Where were you? by shabnam

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Submission Name: Where were you? dots

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Author:	shabnam
ASL Info:	23 f Germany
Elite Ratio:	4.35 - 322/248/45
Words:	72

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	344
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	448

Description:
These are some questions I would love to ask a person. Since I couldn't ask him I made a poem out of my questions.
Just tell what you think of it.

Where were you? dots

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When the golden summer of my life was fainting
Every flower waiting to be rescued from fading
Green clothed leafs being cut from root
Lying wounded on the ground, so unsmooth

The once so beautiful trees standing bare
Sitting in your crystal palace, you didn’t care
Watching the funeral of my hopes passing by
Where were you
when the red roses of my life garden said good bye

Submitted on 2005-05-11 08:40:12 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is such a sad poem and very well written and expressed! It is filled with heartbreak and wonderful descriptions add so much to this write. I like the words you have chosen to describe your feelings and relate your sadness to the once beautiful summer fading into the bare winter. So sad when a love fades and nothing is left but heartache and questions. Very good poem! Take care!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-10-05 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you did a beautiful job with this piece sanam. You were terse and yet you got your message across quite well. The words 'funeral of my hopes' were brilliant and sad as they are they're discriptiveness is great. If I were to make any suggestions at all it would be one word, 1st stanza last word 'fainting'. I would discribe the end of my golden summer as 'abating' but it is such a small thing that you should probably pay no attention to me. Lovely work! Dan
| Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
  Do not know what to say, Mr Yousef , has said everything. Your poem is amazing and it touches me very deep and you know why. Your poem deserves to be one of my favourites. Your poems always going like this easy way to the readers mind and says what you hide into your mind. Thanks for sharing your poems with us my dear friend.
With Much Love,
Khaled.
| Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by Khaled AbdAllah | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry for commenting twice on this poem but I just forgot to tell you a very important thing!

I wanted to tell you that; this poem is a very good one and it's title is very well chosen too "Where Were You", BUT don't you think that a question mark is missing here?! And may be an exclamation mark too! I think it should be "Where were you?!"!

Anyway, sorry again for commenting twice!
| Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
  I think it has been a long time since I last commented on one of your poems! And I apologize for that! But I promise you that I'll keep an eye from now on to watch out for your new posts! And of course feel free to tell me whenever you write something new.

I think that this was a simple beautiful poem, I felt as if you were pouring some emotions out! And that is one of the best ways to write poetry, may be even the best way to write poetry!

The poem was very very short, only two stanzas, only eight lines! But still being short contributes in it's simplicity!

About the flow and ryhme, I think it was good eventhough I think that the last line in the poem is too long! I think if you break it up it would be much better!

I know that you followed the simple rhyme AA, BB, CC, DD and if you broke the last line in to two it wouldn't be DD but I still think it would have been better!

I think that the best thing in this poem is the very beautiful images created, like saying;

"Every flower waiting to be rescued from fading", and that was a very beautiful image "Waiting to be rescued", well done! And also the line saying;

"Watching the funeral of my hopes passing by", and that was another very good image, well constructed too.

I am going to post a poem in the next few days and it includes the same words "Where were you?!", it discussing a similar topic too! I hope you will be able to read it and tell me what do you think!

Anyway, I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and as usual I end my commnet by wishing you the best of luck and keep it up.

| Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this one. It complels me to rush to your side.

the quote 'Watching the funeral of my hopes passing by
Where were you when the red roses of my life garden said good bye'

It is a sad ending when nobody replies to the question.
| Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Unicrom | [ Reply to This ]
  Hee hee I have a cousin named Shabnam. ;)

Anyway this was beautiful and haunting..
Such a sad message..but conveyed in such an ethereal way, very dreamy in a way..

It's a bit choppy in some places though.
'Green clothed' hmm I think you could use a better word there. Maybe something like 'shivering leaves'? green seems a bit drab considering the rest of your imagery and metaphor. just a suggestion

'tress' should be trees

'Watching the funeral of my hopes passing by'

WOW. what a line, what a line...

and what a selfish ass hole. what a meanie. Yeah, where was he??? ah well, you don't need such a meanie. There are much more lovelier fish in the sea.. ;)

oh and I think you should remove the excessive exclamation marks from the title. It detracts from the beauty of your piece. I think just,
'where were you?' would do fine.

thanks for the read.

alexis
| Posted on 2005-06-16 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
  this was beautiful. The comparison's you used here were above and beyond! You really touched my heart in this one. Probably because I can relate to the whole thing. Those you want the most are never there when you need them the most. You hold onto all the strength you have (every petal) and eventually have to let go.

Favorite!

Li Li
| Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]

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