Jaded by you by longwinterdays

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Submission Name: Jaded by you dots

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Author:	longwinterdays
ASL Info:	18/f/wa
Elite Ratio:	4.75 - 182/174/51
Words:	162

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	239
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	629

Description:

Jaded by you dots

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razor blade kisses on a slanted boardwalk
tears of dust and cries of envy

Amazing wounds that wont heal
Lying awake at night seeing your face

razor blade kisses on a slanted boardwalk
tears of dust and cries of frustration

Always around; never letting go
But seeminlgy alone forever

razor blade kisses on a slanted boardwalk
tears of dust and cries of regret

Disturbing thoughts and emotions
Sitting here thinking of you

Submitted on 2005-05-09 09:49:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hi

Some wounds are invisible to the naked eye, funny thing about them is (on 4th line -"amazing wounds...") it hurts in a sense hard to explain - sometimes it hurts more to let go of it than to just leave it - sometimes that defines the driving force.
-Like on line 5 - (the person's face - fading is not an option - cause what do we have left - without it.)

With the line "Razor blade kisses" - and the line wounds - could tell the story of the tracks the Balde leaves - ".. slanted ..".

Line 6: " tears of dust and cries of frustration
" - shows desperation - and the futility of it all -

Lines 7:
"Always around; never letting go" - in thought but a physically battle on its own.

Even the layout of the line looks like a Boardalk, 2 blanks at a time.

Thanks for the write - and effort.

PS. we've all gone through this at some point in time - there is always hope ...

Kind regards
Eric
| Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]
  quite the interesting piece...simple, yes, but only in the thought of its length...such a treasured memory, put into words, from an outsiders view, I would say it was justified, because this was written beautifully...passions of our thoughts will one day be turned into something real and material again, i hope you believe the same...i liked the way you wrote this...

hope you are well...

tony
| Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
  This is an interesting poem. Like the structure, and the repetition of 'razor blade kisses on a slanted boardwalk' and the changing 'cries'...

slight spelling error-seeminlgy is seemingly.

I think it could be tweaked a little though, a little more imagery to go with that fantastic, abstract first line.

But all in all, an interesting and simple read. Cheers.
| Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]

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