
    in sharp folds of hard, blue cotton.

    My body cools
    And serpent-coils
    Once more,
    After the war.
    Like a quiet blackness,
    Like a subtle foe,
    Lies ticking.
    Dropped but waiting, somewhere unfolding,
    Elaborating <or anticipating>

    Iím in that <agony of>
    Single-bed-drowning again
    When stretching brings me
    This One Cold Wall
    This One Cold War.
    <that unflinching regiment>
    <they stand silent as the grave>
    This reminds me how much softer
    Your body is than bricks and mortar.
    <though even those can fall>
    Somehow I know you sing
    More sweetly than the sound
    Of heavy-mouthed, rusting engines
    <who police our corrupt streets>
    And that thick breath of yours
    <<the smoke
    Lies more sweetly
    On my lips, still buried,
    I tight-shut lonely eyes
    To tell myself Iím sleeping,
    If I try hard I can <still> smell you
    On my skin. <or am I dreaming?>

    No one there
    To hold back my hair
    As I fell, sick and sweating
    <ready for the fight>
    To a foot-printed floor.
    <just eleven days till my great escape>
    <249 more hours of some soul destroying nightmare>
    I am
    another sign of you-
    I lay there knowing
    If I died this time
    It would be you-
    Just as you said,
    One to put the other in the ground.
    And somehow, then
    It <must> just go on,
    The unlucky one
    To get up from the dust-
    My footprints on your cheek
    <from lying here with me>
    Iíll leave my mark
    Then leave you with
    my sharp, cold sheets.

    Submitted on 2005-05-09 07:15:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with Van that The <> Were a bit distracting. My computer went all crazy for a minute. anyhow, I really loved this the repetion of sounds you use created a wonderfully worded piece. It sort of pierced my ears; in a way I enjoyed, as I read aloud. The whole "I tight-shut lonely eyes" Part I'm not quite sure if I get the meaning. The rest of the piece I found quite deliscous. mmm! : p Peace
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this poem. If I have one gripe at all it would have to be the use of <these> as a technique, only because I found them distracting and for me that didn't allow me to lose myself in the poem. I kept getting dragged back out again. I understand the technique and you've gone after something technically difficult, tearing this way and that with multiple voices, ideas, thoughts, random and yet wonderful. I'm not sure what the solution is here, or if you'll decide it's something you want to keep and fukkall. You really have something here and like I said, I enjoyed it!

    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]

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