Description: Although this has not been through the sit-a-day-or-so test, I submitted it for nikki (aka stollie77) so that she doesn't have to get all ugly with withdrawals...I'm sure there is some fine-tuning due so every and all ideas, comments, suggestions are welcome...hope you like it nikkigirl
the center of everything -------------------------------------------
you found me in the backyard, away from the bustle of the party
away from the primped performers, the pimped (so called) music;
far enough away to be alone, but close enough to not feel lonely
you told me you were new to this crowd and that you didn’t fit,
that your hair was the wrong color and your eye shadow too subtle
to expect any of these visionaries to ever see what you see so clearly
it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could never understand
the scent of your foreign perfume or the way you took to me,
the way you looked at me…as if I had answers in my eyes
it didn’t take long for me to realize that a lack of understanding
can lead to awakenings, and that yearning (unless suppressed)
is the catalyst of all that has ever been discovered (or uncovered)
you took my hand in such a natural way
and without asking, you danced with me
and by the time the rain located us
we had found an umbrella
and we knew at that moment
our dance would outlast the music
and outlive our mortal hearts
you found me on the cusp of isolation, away from the desolation
of millions of happy idiots, laughing at self-effacing jokes
that they couldn’t possibly get, lest they revel in irony
I found you to be everything I could never say to anyone;
bottled-up thoughts of uncapped principles and blended colors
so obscure that they meld into all things primary and fundamental
you found me
before I ever noticed
just how lost
I really was
i love this piece.. i am going to add it to my favs.. i most certainly love the pic it shows as each new line lays down... such a vivid read.. and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling even.. i am going to read it again.. it's like you wrote a safety bubble around the two lovers.. entwin them together.. very nice..
I just popped in again to visit the family, and strolled by to say hello. I don't know how I missed this piece before. Perhaps it was fate and I wasn't meant to see it standing there on my last trip by here.
There are things going on in my life right now that would make a wonderfully sad love song, a box offfice smash or a beautiful poem...but I am so close that I cannot seem to find words to externalize it.
When I read this poem, I felt as though you were standing inside my chest, looking down into my heart, helping me to locate the moment that I have forgotten to remember.
I don't want to comment on the words or the form or the flow...because although you may not know it, WE all know you are amazing when you put your mind to paper. I just really wanted to say that you touched me. You reminded me of why I am fighting this fight. You reacquainted me with what I am really fighting for.
Thank You, Joye
P.S. Sorry to be so vague and nonsensical, but thus is me at the moment. ;)
hullo luv. i haven't commented on your work in a while (or anyone's for that matter...been so terribly busy) but i saw this on someone's favs list...and thought i'd check it out.
i agree, everyone should have a poem written for them. i know i do it subconsciously, direct my poems towards a certain individual...often i find people inspire poems, but this is different...and when i write something with someone in mind, it becomes so personal that i get scared to let the other person see it. i usually don't. and if i do, i rarely tell them it was for them.
in any case, on to the poem itself:
you found me in the backyard, away from the bustle of the party away from the primped performers, the pimped (so called) music; far enough away to be alone, but close enough to not feel lonely
oh i love that last line. but i think that "(so called)" detracts from the flow of line 2, at least when i read it aloud. i like the alliteration with "primped performers" and maybe you could continue it with a synonym for music starting with "p"...or even just repeating with adjustment: "primped performers, pimped performance" unless you think that sounds too redundant
to expect any of these visionaries to ever see what you see so clearly
quick question: why do you capitalize "I" and nothing else? this question applies more to the psyche than the poem, i imagine.
maybe it's just me, but because your piece flows so wonderfully, the parentheses in the fourth stanza detract from the overall effect. don't get me wrong, i think parentheses definately have their place in poetry (E.E. Cummings is a God), but they don't work for me here...
you took my hand in such a natural way and without asking, you danced with me
here, i think the first line detracts from the second because "without asking" is such a wonderful image, and so is "took my hand" but "natural way" doesn't quite pollute the image, but puts an almost technical filter over it. what i'm trying to say is, that by saying she took your hand and danced with you without asking, you imply the natural-ness of her actions, so it appears superfluous to state her actions were natural.
and by the time the rain located us we had found an umbrella
why "located"? i can see why you wouldn't want to repeat "found" twice, but maybe you can rephrase the second line? how does "and by the time the rain found us/we were huddled under an umbrella" well not "huddled" necessarily, it comes off as cliché and you might not have been huddling at all...but something to that effect.
and we knew at that moment our dance would outlast the music and outlive our mortal hearts
you begin lines with "and" in this stanza frequently. was that intentional?
you found me on the cusp of isolation, away from the desolation
i like the rhyme there, adds to the flow well.
