Bring the chair by Lee

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Submission Name: Bring the chair dots

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Author:	Lee
ASL Info:	29/F/South Africa
Elite Ratio:	4.57 - 55/54/14
Words:	135

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	324
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	856

Description:
Well, not much inspiration these days, so I found this one I wrote some time ago. Yip, not the greatest topic to write about and quite simple rhyming, but I feel quite strong 'bout the reality of it all, as our crime here is one of the highest in the world.

Bring the chair dots

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Lock the doors
Switch of the lights
Pray that God protect your family tonight

In violence,
our dear President does not believe
Locked away safe in his mansion,
he cannot hear us grieve

Our families and friends get murdered and raped,
every day
But death penalty is still no option,
our dear President say

Maybe he didnt have the opportunity before,
to see a loved one stabbed 21 times or more

Will that perhaps change our Presidents mind,
to first loose someone whom he loved so kind?

We are the people and yes, we have a voice
In Gods name, why not give us a choice!

Our lives you hold in the palm of your hand
we are slipping through your fingers
time to take a stand....

Submitted on 2005-05-09 08:22:10 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
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4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  The rhythm is a bit off in this one.
Powerful subject that I relate to.
We have death penalty here and I think it should be abolished, it does not change anything.

I do not believe in violence but I believe in justice. And I think death penalty is legal violence. Especially when the law is sacrificed.

Now back to the poem.

I think you should not split this into stanzas. It will work well as a single piece. Or maybe you shd split some lines in 2, because some seem a tad too long.

for example:

"Lock the doors
Switch of the lights
Pray that God protect your family tonight"

I think you shd split the last line:

Pray that God protect
your family tonight

And of shd be off.

"Our families and friends get murdered and raped,
every day"

I think it shd be:

Friends and family get murdered
and raped, every day

I think if u make the rhythm faster and more edgy it will add to the passion within the words.

Work on making the rhyme on a single pattern, because at a certain point it seems as u focused on it more than on the poem.
you start: a b b
then a b c b and again a b c b
then the rest is a a

I don't know if u see what I mean.

You can always work on the 4 verses stanza pattern and a b c b rhyme scheme.

- Our dear president say shd be says

- Will that perhaps change our Presidents shd be president's

- to first loose shd be lose (loose means unfastened)

- in Gods shd be God's

One more suggestion:

We are the people and yes, we have a voice
In Gods name, why not give us a choice!

Why not plainly say:
In God's name, give us a choice.

Keep the tone strong since u r assertive in the verse before: "yes, we have a voice"
I think u should not tone it down.

I like your last stanza the most, it appeals to sympathy but it is not pleading. It has this sense of urgency as if a wake up call.

Peace
Viviane
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow this is such a POWERFUL piece...It made me contemplate about all the unfortunate things in life. However its an inspiring piece, it has that I need to take a stand element to it...Especially when people have had enough of all this drama in their lives that are perpetuated by the culprits...Its a little hillarious becuase its so honestly crafted...I enjoyed the read!Kind thoughts Nobantu
| Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by Nobantu | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed the poem as I knew I would. I am not saying you are wrong or right, but remember. Life and death, survival for people like me is simple. It just is what it is. Where I come from and what I do keeps me and my peers surrounded by both death and life. For that man, the President; when you have the position as simply the representative and enforcer of the laws of the people. It makes all you decisions all so much mor complicated. Not to take his/her side or anything. Nice write.
| Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by Silver20G | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice political statement, simple yet effective. My only suggestion is you change the second "president" to "leader" and the third one to "elected one" or something else, to save the repetition and to also make it more global, as it's a problem all over the world.
Great writing,
Be Happy
Graeme
| Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow... i think this is a great topic. It must be difficult living that way... it's amazing how someone can live their life and not know real life situations... and being president... he should be more aware of what is going on in his own country...

Great write... keep up the great work.

Unicorn.
| Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ]
  its good but i dont get the &#8217
what is with that i dont underatand is theyre a meaning behind it??well besides that the poem is good the numbers just through me off ...unless it suppost to relate to the poem some how???? plz let me know
great read kiu
-Darkwarrior
| Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by Darkwarrior | [ Reply to This ]

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