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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unseen Realmsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nevender
    ASL Info:    23 M Uganda
    Elite Ratio:    5.58 - 350/301/83
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1036
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 674



    Description:
       yes, there is more to life than the physical, God's being abused by those he made, they're worshipping those he rejected. its a time of war- and most of you can't see it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnseen Realmsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    So you think you see it all-
    Everyday, the buildings, the sky,the cars,
    You assume that's all there is to it.

    You live the life
    American dream life,
    The posh cars and the hot babes
    You cannot see what's behind it.

    Behind the sweat of pleasure
    The force that pulls you to itself
    Laughs, smiling, whenever you do what you do.

    The forces plan, organise and attack
    And you kill,steal,have sex,
    What pleasure you imagine
    Yet forget the curses that follow.

    My son, there is a war going on...

    (to be continued)





    Submitted on 2005-05-13 04:06:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, Joel. This is a very powerful piece and I'm glad that you posted it. Although there are some minor spelling errors in it 'orangise' I think is suppose to be 'organize' also 'continued' well those are it. Have a blessed day and I can't wait to see the second part to this one.
    -Charlenee
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by Charlenee | [ Reply to This ]
      JOEL! It's been so long since you've posted and I'm glad you did cos this really woke me up. It's a serious topic for one somewhat negative but it gets the message across. Ah to be contined... Just as we continue living life- you and I both know life is not always the American dream, just as you said there is a war going on sometimes we are just to blind to see it and when that day comes I am sure we will all be saying "What have I accmplished in this life?" Good luck and be happy.
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
      I am someone with a great faith in God, and honestly a god who have followers who think in terms of war scares me.

    Well from your poem seems that only American people are shallow, or maybe that this poem is addressed only to them.

    I am not American, I do know a lot of shallow people doubled with hypocrisy.

    I agree that Respect is what lacks in the world.
    and It takes different kinds of people to make a world.
    To get your message to people do not preach, Which seems what you are doing here, religious men have preached and got nowhere.

    I can understand that stealing is wrong, and that sex is tabou and considered wrong to a lot of people, but I do not see how dancing is wrong.
    You mention dancing while there are a lot of more important "wrongs" in the world.
    What about killing? What about lying?
    And dancing is an expression of happiness, and happiness never offended any god.
    I think this retracts from your poem's main point.
    I am not gonna point out the grammatical errors again, I think everyone else did, and I agree with them.

    The battle of good and evil is not only the concern of religious people, and telling people you know better is not appealing. To have people support your cause tou do not have to talk to them agressively, you have to woo them instead.

    People run away more and more from religion, because they always find someone telling them what to do or what to believe, and not point out the soul of the religion.
    People who are outside a religion can sometimes prove to be better than those who follow blindly, and kill in the name of God.

    You want to appeal not to repel, work on the tone of your poem, you have a very important theme there, make the reader go through your piece and say yeah he is right, instead why does he wanna meddle in my life.

    Involve people in your cause, even if they do not support it, that way the " war" is halfway won.

    Good luck
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm....I really like the subject matter..and I respect the fact that you feel strongly about this...we need more people in the world to care...

    But I have to agree with Ellisa, your tone is rather condescending...Which is sad, because its a really good piece - but you put the reader off in your description...

    Some little bits I picked out:

    'You live the life,
    American dream life" - I think this could be stronger if you changed it slightly, to something along the lines of:

    "You life the life,
    Chase your American Dream"

    And I think the next lines detract from the power of the idea behind the poem...I understand that you're trying to portray the shallow levels of those obsessed with the material - but there are so many combining the material and the spiritual...I feel that you could use a different image here...

    The 'sex' doesnt really work as a verb, IMHO - maybe 'you dance, steal and desire'? Keeps the idea, but its more fluent this way...

