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Colouring the Evidence

Author: ellisa
Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400 /415 /125
Words: 272
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1138
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1985


hmm, i dont know. this looks kind of long but please give it a chance :)


Colouring the Evidence

Your twilight skin
so sadly missed
as I bury my lips
in sharp folds of hard, blue cotton.

My body cools
And serpent-coils
Once more,
After the war.
Like a quiet blackness,
Like a subtle foe,
Lies ticking.
Dropped but waiting, somewhere unfolding,
Elaborating <or anticipating>

I’m in that <agony of>
Single-bed-drowning again
When stretching brings me
This One Cold Wall
This One Cold War.
<that unflinching regiment>
<they stand silent as the grave>
This reminds me how much softer
Your body is than bricks and mortar.
<though even those can fall>
Somehow I know you sing
More sweetly than the sound
Of heavy-mouthed, rusting engines
<who police our corrupt streets>
And that thick breath of yours
<<the smoke
Lies more sweetly
On my lips, still buried,
I tight-shut lonely eyes
To tell myself I’m sleeping,
If I try hard I can <still> smell you
On my skin. <or am I dreaming?>

No one there
To hold back my hair
As I fell, sick and sweating
<ready for the fight>
To a foot-printed floor.
<just eleven days till my great escape>
<249 more hours of some soul destroying nightmare>
I am
another sign of you-
I lay there knowing
If I died this time
It would be you-
Just as you said,
One to put the other in the ground.
And somehow, then
It <must> just go on,
The unlucky one
To get up from the dust-
My footprints on your cheek
<from lying here with me>
I’ll leave my mark
Then leave you with
my sharp, cold sheets.

Submitted on 2005-05-09 07:15:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I agree with Van that The <> Were a bit distracting. My computer went all crazy for a minute. anyhow, I really loved this the repetion of sounds you use created a wonderfully worded piece. It sort of pierced my ears; in a way I enjoyed, as I read aloud. The whole "I tight-shut lonely eyes" Part I'm not quite sure if I get the meaning. The rest of the piece I found quite deliscous. mmm! : p Peace
| Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed this poem. If I have one gripe at all it would have to be the use of <these> as a technique, only because I found them distracting and for me that didn't allow me to lose myself in the poem. I kept getting dragged back out again. I understand the technique and you've gone after something technically difficult, tearing this way and that with multiple voices, ideas, thoughts, random and yet wonderful. I'm not sure what the solution is here, or if you'll decide it's something you want to keep and fukkall. You really have something here and like I said, I enjoyed it!

Thanks for sharing.
| Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]

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