Our Fall
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My first ever attempt - be honest, and if I messed it up somewhere, please tell :)
Our Fall
Leaf fingers clutching Slippery memory banks... Withering hearts drift |
Submitted on 2005-05-10 22:12:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| You know, i really just wanted to leave Cummings' 'leaf poem' in response to this, silly elite wouldn't let me. Silly, silly elite. l(a le af fa ll s) one l iness *while we're on the subject of Cummings* sorry to be so weird :) see you later K. kc | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ] | well there seems to be little to add in this section as much of it has been said already. | there are rules that have to be followed when tackling a haiku, and i find rules in general a little restrcting. but it does offer an opportunity to access people because they know the perameters within which you work and consequently offer something that really reach people. so we know that every last word is of utmost importance. i happen to think that it does not matter if you write ten squillion words or three, that every word is of utmost importance, but i guess you will be found out more in a piece this short. we also know of the stipulations regarding meter, and so these things do not really need to be addressed too much. one thing i do have to offer is the link that should be evident from line one to two and then from line two to three, as well as the overall composition ultimately making sense or carrying a message of some kind. i would say that this is a fault that i possibly could pick out; that the relationship between lines two and three is a little tenuous. i can not quite capture the essence of what you are saying and i think you need to relate the two lines more effectively. there is no room in these fomrs for hiding or not making things crystal. they are demanding little [censored]s, and i am by no means an expert. i think that the extrapolation in the second line further distances the relationship between the two lines and thus would be better without. as for your diction, well it effective in that you offer us something to think about and you give it enough depth not to be: my name is malcolm i like fizzy sour sweets and dad thinks im gay. so you give us enough, and there has to be enough. there has to be depth adn perhaps a little room for interpretation because why else would we bother with the form. and that is the problem i have with the form: you could turn this into a poem and you could give specifics and details and you could pull on some emotional strings and you could use all manner of devices; but not really in 17 syllables. and that is not your fault. its them lazy chinese people. [send all letters of complaint to No1giv35afukdotc0m] take care katia on1eday.co.uk [and guess what, i found the comment after all and did not have to re-write it. that is why you are reading it and not not reading it.] | Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ] | Im so green eyed.....I honestly cannot get into the hiaku thing ...But i do enjoy reading them ...And as far as they go ...This one was great ...Very pretty and very authentic ....Well Done | | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ] | Well done. This is most impressive, and in the traditional sense, no western 'ego' inserted. You could put a whole book of these together and people would claw at each other in line to get it. I certainly hope to see more haiku from you. You could post them, i could paste them...print them off, staple them together. Or i could just buy it at the store (will you sign it please). | *sleep-deprived-delirious-rambling* 'nuff for now, later, kc | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ] | This has to be the best haiku that I have ever read! You modest lil thang you! You got me beat on this type of poetry. I can not accomplish a haiku. Not enough space for me to truly say what I gotta say! | Very beautifully done. Honestly! Li Li | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ] | wow, apparently the last three people who commented on this had no idea it was a haiku. that's frightening! this is a most impressive first attempt...it would be impressive if it were your 375th attempt. the mixture of nature and the individual is so strong that this poem is very full with hidden imagery. flippin sweet ;) | | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ] | Well, that was somehow really really interesting! I have read one of your poems before, I think it was called "Come fly with me", and I found it to be a very good, interesting read, and I said that I will read more of your poems to judge better and here I am fulfilling my promise! | And now let me talk about what you wrote; I think that you proved to me by writing this that anything can happen! I mean that I read a poem few days ago -don't remember the name- and it was about four lines! And I said that it was the shortest poem ever and the shortest writing ever! And of course I was wrong! And here you are today proving that I was wrong and that there can be even shorter one consisting od three lines! And that makes me believe that tomorrow I might read a two lines poem on this site! Or may may be a one line poem! Who knows! I must say that the idea was smart, and I am talking about the idea of writing such a small thing! It's a new experience, and I like that. I don't agree with those who suggested a change in the words used, like "clutching", I think it is beautiful as it is and any change might cause an undesired result! But still you can do the experiment and judge! I really like the image created through those three simple lines, it was sincere, peaceful and of course beautiful. "Leaf fingers clutching Slippery memory banks... Withering hearts drift" I liked it when you said "Slippery memory banks", and that was my favorite line in the three of them, because I totally felt it and this image in particular is so well constructed. Eventhough it was