I found you to be everything I could never say to anyone; bottled-up thoughts of uncapped principles and blended colors so obscure that they meld into all things primary and fundamental
you found me before I ever noticed just how lost I really was
so yeah, overall, i liked it...just a few little things. tell me if i was being too harsh!
well I dont know what the hell this has anything to do with someone else but I loved it- I can relate well to this, as opposed to some stuff just flying over me like oh I don't know say a shooting star that really wasn't a shooting star at all. Know what I mean? anyway this is well written and very good, there's not much else to say so Thanks for the great read as always lamemansterms- READ LAMEMANSTERMS
well if this is written for someone else, or posted for someone else, then why are we commenting on it? why would we offer opinions to change something that is written directly for someone, or posted directly for someone? it would be like chinese whispers. by the time it was edited after thirty people had given their input then it would no longer mean what it did before. i understand that this is a vessel in which we can give opinions. and this is great. i also understand that this is a place that we can gain opinions to open our minds about our work and make it better. but dont confuse the two. you should not edit this because of who/what/where it is for. you should spend the time first making it right and not post something that is half assed or incomplete and let the ravens of this site pick at it when it really is none of their business. to me it is like looking through a barred window. whether we are moved by what we see through it or whether we want to shout out stop and control it in our own way, we can not open the window, all we can do is look at what is happening and accept it as it is. to me this is not poetry, it is just a little situation you conjured up to make someone feel better. and that is that.
in this world we can do things to please everyone. or we can do things to please ourselves. or we can do some of each. or we can struggle between each side pulling us one way or another.
and the same is for writing, and in my opinion if you want to push yourself in any way at all you need to be more fu-cking selfish.
take care, thanks for dropping by while i was away and i hope you are well on1eday.co.uk
you wrote this whilst looking through a vaseline-smeared lens. it is also a rose tinted one. but that's just fine because I got what I needed here: a reaffirmation that I can read and enjoy something that, whilst easy and in its way shallow too is also as deep as the reader wants it to be. i know what i mean... the whole point of cliché is that it gets used and if it (or they) is/are used as it/they should be then what you get is something that at first pass might be considered facile. however, I think that once an artist has completed an apprenticeship and proven a set of skills that will capture the technicalities with composure, then it is that artist's duty to push the limits of acceptability, safe in the knowledge that form and rules can be fallen back on if required. this is how this seems to me. its very normalcy demands that it be read carefully. that's when you see the shiny bits... later, K
Dave - You make me jealous. I wish I could write this kind of stuff. You seem to be able to reach deep inside of your characters, and pull from them, all of their emotions. This is a 3-D hologram of seeing things from every perspective, seeing your character's mind at work, feeling his feelings. It is all about those feelings, expressed to perfection (even with the "superior: tone of the second strophe). There is no need to change that, it is as it was. So be it! The rest is pure magic. The ending, the final lines, felt like something I've spoken, many times, to my wife. It was as though you read my mind. The thing is, you've said it so beautifully. where most of us stumble over words as deep as these. I, honestly, would not change a thing here. Maybe I just too overwhelmed to see any flaws, but I think not. Terrific and a FAV.
Hi David, I am impressed by the nearly obsessive attention to nuances in meeting someone. And then, special someones do designate how the entire process evolves. The last lines, your being tipped off you are lost is truly priceless. It is the "aha" and awakening of the poem, not to mention yours, fitted neatly in a row of language. Sweet write, and yes, those who know, retreat from the crowds into the soft winds of sharing self. *beautiful* much love, Nan
That was ...intense... *wipes her eyes on Li-Li's shirt* ...It was like being emotionally filled...then at the end flooded out ..If you know what i mean ...I felt so warm and fuzzy ...Those last four lines are wonderful ...Very simple ..like its something that should be cliché` ..but isnt ... This has a calmness about it ...i get the feeling of honestly and purity from it...I don't like mushy..!!! help !!...*sob* .. I love how your stuff always reads effortless... Thanks for the read....*runs screaming*
It seems like you have poetry in your blood. If it's genetic pray pass over one of these atomic genes, cs you can write with seeming disturbing ease. I'm "new to this crowd", so where is this "umbrella" you speak of. CVS don't sell them. It's so down to earth, i'm trying to soak up the soil on which this fest took place, to see whether i can absorb some of this earthy romantic poetry. This is poetry wrapped in prose like a package of sweets for the tender hearted yet outcast. Somebody ought to have given this poem to those crazies shootin up places in their doomsday massacres that only the US has. Alright so i'm losing grips with the poem, with reality i dare say. no worries. Just i think you know your [censored]. What could i possibly add, suggest, let alone critique. :) Peace and let the gods of tragedy dismiss you and Artemis fall for you; oh boy that would be a first. :) Peace Raz
I didn't think the woman was foreign, just her perfume. I always read the other comments before I make mine so as not to be repetitious. What I thought was that the woman was different; stood out from the others as more serious, more sentimental maybe. and somehow you found each other in each other's idiosyncrasies. sometimes the right person just comes along and not a moment too soon. this poem is beautiful, just like all your other poems. the ending was unexpected but wonderful, lingering and deep. thanks for the fix!
