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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Starfish a Train and a Stormdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 283
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 2046
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1985



    Description:
       Did you know a starfish can turn its stomach inside out?







    Now you do


    ellisa


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Starfish a Train and a Stormdots
    -------------------------------------------


    We found-
    Stripped down
    Paint, and watered
    Turpentine summer-bleach sun
    That left us naked and cracking
    Pulling away at the seams.
    Why were we so tightly sewn
    Right back at the The Begining?
    We scraped paper from our
    Supporting walls,
    Cleaning up internally,
    Starting out,
    Filling the plaster where it cracked.
    Letting the sopping dark
    wet-brown paper pieces fall
    to stick to the sides of your paste filled sink
    and finding somebody else’s blue paint
    beneath the nobody-white.
    We worked hard, long into those last nights.

    We lost out again,
    We left some empty rooms.
    You crammed your things
    Into some smaller place, alone
    we went our separate ways.

    “i'm sorry i should never have kissed you”
    Having taken my five legs,
    Crossing myself,
    Hoping to die,
    Turning my stomach
    Inside out.
    Sick on my own
    I should never have kissed you…back.

    Like smooth train tracks,
    Guided, I could go fast
    Without fear of collision,
    Till I hit that phone ringing
    Out of my sleep-
    I fell waking and knowing
    That this wasn’t what we’d written on the cards,
    This was more than one leaf on my track.


    We found-
    Like a summer thunderstorm
    We came back stronger
    Bolts brighter
    Sheet lightening as
    Denim strains, you holding me softly
    Stripping me gently
    As I dreamt you might do.
    Pulling your shirt from your shoulders
    I’m thinking
    This is it
    After all of the anguish and stamping
    Out of old flames like fire
    This is it
    From here on in
    Me holding your shirt in my hands
    Like an offering
    Humble before you
    You wet on my lips
    This is it





    Submitted on 2005-05-11 18:08:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      oooh..i really loved this...i even read it aloud. reminds me of a first time with a new found lover, of unknown love or love almost lost. what i liked best was, it doesn't feel juvenille, it has this grown up love feeling to it, like these people aren't new to the game, maybe not even new to each other but there are new found feelings between them.
    i think this is great and i feel attached to it because of my own personal memories so you have succeeded in creating something universal. yet it still has the feeling of having a few inside jokes...certain phrasing like..
    we lost out again
    i thought that to be interesting because it we seem the obvious choice of words to be
    we lost ourselves again.
    or we lost out on love again.
    but it seems a specific choice of words the whole way through...so i have to believe there is a reason for that.
    only a few things.....
    sewn, not sown.

    and...

    i think it would read as it should if you added some .......
    in certain places.

    like....

    I fell.....
    waking and knowing
    or just seperate the words that way, i dunno. thats how it read to me.
    but great job.....i felt this the whole way through.

    CC
    | Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      I have mixed feeling on this one honestly. I really like the first part up until right here" We lost out again," Here you disregaurded the rhyme and assonance I enjoy so much; the line breakup change as did the feel of the piece. I felt a bit like I was on a train as I was hurried along through the rest of the poem. And in my hurry I seem to have lost my belongings my detail, my rhyme, my individuality. I think that this could all be condensed down to one larger stanza sort of mirroring the first; you could say so much more about his touch and the absence of it. I'd just like to see more of you shine through this. there are some sparkling line; easy to find crystal, in this piece "Me holding your shirt in my hands
    Like an offering
    Humble before you
    You wet on my lips
    This is it"

    The part of old flames pertains but is a bit clichéd trains and love I've also heard compared quite often. P.s. I like your acrostic; not the ending though. Oh well peace
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      anyone who has never loved, lost and regained could probably not understand this piece, and maybe never really appreciate the one they are with. Your images and metaphors are bright and original as they always are...

    one slight thing, I think begining should be beginning (or maybe I'm wrong, it looks silly)

    Your last stanza is very sensual and beautiful. The only thing more exciting than the clothes stripped off your lover is the naked body itself...

    I love the line "I should never have kissed you…back"

    and the whole starfish thing with the five legs and the inside out stomach was very clever...

    I'm not sure if you're starting to write a little more clearly or if I'm beginning to understand you better (or if I'm just way off altogether) but I am always left somewhat agape at your use of metaphors and your chic style and that's a good thing.
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Another wonderful piece you have here.
    Really nice work.
    You have a couple of spelling errors in there that I think I may have spotted, but who the hell am I to talk? My spelling is, and probably always will be awful.
    I love the desperate, crash-course feeling this poem has to it.
    You paint the images so vividly I can almost taste that storm in the back of my throat.
    I especially liked the stanza on the train in the middle, I think it added a whole other dimension to the poem.
    You write so richly, and with such originality, to be honest I find it a little intimidating :D
    I strive to achieve the kind of half-surreal, too-true metaphors that you seem to achieve so naturally.
    I adored the lines "watered Turpentine summer-bleach sun" and "finding somebody else’s blue paint beneath the nobody-white".
    "nobody-white" was just such a nice way of putting it.
    You missed a capital letter or two and you could do with some more punctuation in there, like, let's take that line I just quoted at you:
    "watered Turpentine summer-bleach sun"
    That would make a lot more sense a lot quicker if it was written as:
    "watered-Turpentine, summer-bleach sun"
    It would just make it easier on the eyes. :)
    Aside from those tiny points, this is probably my favourite out of everything I've read of yours so far.
    Beautiful work, I'm so interested to see what you do next!
    Kindest regards,
    ShatteredRoses
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ]
      Goodness, I'm not sure I want to be the first to review this, but, well, here I am. Someone else's comment might help me. I'm not at all sure that I understood it - I think I did, but I'm not sure. I think you fell in love with someone, you broke up for a time and you came back together and then came to understand each other, or at least, you understood the nature of your relationship. Does that about sum it up? Now, my putting it like that takes all the romance out of it, and your poem was full of romance. It was beautifully written, if somewhat abstract. I'm afraid my comment won't be particularly useful to you because it's hard to constructively critique a piece you aren't sure you understand. Sorry. I enjoyed reading this if for no other reason than to read the lovely and intriguing way you've put it all together. mae
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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