i'm not really an expert of haikus but from what i remember, the haikus i've read in school were about nature... you know, the river, the trees, etc. so this one's really different and refreshing. the zzzzzzzz was unexpectedly cute and funny. i can almost hear the words being told by a swaggering and erudite man until his narcolepsy knocks him down. it's cool.
I'm so glad you attempted a haiku ~ perhaps u will get the comment that "IT" has X thing 2 do about nature. Be prepared to reiterate the ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ the most common nature of us ALL! I'm getting ready 4 AudioSlave concert & 'i' posted Madagascar Hat Theory Deux if u care 2 check "IT", 1, 2,,1,2,,mike check! he he he U make me laugh & 4 that 'i' toast 2 u this coctail in my hand~!
What a hilarious haiku (bless u) that goes from intense stimulation to *snore, snore, snore*. Almost like...now I hope I dont get kicked down for my thought here by you or anyone else...but, "pre/during/post" masturbation rituals or sex and "before/after" sex deal, ya know? The immense emotions that stimulate you and then lead you to want to go to sleep because you have satisfied YOUR needs and really dont care about your partners needs. Thats just what I got out of it. Anyway, have a good one and keep writin.
I duuno, Cj, I reckon you got the narcolepsy right, it's a sleeping disease, right? So, in the midst of all that good action...zzzzz. Well done, just too many zzzzz to sit on the page. Glad to see another with the haiku bug! Be Happy Graeme
The only problem with this as Haiku is its length. You have great alliteration in the first two lines, with delightful word choices, giving the huge pictures in so few words, as Haiku ought to do, but then, while I see the humour, it falls flat at the end. If you found a way to deliver your punchline without making it throw the poem off, I think it would work better. It's a good idea, though. I appreciate the inspiration behind it, even if I can't entirely give laurels to the delivery.
must not really have been so scintillating! but I had to comment since no one else has! I too do not generally care to bother writing haikus but I have gone there once or twice-I guess we all have to once in awhile! this one is rather amusing I think. sometimes after reading alot of really bad poetry...zzzzzzzzzz! (not yours though!)
OKay...i like the words, the feeling...i'm not really a haiku person either.....but i think the ZZZZ's ruin it. I would put something like.. leads me into a restful bliss or something like...ya know that suggests sleep but isn't your infamous ZZZ's ya little freak. ya know i luv ya. i'm watching you now..... do a little dance for me baby. :P