Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Jellyfish Bonesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1244
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1425



    Description:
       sorry to submit again so soon...but Dead, if you do read this then thanks, this is the thing that was sparked off by the message i sent you after reading the comment you left me, if that makes sense. I should have let it brew for a while...but right now i think sushi is the dish of the day.


    much love

    ellisa


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJellyfish Bonesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You go, taking with you
    All the certainty I can crush
    Into a weekend visit.

    If I go back now,
    If I turn around and ask you,
    To come home-
    Forget the books,
    Just one more night
    Before you go?

    Im snapping my jellyfish legs,
    Tying them to your promises;
    And watching them stretch out
    And finally stop stretching.
    With all the discomfort of eggshells
    Gritted in my teeth,
    I heard you tell me you have to go.

    The last long haul
    Brings up all the dirt
    From our forgotten depths.
    All the things I tried to hide,
    My uncertainties glimmer on the net
    Wet and hopeless.
    And here I am,
    Harpoon in-hand
    Trying to kill my faults
    Before you see.
    Trying to stop them before they reach you,
    But paralysed,
    You look so distanced,
    A frozen face, a world away from me.
    Held head-in-vice by horror, I realise;
    As I stand dying
    With those shining pieces
    Sliding down my skin.

    My cold, blue blood
    Wont stop spinning,
    Wet from my elbows.
    Like water does,
    When you look down in the shower.
    Now Im breathing, sharp, on your shoulder,
    With self-pity and sorrys,
    That just wont
    Make things better.





    Submitted on 2005-05-12 13:35:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Excellent Ellisa.

    The first read through revealed that the line breaks and varying stanza lengths were very fitting to what you were saying. Its as though i can hear you reading it aloud. No mistaking your tone or tempo. That's why the ending actually seems to fit very well for me (lol-K.). The beginning stanzas gradually become longer until the final stanza turns and sinks downward-dragging the reader along with you.

    I guess the most outstanding impression this poem makes on me is that i can really empathize with you in it. There is a sort of emotional verity to it, that is entirely your own, yet involves the reader in an intensely personal way.

    As others have mentioned, your imagery is compelling in this poem, especially the image of blood spinning from your elbows...that reference caught me off guard, and struck me as wholly original.

    Dark, passionate, depressed, longing, angst-laden...this poem defies categorization.

    Outstanding and deeply moving effort here.
    Definitely a favorite.
    thank you, kc
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, as you once said to me, let's get the criticisms out of the way first.
    No, actually, screw that, let's say something nice first:
    Your punctuation, grammar and capitalisation are all perfect!
    Wooo! Go you!
    Hehehehe.
    Right, now where was I?
    Oh yes.
    The first half of this poem is alright. I always try to shy away from saying things like that, because it makes me feel bad to say to someone 'No it's not bad, there's nothing wrong with it, it's just not great either'
    As a writer it's a horrible place to be in, because while there's something wrong with a work, you can fix it, but as soon as it becomes something that just doesn't show up on the radar, what can you do?
    However, and it's a big however, the second half of the poem more than makes up for it. In the second half you seem to find this amazing voice you have in poetry. This wierd, surreal and slightly desperate voice I keep seeing you use. I love it. It's the voice of a person that doesn't quite fit in with the world around them, because they see things differently. Someone that regards the world with part innocence, part trepadation.
    It's this 'voice' of yours that finds all these wierd and wonderful metaphors that I find so utterly delightful.

    "My cold, blue blood
    Wont stop spinning,
    Wet from my elbows.
    Like water does,
    When you look down in the shower."

    Those there are the best five lines in the whole poem, especially that last one, it's really great.
    Seriously, I'm learning an awful lot for reading your work, and it's been a long time since I've found someone that I can learn from like that without feeling completely humbled and intimidated by, so thank you.
    Do keep up your hard work with writing, and your battles with punctuation and grammar, you'll win out in the end. When I finally get a mic for this PC, it'll make it easier for me to explain to you, because then I can show you how I read some of your work.
    Anyway, gone on far too long again now!
    Warmest regards,
    Roses
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ]
      "You go, taking with you
    All the certainty I can crush
    Into a weekend visit." - Talk about a striking entrance...Just these three lines hold so much emotion...Made me think of jellyfish and how transparent and vulnerable they are, with all of them there, for the world to see...He is your world, he is seeing your fear, hearing your pleading words - and there is nothing you can do, because that is you. Fragile and exposed and vulnerable...

    "With all the discomfort of eggshells
    Gritted in my teeth,
    I heard you tell me you have to go." - what a way to show you down on the floor, his rejection having you crawling on eggshels...So vivid, so emotional...

    And in regards to you description - there's a reason why so many people in the world love and appreciate sushi...Its the delicate combination of raw and tender, of the complexity of the taste, the simple presentation and often complex contents...

    Only my opinion - but I think it would really work as a title...

    The only other thing that came to mind was the ending...It felt slightly out of pace with the sharp imagery of the body of the poem..It felt like it lost the strength of your feelings...but wasnt defeated enough...if that makes any sense...

    All in all, this was incredibly emotional, vivid and (if it is possible to say so about someone's heartbreak) beautiful. Your imagery is innovative, vivid and full of feelings; the layout is very fitting to the piece; the words have love and pain and loss, whilst not actually using any of those directly...

    It feels autobiographical...which is why I feel very akward, offering suggestions and such like - if it indeed is true to you, I hope I havent caused offense...

    All the best,

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    58547

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry