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    dots Submission Name: Flowershinedots

    Author: childs
    ASL Info:    30/Male/Ca
    Elite Ratio:    3.43 - 246/144/34
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 999
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1131


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    In a narrow lit base of junkshop diamonds
    We are lounge singers living off desperation’s tips.

    Painting portraits of disjointed families
    inside these liquor lock tombs
    A sequel of sorts, to my biopic
    Cradling, items of wounds.

    And in my medicine mind drawer
    Sins do Claw
    However, the ghouls that float
    Hold so I don't see my flaws

    The size of a finger palm foreigner
    The pulsing of nonlinear thoughts
    This Head against the linoleum floor.

    BlackBirds scatter
    Church bells chime.
    True sunday world light - she’s a tinge of failure

    High above the steps my eyes flicker upward
    Hidding on a hill, her eyes flicker downward
    a religious feel

    Moving my prize forward
    cutting waist water scars
    Of drunken cash paying fools
    Proped up and winning
    She’s my dying,
    flowershine girl.

    Submitted on 2005-05-13 03:30:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This has nice imagery, but you need to work on your punctuation and spelling.

    In a narrow lit base, of junkshop diamonds
    We are lounge singers, living off, desperation’s tips.

    You don't need the comma in the first line. You don't need to set "living off" apart with commas. I'd prefer you said "living off of desperation's tips."

    Painting portraits of disjointed families,
    inside these liquor lock tombs
    A sequel of sorts, to my biopic
    Cradling, items of wounds.

    Again, this is oddly punctuated. I don't see the need for the comma after families, but if you feel that "inside these liquor lock tombs" is an appositive, you need a comma after tombs or you could end the sentence there.

    I think you mean nonlinear thoughts (not "non liner thoughts").

    BlackBirds scatter.
    Church bells chime.
    Tru sunday world light, she’s a tinge of failure in my bite

    I think you mean "Through Sunday-world light." I think I'd hyphenate a lot of the two-word coinages like that in the poem.

    I think I'd just omit the majority of the punctuation in this (Get rid of commas, periods, and basically anything except apostrophes, hyphens, and the like because it's acceptable to do so, and your odd punctuation throws off any semblance of flow in this).
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the imagery you have painted :)

    "The size of a finger palm foreigner
    The pulsing of non liner thoughts
    This Head against the linoleum floor."..this is well-written. It transforms the reader to another world.
    | Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by vedanta19 | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece is 1 of your's that reminds me of the city. You paint such a powerful picture and always you enable the reader to be transported. You very much remind me of Pink Floyd lyrics sometimes.
    Thank you for the early-morning read. Love,Peace,Joy!
    | Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Yo Childs, this probably is a great piece. I loved and did not like it all at once, which means it did what poems are in part suppose to do. I had to re-read it a few times, that is one of my dislikes. I love a poem fully when you do not have to guess or interpret the meaning. But I truly loved some of your expressions like; "Painting portraits of disjointed families, inside these liquor lock tombs" Overall this is a good write and certainly provoking.
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by oixi | [ Reply to This ]
      this is one of those poems where you have to read it a few times to really understand the deeper meaning, and when you have to do that you know its a really great poem. unless there is no meaning...this really struck something within me, i really enjoyed it. it was beautiful and i loved the wording you used. it would be a great song, im putting this in my favs.
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by Rosalynn Annett | [ Reply to This ]
      Maybe I'm off today but I wasn't quite sure how to take this...it seemed pretty jumbled to me with confusing imagery. Didn't really care for it.
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by pyrestarter | [ Reply to This ]
      you could turn this into a song
    thats how good it is i like your poetry
    i like the words you use
    i love the imagery, and the sense of feeling it gives me
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by Angel McCalmon | [ Reply to This ]

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