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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: every now and thendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sun
    ASL Info:    18/m/tn
    Elite Ratio:    3.39 - 43/54/14
    Words: 177
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1170
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1036



    Description:
       the expression of giving up.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsevery now and thendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Every now and then i get high
    off the greenest grass and the bluest sky
    every now and then i find
    that lying in the moonlight clears my mind
    every now and then the stars fall down
    and in the flames i all but drown
    every now and then the truth comes out
    and chases away my hope.

    i'm tired of planning the future
    that will fix my past
    i wonder what it will take
    to love the world alas

    every now and then i think
    of how it used to be

    i've lost respect for my belief
    the darkness crept deep within
    and choke my heart again
    to lay down my sins will bring relief

    every now and then i wonder
    how the darkness overcame me

    i lay on this mountain
    my back on the ground
    i shed all my tears
    to send the streams down

    every now and then the sun shines in my life
    i turn my head for i have no room for it now.




    Submitted on 2005-05-10 14:07:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This would make a wonderful song.

    It creates this haunting image in my head of someone lying in the moonlight on a cold, dark mountain under the sad, sad stars.

    I'm interested in the way it rhymes a little bit but not too much. People get so hung up on rhyming sometimes that they lose focus on the true emotion. You, on the other hand, have blessed this piece with very vivid images of emotion. Impressive writing, it's gone into my favorites.
    | Posted on 2007-11-25 00:00:00 | by paintingangels | [ Reply to This ]
      one of my new favorites, man...this was a sheerly amazing piece. the flow was uotstanding and it was very pleasant to read. I'm not normally a fan of "depressed" poetry because it's done so much nowadays, but you really drew me in with this. I'm also not normally a fan of a lot of repitition, like you have here, but, again, you made it work very well and I loved it. I especially liked the lines

    "i'm tired of planning the future
    that will fix my past
    i wonder what it will take
    to love the world alas"

    I've been there, and I've somehow made it through. so it touched me because of that. the only thing that I didn't really like was that the last line in the first stanza didn't rhyme like the rest of the stanza did. it made sence, but it just kinda threw me off a little. but anyways, keep up the good work.

    cout<<"aLaN";
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by Gravitic | [ Reply to This ]
      very well said! touche! excellent job on the flow. I think you did a good job getting your point across. i liked it when you said "i'm tired of planning the future
    that will fix my past
    i wonder what it will take
    to love the world alas"
    good job! : )
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by salamander | [ Reply to This ]
      By far one of the best poems i have read and a definitive favorite. the line "every now and then i wonder how the darkness overcame me" was incredible. i think everyone wonders why darkness overcomes them. Excellent work!
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by DarkPoeticSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this poem so much I had to add this to my favorites. I didn't have time to comment earlier, but I think I'll comment now.
    This poem, as I read it, felt like every stanza spoke of my personal experiences. I guess, it's just so good, that it's one of those poems/songs-type things that could move anyone and have anyone, just about, think of their own life to this poem.
    The beginning got me to feel somewhat nostalgic about life and how I used to lay on the ground and think about my future and whatnot.
    The middle stanzas seemed more like me and where I'm going. I loved the lines here:
    'i've lost respect for my belief
    the darkness crept deep within
    and choke my heart again
    to lay down my sins will bring relief

    every now and then i wonder
    how the darkness overcame me.'
    But upon the end of this poem, the words brought me more sadness, and I can relate so much in this poem because I've felt so much of those lately in my life. Especially giving up on my life many times.
    Keep up with the awesome poetry.
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by EmoCatGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      I really really like this peice! It made a lot of emotions come back to the surface and I like a poem that has the power to do that! as you've already been informed of spelling and typo's i see nothing else to say but keep up the good work and I hope to read more soon!

    Karen (kp_2007)
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by kp_2007 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really loved this, it reminded me of what I feel from time to time. This was a tad choppy but it was still pretty good.
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, some of your spellings were off, and the ryhming on some lines didn't go together. but over all, it was a good write. i could relate to this, as i too would like to just give up, but we can't. keep up the good write and i'll keep reading.
    god bless
    illusions35904
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by illusions35904 | [ Reply to This ]
      normally I dont enjoy so much repetition in a piece but you (in my mind) were able to pull this off. I think that the layout of your muse is a bit choppy and may throw most readers off which will lead to less comments then you deserve so that is something you may want to keep in mind.

    You had an awesome "one liner" in here..."i'm tired of planning the future that will fix my past"

    that line alone was why this piece grabbed at me and will keep me peaking in on your page from time to time, anyone that can come up with such depth in one line is deserving of the time...well done.
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]


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