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    dots Submission Name: Submergeddots

    Author: runaway_poet
    ASL Info:    21/m/limbo
    Elite Ratio:    6.2 - 42/41/21
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 822
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1208


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    Tormented angel thrown afar
    A cast away, degraded and covered with tar

    Hide away fade away
    The pain will come and forever stay

    Winter gone summer born
    Soul is gone, heart is worn

    Now fallen from grace, upon the ground alone, shattered
    A faceless man now broken, battered

    Redemption a distant dream
    Sorrow inside will rule supreme

    Hope has become a far away call
    Filled with nothing as the body starts to fall

    All things cherished that once glowed gold
    Now become rusted that is oh so cold

    In search of solace, to clear the mind
    Hidden in shadow so far behind

    So full of pain, trying to sedate
    Locked inside this rusty crate

    Sinking into the abysmal waste
    Filling with regret thats a familiar taste

    Drowning ,sinking theres no one around
    Screaming is useless it makes no sound

    Waiting for the end, all alone
    Darkness overwhelms, embracing the unknown

    Forgotten everything thats been said
    Nothing to be done everythings dead

    Submitted on 2005-05-11 13:01:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I'm not a particular fan of this form of peotry, although I've written like this myself. It's good, though, for expressing this kind of feeling. It looks like a lot of smaller ideas, nothing linked, just things that pop into your head, which is good when talking about pain. Pain is something really abstract and hard to capture in words. It's good how you portrayed some of it's effects throughout this work.

    There are some of these small stanzas that to me don't really seem to fit. For example, this one:
    "Hide away fade away
    The pain will come and forever stay"

    I have a particular problem with the second line, it seems too simple for this poem. Moreover, it doesn't really fit the content, presuming you've written this poem because you already feel pain, so technically it's already there, which gives this line the air of being thrown in just so something would. Why not repace it with "The broken soul of yesterday" or "Melted by the sun now grey?" :P Ok I'm getting ahead of myself. Replace it or not, it's your choice. It's just little details like this and others like typos or lack of comas(I'm obsessed with comas) that can ruin the general neat aspect of a poem.

    It also seemed the :

    "Redemption a distant dream
    Sorrow inside will rule supreme"
    stanza didn't fit as well with the others. Jyust remarks, though.
    I like the general impression.



    ps: Sorry for being so insensitive and talking about comas and rhymes on a poem like this one. I'm sorry you feel pain and can really relate to what you say, but poems you write when you're upset can become masterpieces because they're so powerful. So why not give your best shot?

    Hope you'll feel better soon.
    | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Angie444 | [ Reply to This ]

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