Submerged
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Description:
Submerged
Tormented angel thrown afar A cast away, degraded and covered with tar Hide away fade away The pain will come and forever stay Winter gone summer born Soul is gone, heart is worn Now fallen from grace, upon the ground alone, shattered A faceless man now broken, battered Redemption a distant dream Sorrow inside will rule supreme Hope has become a far away call Filled with nothing as the body starts to fall All things cherished that once glowed gold Now become rusted that is oh so cold In search of solace, to clear the mind Hidden in shadow so far behind So full of pain, trying to sedate Locked inside this rusty crate Sinking into the abysmal waste Filling with regret thats a familiar taste Drowning ,sinking theres no one around Screaming is useless it makes no sound Waiting for the end, all alone Darkness overwhelms, embracing the unknown Forgotten everything thats been said Nothing to be done everythings dead |
Submitted on 2005-05-11 13:01:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| Well, I'm not a particular fan of this form of peotry, although I've written like this myself. It's good, though, for expressing this kind of feeling. It looks like a lot of smaller ideas, nothing linked, just things that pop into your head, which is good when talking about pain. Pain is something really abstract and hard to capture in words. It's good how you portrayed some of it's effects throughout this work. There are some of these small stanzas that to me don't really seem to fit. For example, this one: "Hide away fade away The pain will come and forever stay" I have a particular problem with the second line, it seems too simple for this poem. Moreover, it doesn't really fit the content, presuming you've written this poem because you already feel pain, so technically it's already there, which gives this line the air of being thrown in just so something would. Why not repace it with "The broken soul of yesterday" or "Melted by the sun now grey?" :P Ok I'm getting ahead of myself. Replace it or not, it's your choice. It's just little details like this and others like typos or lack of comas(I'm obsessed with comas) that can ruin the general neat aspect of a poem. It also seemed the : "Redemption a distant dream Sorrow inside will rule supreme" stanza didn't fit as well with the others. Jyust remarks, though. I like the general impression. Joy Angie ps: Sorry for being so insensitive and talking about comas and rhymes on a poem like this one. I'm sorry you feel pain and can really relate to what you say, but poems you write when you're upset can become masterpieces because they're so powerful. So why not give your best shot? Hope you'll feel better soon. | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Angie444 | [ Reply to This ] | |
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