very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very short BUT it contained so much much emotions that was presented in a very simple and sincere way! Anyway I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up. | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ] | My suggestions would be to replace clutching with something more delicate and for the ellipses to be placed on the third stanza if you do not feel like separating it from the first two lines. Or maybe you could separate all three of them from each other. | Feel free to experiment. I’m sure it’ll be fine. The good thing about this piece is that it’s not rigid. It allows its readers to explore its true potential individually… giving us the power to make it ours momentarily. Keep writing. | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] | "Our Fall" contains some great imagery, but it's a bit vague, and brings up more questions than answers. Perhaps it's personal preference, but I like having "Ah-ha!" moments when reading poetry. | Then again, I'm a complete newbie to poetry, and have only read a handful of haikus. So take all of this with a grain of salt. ...I highly enjoy this piece! Cheers. | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by HelloTrip | [ Reply to This ] | OK, it's a river scene, and beautifully hidden in this excellent haiku. The tree, the bank, the drifting hearts, did you really mean it like that, or is it my over-heated imagination? Maybe it's the "leaf fingers" (like how could they hold anything tightly) trying to hold the memories of a love now heading downstream? | You see how you can evoke such incredible thought processes with three short lines? Therein lies the beauty of the haiku. Enjoy your new-found power. Abuse it not. Bad vibes befall you will (sorry, bin watchin star wars 11) Excellent Be Happy Graeme | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ] | This is nicely done for a first haiku, but there are always things that you can work on. I want to start by saying that even though everyone traditionally says that a haiku must be 5-7-5 syllable-wise, if you're one off in some of the lines, sometimes that can work nicely. So you can take that as a future tip. | In the actual haiku, I would say that whether or not it was on purpose, there is some definite tree imagery happening here. This can be considered a good thing, since haiku's are also traditionally about some form of nature. That's not to say that it has to be about nature, but rather that that is what tradition dictates. The other thing about your haiku is that you don't really have any flow in this one. It feels a lot like you forced out three different lines that remotely related because you had decided that you wanted to write your first haiku. I'm not necessarily saying that that is a bad thing, mind you, since haiku's can be a lot of fun to write, but rather I'm trying to say that when you're inspired to write a haiku, just let the words flow out of you and take shape on the page. Trust me when I say that not only will it be a lot easier to write, but it will be a lot nicer to read, and a lot easier to edit if/when you decide to go back and do some editing. I truly hope that you decide to write some more haiku's, and enjoy experimenting around. I always enjoy trying to write a new form of poetry, even if I always seem to come back to the basic root in freeverse. Have fun writing. ~Zylle | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ] | This is a pretty interesting haiku due to the play on words that were either deliberate or accidental. Leaf fingers, withering hearts drift and memory banks reminds me of a tree. Not exactly sure why, but I'm not usually a big fan of haikus because I rarely get the meaning. They seem to leave something out for me, but I enjoyed this one. | Take care, Rob | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Me Rambling | [ Reply to This ] | First Haiku eh? Well don't make it your last. It's great. Fall iimpresses upon us the beauty, but also the decay of love and seasons. You interlace artfully the leaf as it slipps out of you grasp and into the river drifting away. While some metaphores only as a whole reveal their double meaning, you go further, and where some ppl attempt you, an incipient poet, have succeeded in that each of your words extend to both the image and its analogue. Banks: the banks of memory, but also the river banks, or dirft: hearts drifting apart just as the leavaes drift away. clutching, slippery, withering all connect each other to form the same harmonious yet mournful song of disappearance. In a few lines you've encompassed a season and pangs of past loves. Really touching. Thanks. :) Peace | Raz | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ] | You worked the 5-7-5 well, you also worked well the idea that every verse should be able to stand on its own, with its own complete image and meaning, yet the 3 images fit together. | That is about it but I guess this is called senryu, for haikus are about nature. senryus are about people and the formats are the same. I m not 100% sure though. But this is nice the way you compared your relationship to the fall. Maybe after all it is a haiku, fall is part of nature lol. anyhow I m not an expert in the type, I wrote just one and not long ago. They are not that easy to come up with anyway. Good job Katia, Viviane | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ] | Leaf fingers clutching | Slippery memory banks... Withering hearts drift This plays a series of moments through my mind.. Hands grasping for some sort of hold.. sliding down a creek bank from too much contact with a memory.. As two paper hearts on fire drift down to the water below.. Very beautiful. I havent any inkling as to what type of form this is.. But i often try to write shorter pieces.. And this blows anything i can imagine out of the water.. Bravo! Thanks for the thoughts. Ratio Mice Ducet III | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ] | |
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