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Tormented angel thrown afar
A cast away, degraded and covered with tar
Hide away fade away
The pain will come and forever stay
Winter gone summer born
Soul is gone, heart is worn
Now fallen from grace, upon the ground alone, shattered
A faceless man now broken, battered
Redemption a distant dream
Sorrow inside will rule supreme
Hope has become a far away call
Filled with nothing as the body starts to fall
All things cherished that once glowed gold
Now become rusted that is oh so cold
In search of solace, to clear the mind
Hidden in shadow so far behind
So full of pain, trying to sedate
Locked inside this rusty crate
Sinking into the abysmal waste
Filling with regret thats a familiar taste
Drowning ,sinking theres no one around
Screaming is useless it makes no sound
Waiting for the end, all alone
Darkness overwhelms, embracing the unknown
Forgotten everything thats been said
Nothing to be done everythings dead
| Well, I'm not a particular fan of this form of peotry, although I've written like this myself. It's good, though, for expressing this kind of feeling. It looks like a lot of smaller ideas, nothing linked, just things that pop into your head, which is good when talking about pain. Pain is something really abstract and hard to capture in words. It's good how you portrayed some of it's effects throughout this work. |
There are some of these small stanzas that to me don't really seem to fit. For example, this one:
"Hide away fade away
The pain will come and forever stay"
I have a particular problem with the second line, it seems too simple for this poem. Moreover, it doesn't really fit the content, presuming you've written this poem because you already feel pain, so technically it's already there, which gives this line the air of being thrown in just so something would. Why not repace it with "The broken soul of yesterday" or "Melted by the sun now grey?" :P Ok I'm getting ahead of myself. Replace it or not, it's your choice. It's just little details like this and others like typos or lack of comas(I'm obsessed with comas) that can ruin the general neat aspect of a poem.
It also seemed the :
"Redemption a distant dream
Sorrow inside will rule supreme"
stanza didn't fit as well with the others. Jyust remarks, though.
I like the general impression.
ps: Sorry for being so insensitive and talking about comas and rhymes on a poem like this one. I'm sorry you feel pain and can really relate to what you say, but poems you write when you're upset can become masterpieces because they're so powerful. So why not give your best shot?
Hope you'll feel better soon.
|| Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Angie444 | [ Reply to This ] |