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Submission Name: Submerged dots

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Author:	runaway_poet
ASL Info:	21/m/limbo
Elite Ratio:	6.2 - 42/41/21
Words:	181

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	822
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1208

Description:

Submerged dots

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Tormented angel thrown afar
A cast away, degraded and covered with tar

Hide away fade away
The pain will come and forever stay

Winter gone summer born
Soul is gone, heart is worn

Now fallen from grace, upon the ground alone, shattered
A faceless man now broken, battered

Redemption a distant dream
Sorrow inside will rule supreme

Hope has become a far away call
Filled with nothing as the body starts to fall

All things cherished that once glowed gold
Now become rusted that is oh so cold

In search of solace, to clear the mind
Hidden in shadow so far behind

So full of pain, trying to sedate
Locked inside this rusty crate

Sinking into the abysmal waste
Filling with regret thats a familiar taste

Drowning ,sinking theres no one around
Screaming is useless it makes no sound

Waiting for the end, all alone
Darkness overwhelms, embracing the unknown

Forgotten everything thats been said
Nothing to be done everythings dead

Submitted on 2005-05-11 13:01:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Well, I'm not a particular fan of this form of peotry, although I've written like this myself. It's good, though, for expressing this kind of feeling. It looks like a lot of smaller ideas, nothing linked, just things that pop into your head, which is good when talking about pain. Pain is something really abstract and hard to capture in words. It's good how you portrayed some of it's effects throughout this work.

There are some of these small stanzas that to me don't really seem to fit. For example, this one:
"Hide away fade away
The pain will come and forever stay"

I have a particular problem with the second line, it seems too simple for this poem. Moreover, it doesn't really fit the content, presuming you've written this poem because you already feel pain, so technically it's already there, which gives this line the air of being thrown in just so something would. Why not repace it with "The broken soul of yesterday" or "Melted by the sun now grey?" :P Ok I'm getting ahead of myself. Replace it or not, it's your choice. It's just little details like this and others like typos or lack of comas(I'm obsessed with comas) that can ruin the general neat aspect of a poem.

It also seemed the :

"Redemption a distant dream
Sorrow inside will rule supreme"
stanza didn't fit as well with the others. Jyust remarks, though.
I like the general impression.

Joy

Angie

ps: Sorry for being so insensitive and talking about comas and rhymes on a poem like this one. I'm sorry you feel pain and can really relate to what you say, but poems you write when you're upset can become masterpieces because they're so powerful. So why not give your best shot?

Hope you'll feel better soon.
| Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Angie444 | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.