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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "Till The Thrill Was Gone"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 931
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 414



    Description:
       just saw some people jonesing for LT so this I hope holds you over till the next harvest.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Till The Thrill Was Gone"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    My time gets divided
    between things I donít want to do,
    And things I do but never liked
    Like you.
    Why bother to fight it.
    Itís just lifeís grip around your neck getting tighter.
    And as I asphyxiate,
    I delegate
    My will.
    Cause itís gone,
    And so is the thrill.

    lamemansterms





    Submitted on 2005-05-12 20:32:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i love this. it describes every persons frustration with the things we do that we don't like to do. nice and short and well written. nice job. i especially like the line:
    And things I do but never liked it
    Like you.

    kind of had a double meaning to me...funny
    | Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by Tinasha | [ Reply to This ]
      Man, I think that you're thinking about that chick from VAlentine's Day. Get it all out dude. Maybe then you'll figure out the answer to your journal.
    ~Jess
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      I f*cking love this.....
    ya...i like the idea, the feeling, the flow of it..i like the words you choose. very nice.
    okay i only have one issue here...

    and things i do but never like....
    like you

    i think that sounds a little more...uh..proper. things i do but never liked it. is wrong because your using 'things i do' in the present tense and 'but never liked it' in the past tense. besides if you just saylike it flows to the next line....

    like you....

    but other than that i love it and it did feed my LT desire...but only for awhile.
    keep it comin' sexy.

    CC
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this, it was cut-throat honest. I admire that you seemed to have gotten all your emotions out on this one. Great write, the form of this poem adds to it I think, it gives it better flow. A few lines could use revision, better wroding but overall another good poem.
    Hope all is better for you soon, it can't rain everday.
    Take Care,
    -Tom
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      I get the point, been there.

    Itís just lifeís grip around your neck getting tighter.
    And as I asphyxiate

    I think to keep this in the flow, "your" might work better as "my"

    Itís just lifeís grip around my neck getting tighter.
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      Hay, I like certain parts of this write but I'm still sort of confused on the direction you are trying to go with this.

    I really like the first four lines even though I think that the third would be better written:
    "And the things I do but never liked" the 'it' at the end seems a bit out of place. You shoulod take this out.

    You need a question mark after the fifth line. I like this though, how you seemed to divided the peice just like your thoughts with a question.

    I think I might have an idea of where you are going with this one so bare with me. It seems, to me, that the subject of the poem (you of course) is somewhat bored with life. I'm not sure about this peice though, so if you want to expand on your ideas with a reply I would like that.
    Thanks for the read though, PEACE.
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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