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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Alonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Destined
    ASL Info:    17/f/wisconsin
    Elite Ratio:    5.29 - 86/68/17
    Words: 151
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 333
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 829



    Description:
       This is such an old poem that I wrote, I want to see what the feedback of it will say. AGAIN, I WROTE THIS A LONG TIME AGO... I don't write that much like it now. But still, feedback?

    (this has been updated)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAlonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Those who cannot see, can not seek.
    Those who cannot hear, can not listen.
    Walking alone and aimlessly in a world where only I seek what is lost, only I can hear which others can not.
    Alone, I watch these faceless beings and see beyond into the hands of fate, knowing every move before it’s even done.
    And alone, I can hear each thought running though each head and know the truth behind it all.
    Forever walking alone in this world, I wait to find someone like myself.
    Someone who seek what others cannot and hear what others think but, I know in my heart, I’m forever alone.
    However, in the dim light of a candle, I see a being with eyes the shine like mine but, like always, the wind blows out the candle and I’m forced to continue to walk alone in a world of faceless beings.




    Submitted on 2005-05-11 19:11:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      My kind of poetry, believe it or not. I understand and feel this to. Your a pretty good eritter id say. real and deep. these words you used in this poem show you have an open mind and a good view of whats going on in this world or life.
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by jermwerm | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. it's definetly not that 'Oh, they don't care about me, I'm going to kill myself' stereotype poem. but there are a few things that bother me. why do you write 'cannot' sometimes together, sometimes not?? any special thought behind that, did I miss something?? then your grammar. you should re-read it and correct it. for example after 'Someone who...' there should be 'seeks' and not 'seek'. but that's nothing that couldn't be fixed easily.
    for the style I wished you had brought in more diversity (you repeated a lot of words like someone etc.). and that you had shown me your feelings instead of telling them. okay, you feel alone, I got that. but you didn't make me feel with you. you should work on that a bit more. but I really like that you didn't follow the rest and wrote a pretty original piece.
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      that is awesome nanana, i loved the way you mixed things all together and the flow of the poem is awesome, but there are a few places where you forgot to add letters like "I know in my hear" need the t and there are like three other of those but other then that is it fine. and i loved the lines
    "However, in the dim light of a candle, I see a being with eyes the shine like mine but, like always, the wind blows out the candle and I’m forced to continue to walk alone in a world of faceless beings." because some times we all feel like know one thinks how we think
    and the lines "Alone, I watch these faceless beings and see beyond into the hands of fate" faceless beings reminds me of aliens, i don't know why but it did.
    I loved the poem nanana
    ~liz~
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
      just put dark faceless beings at the end. once u blow out a candle, it is dark, not just faceless. but other then that, thats all the bad feedback. i like the idea of hearing what others cannot and seeing what others so not. it was a good concept even if it was written a long time ago, u were very wise in thinking. very wise. u already have the grasp of kindness. and that my friend is a virtue of this abused world.

    ~Cat~
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by dancer06 | [ Reply to This ]



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