There is a very low-key perfection about this piece. But then the underlying theme lacks pretense and is a fairly simple message of acceptance by One in the face of mass insanity. To find a quiet place of solace in this world is priceless beyond compare, and the only thing perhaps more important, is finding such a place within another human being. From a technical standpoint, this is a fairly safe poem in terms of style and diction and layout. I think perhaps the italics in “visionaries” comes off a little too harshly or sarcastically, and so, even though it is in defense of this precious object of affection, it hints at a hidden malice that really detracts from the trust the rest of the piece engenders towards the narrative voice or male character, or you. The use of parenthesis is appropriate throughout the poem, as it adds a mild antithetical vein and conveys a depth of understanding or appreciation that works it its favor. Perhaps the most powerful aspect of the poem is its calm, soothing, welcoming phraseology, which subconsciously allows the Reader to feel very comfortable and implies the welcoming arms of a gentle lover.
I can find no flaw other than the aforementioned use of italics, and feel confident this poem will exist as a favorite among your future body of work, no matter how prodigious it turns out to be.
In short, it was beautiful and I’m proud to add this to my list of favorites. Welcome home, my brother.
My introduction to your works began very recently - and I apologize in advance for not being very constructive...for I am somewhat stunned :)
I love the parallel between stanzas 1 and 6 - very cleverly and subtly done...the beginning being just a physical description...geography and sociology, if you will - that later develops into psychology, shrinking the world to just the two of you...
Poignant, evocative and alive, with the ending so different in format, in rhythm, in tone - and yet feeling completely organic...I could not imagine a different conclusion to such a touching tale...
Well...as I said...more emotional than constructive - but to be able to evoke emotion in your reader is a priceless quality; a talent - which you evidenly possess :)
I don't think this needs a thing. I've felt this way on more than one occasion at more than one party. Love the line 'far enough away to be alone, but close enough to not feel lonely'-you've caught the feeling exactly right. Great write.
Did you really dedicate this piece to Stolie because it seems that you wrote it for me?.? I adored it. On so many levels. I think I'm still high from prom. *Forgive me for the upcoming bombardment of prom photos that I have yet to load on here lol* I loved this part, "you took my hand in such a natural way and without asking, you danced with me". Why do you do this to me? Write such excellent pieces that are so romantic. LoL I'm such a hopeless romantic. Just beautiful. Definitely another favorite. :) -blt
Oh to be young enough to write this sort of poetry! Oh to to be young enough to write it and get away with it. I have to dig way too deep to find foreign girls. Ina van Oertzen, Anneli Nieminen, Inger-Johanne Danielsen, where are you now, once proud beauties? Snaps back to reality to actually look at the poem! However, if your poem does get me dreaming, then it obviously works. You have captured the gentle allure of a foreign girl ina strange land and you have captured all the egntler aspects of love. Well done. To consider briefly your prosody - I like nearly all of it except your second line. It's that "so-called" epression that gets to me, it's too snide, too much of a petty putdown sort of phrase. It's as if I don't belive that anybody who could be so petty in one line could be so deeply sensitive later on.
It's really sweet of you to dedicate poems to women so often.
you told me you were new to this crowd and that you didn’t fit, that your hair was the wrong color and your eye shadow too subtle to expect any of these visionaries to ever see what you see so clearly
That's how I feel much of the time. I'm too shy and too awkward, but I suppose that's cool in a topsy turvy way.
it didn’t take long for me to realize that a lack of understanding can lead to awakenings, and that yearning (unless suppressed) is the catalyst of all that has ever been discovered (or uncovered)
Those words are very true. It reminds me of a line from E.L. Doctorow's Ragtime: "...the world composes and recompises itself in an endless process of dissatisfaction."
you found me on the cusp of isolation, away from the desolation of millions of happy idiots, laughing at self-effacing jokes that they couldn’t possibly get, lest they revel in irony
You know, people who fit in too well annoy the crap out of me; I guess it's the geek in me. I suppose it's the clinical depression or my love of things that are hopelessly and charmingly morbid, but people that are too happy have the same effect.
