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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: On the Brink of Unwelcomedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 888
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1247



    Description:
       I wanted to describe the picture created by a song on a soundtrack I heard, all the different sounds. Anyway, that's how it started, I kinda drifted from the intended subject.

    Hm...even surprises me a bit.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOn the Brink of Unwelcomedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hold your breath...
    we're descending into billows of darkest violet;
    in all its hidden majesty, it cautions us yet.
    A dank mist, an inquisitive palm presses against your cheek,
    a hollow liquid air explores your lungs.
    wary arm extends, hand reaches...
    leads your eye
    to inky black drapes of midnight
    that ripple with a forsaken song,
    wary of you as well
    and daring you to disregard.
    You and I drift with silent caution through a thick and clingy haze
    awakening now and then to soft screeches of the unknown
    gently aware of a wandering specter
    winding, searching, peering around and through...content...
    And another, crooning a drowsy duet,
    drawing out a dreamy shiver in two fleeting dwellers
    of fleeting consciousness
    and modest curiosity.
    Deeper and deeper the darkness,
    more freely we melt into it.
    ...wait...don't leave...
    A wide-eyed, searching touch
    one last human grasp
    a plea...
    carry me once again back through the mists
    should I lose myself
    in twilight crypts.







    Submitted on 2005-05-10 20:15:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "and daring you to disregard."

    I always enjoy lines that you write like this one. They seem to always go overlooked but are infinitely important, regardless.

    I'll have to say this one is quite enigmatic, and perplexing. The mist is probably the most interesting theme about it, in my opinion. I also really enjoyed the closure and the metaphor behind the 'crypts'. It makes me think about the whole "burying your family in crypts together" and how it's a tradition that place so much emphasis on the importance of what family you are born into and what your future should be like and how you should act according to your birth. I believe that philosophy is still a big source of conflict in the world today, with so many people taking pride in something they had no control over, and forcing it out upon other people. You are what you are, but that doesn't mean you can't become what you weren't meant to be. To me... being lost in twilight crypts is signifying that you are in darkness, and cannot find your way through the monotony. But when I think of crypts I think of mist as well. So perhaps, whatever this mist is to you, is a crypt to someone else near you.

    "one last human grasp"

    This line is interesting too, as if it's stating that you won't be human anymore once you lose this thing you are begging not to leave. So perhaps you are waking up from a dream where you had this thing you desired but now you are in reality and it's not longer there anymore, and the only thing you want to be real... that you feel is real... is that dream where your life is lived in the moment and you are truly happy. Perhaps you feel that in your dream you are the closest to your real self, the self you want to be at least, than you are in the material world.

    I cannot figure out the wandering spectre though, I have ideas but I'm not really sure about any of them. Perhaps you can explain it to me sometime.

    As far as criticsm goes... it's hard because taking anything out of this piece is basically crumbling it's foundation. I'd say that sometimes you drift off into explanations and details and that kinda detracts from your flow, but those details are also very important and I've noticed that is your style and I wouldn't want to crumble that. Perhaps you could find a way to flow some of the descriptions into the piece more instead of pausing as if you are pondering the thought in your head and then trying to explain it more thoroughly. Just as if you are watching a flower bloom and detailing the details of it's birth and evolution, instead of throwing in random petals of info here and there. Personally, I truthfully still enjoyed it to a very high maximum, and I wouldn't want to change anything unless it's something you realized you didn't like as well. Thanks for writing and also for posting. Look forward to your next.

    I had to write this rather quickly, btw, so I'm sorry for mispronounciations or the like. Take care.

    -MK
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]


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    58273

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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