    And in the last line, maybe change the 'son' to 'child'? That way, its more accessible to the reader :)

    These are all just my thoughts though - but if you find them helpful, I'll be happy :)

    All the best,

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm here to critique your poetry, so whether or not I agree with your opinions, that's what'll do.
    The tone here is distanced and authorative, which may appear to be condescending but I think reflects, at least for me, the liturgy very well - that feeling that we cannot know what is best for ourselves because only God knows that. The concise clauses are very strong and do aid this. I'm not sure about the repitition of life, I don't think it adds momentum, or gives us a pause to think, rather, it jars are reading and seems to slow the poem's pace. I also agree with Elisa that there is a grammatical confusion in the stanza:

    The forces plan, organise and attack
    And you dance,steal and sex,
    Wht pleasure you imagine
    Yet forget the curses that follow.

    should perhaps be:

    The forces plan, organise and attack
    And you dance,steal, have sex,
    What pleasure you imagine
    Yet forget the curses that follow.

    I like the end though: (to be conitnued) to be continued. It gives the feeling of the afterlife. I think perhaps not bracketing it but putting ... would emphasis this a little more, as brackets suggest confinement. But perhaps it is this absolutist feel you are going for.




    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont much like the attitude of this poem. You take a condescending stanse and how do you know what your reader can and cannot see in life??
    I mean, no, im not religious, but in a day and age during which we have wars over religion i find it difficult when i hear people sounding off about their religion. Sure i dont ming you offering an opinion but dont patronise me and dont tell me im wrong, and above all dont tell me what to believe. I dont believe that this is it entierly, and i try to look after those around me, believing that what goes around comes around. I think i stand behind my moral more than a lot of people because i have chosen them myself rather than being told them by anyone who cares to try...not that i dont listen. i hear what youre saying, and yes, there are a great number of very shallow people out there but what to do to change it? Respect, i often feel, is the element lacking in modern society, respect for one another. Religion often instills disrespect unfortunately.

    The forces plan, organise and attack
    And you dance,steal and sex,
    Wht pleasure you imagine
    Yet forget the curses that follow.

    this stanza doesnt appear to make sense, sex as a verb for example, does not make sense. Anyhow, i see what is wrong with stealing, taking anothers possessions which they have earned is wrong. but whats wrong with sex? whats wrong with dancing? all religions allow that sex is not a sin within the confines of some commitment. and some would say that this is just a complex way of ensuring the safety and wellbeing of children, to which i agree that a stable situation is important. but i dont believe that children outside of marrage is wrong. And i dont believe that i need to be married in order to justify or qualify my relationship with my partner of over a year, as a loving stable relationship. Stuff america and posh cars, im not shallow, just because i experience the physical does not mean i am incapable of the mental and spiritual. and that goes for everyone. Those who block of their bodies instincts, i believe (of what spiritual belief i DO hold) that they are commiting a sin. We must respect one another, but we must also love and share ourselves with those we love (bleugh that sounds so naff when i say it out loud but you see what im saying)
    Its a sin to do things others say without thinking, in my book, therefore it would be great if you could think about what you say in your poem and the way you come across.
    The only reason ive got annoyed is because it seems as if, unthinking, you expect others to listen, but dictatorship has never, and will never work...(a mon avis)


    oh an im not anyones son, thanks


    thanks for sharing, and if you got this far thanks for listening to me. feel free to compaire notes, you could read 'a starfish a train and a storm' if you want to see my take on relationships etc...im sure ive got something somewhere about politics. whatever, feel free.
    later
    ellisa
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]
      Not just an Idea but reality - I think most of us know about the daily attack on our being here (earth) - the good versus the bad/ evil versus good. - the battle of the unseen.

    Like the last line :
    "My son, there is a war going on..."

    There is a slight typo in S4.

    The first stanza is almost like the scene in the matrix number 1 where they drive through the streets to visit the oracle in the matrix. - see the material - buildings, people - but they are not really there.

    Thanks for the write.

    I enjoyed this - it might not sound like it - but I did.

    Kind regards
    BX.
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]
      you speak of the spiritual realm in this write... most ppl are fascinated in the spiritual realm but not many understand it at all...
    i like the way you have presented this... it issues a challenge to make the reader stop and consider the fact that life may not just be all about them...
    great write joel...
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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