bottled-up thoughts of uncapped principles and blended colors so obscure that they meld into all things primary and fundamental
you found me before I ever noticed just how lost I really was
I love the idea of these ideas melding into "all things primary and fundamental." That's how synesthesia feels for me a lot of the time. The last stanza is also really nice. I suppose we all want to be the last piece of the puzzle of someone's life.
i could see that dance stretching off into oblivion. i could feel the rain...i know that i could never really get across how this made me feel, but let me just say that you have my eyes welling...i dont know if perhaps this was the wrong time to be reading this. perhaps it was the right time...i think thats it, the perfect time. Youve got me thinking about the first night i fell in love, about how it felt to stand outside with the smokers, in the cold, not because i smoked but just because...and looking into a pond...yes april last year just comes flooding back, and right now im missing him soo much and i worry about things that reading this was like reading a promise from him to me, or me to hime, either way it speaks for anyone in love...though im sounding like a soppy idiot, but its so beautiful. we're not allowed to just compliment but im breaking the rules this time. I could see everything so clearly, and the line:
"I found you to be everything I could never say to anyone;" reminds me of my favorite author - jonothan safran foer, when he talks about love its always like this, simple and beautiful and true. *snif* i want to go home now but im stuck here for another week...dont think i could cope with reading anything else as fantasticly well written and perfectly worded as this again in the near future, so if i go away and curl up in a self reassuring corner for the next nine days its all your fault for being too damn good...
...you are too damn good
too good not to be letting more people read this, ever thought about putting this out there in an even more 'out there' kinda way? i'd buy it : )
*pulls out paper towels and dries Nikki's bodily fluids off screen*
okay...now that I can read the words you posted...lol
nah seriously this gave me chills and you stole my heart with the last stanza...You...*nods head* you are proof that some men still care, and that some men are not afraid to admit when they have met something special...
glad Nikki reffered me this way.
ps...LOOOOOVE the shirt...li li...why didnt we think of that one???
i have been waiting for a piece like this one...the all encompassing love poem that SINGS!
Do you have ANY idea that THIS is exactly what women desperately want, yearn, and need to hear???
i can offer no suggestions for this, it would be impossible...its not a poem, rather a word for word document that should be handed out to men everywhere as a guide on what to say to your lady...personally for me, and what i feel...this is the epitome of lovely...your best!
(you knew you'd have drooling with this one didnt you??) :)
there is such a beauty and tenderness about this piece... it interests me reading it as i can identify with this (perhaps too much) but in really confusing kinda ways...
officially i am the life of the party and yet im always feeling "far enough away to be alone, but close enough to not feel lonely" ... that feeling that you dont quite fit but we could all pretend you do... that no one really fits but perhaps thats all we have in common - that we dont belong here - so we'll just ignore it and party on... thats not enough for me... im one of those "i wanna be real" ppl and it can be so hard...
i love how promote individuality and finding/knowing oneself in this while mocking the masses - the "everyone" - mocking especially evident in
"millions of happy idiots, laughing at self-effacing jokes that they couldn’t possibly get, lest they revel in irony"
brilliant! couldnt have said it better myself... im quite in love that this isnt all sickenly soppy... when i read the dancing followed by rain i was RELIEVED to see the umbrella and that the dance was bigger than fun... it was somehow eternal... beautiful.
i like the idea of being found before realising your lost... lost is sposed to be scary so if you can be lost and found before you know it theres no time to feel fear...
this is a very beautiful write... i am forever in awe of you.
THese are my favorite type of pieces- a mental snapshot, a moment in time captured and described to me. Read it to me like a story, I want to hear it again. You have invited us into this little soiree in your amazing mind, I was sitting there next to you as you experienced this foreign beauty and all her complexities, you danced with me too. I had this feeling of being caught up- unaware of all the racket around me- the music, the same people you see at every damn party talking about the same damn things, they were just background noise, I even thought I could smell your muse: hints of cardamom, jasmine, and neroli.
I see the women have been lapping this one up. With good reason. This is a tender piece that speaks to the feminine heart. You have noticed things about your muse that women are always dreaming for men to catch.
The only part I wasn't in love with was the second line in describing the music. It just didn't seem to fit the dreamlike quality of the rest of the piece. But that is my only bone to pick out of this cavern of beauty. I have a thing for sensitive men...my husband was raised by his mother and he knows the feminine heart. Thank goodness I didn't have to train him when I got him...hee. Now he is surrounded by women in his own house- me, Savanna, the dog, the frog. He paints a mean pinky toe and he can rustle up a high pony tail faster than any mama around.
bet you painted some pinky toes in your time. -xxxx- R.