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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: On a Sunny Daydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 194
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1316
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1133



    Description:
       Likely not what you expect from the title.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOn a Sunny Daydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I was living on a sunny day
    until the clouds came.
    Deep shadows floating on the ground.
    The air smelled of rain.
    Their tears fall and soak me
    to my inner most garments,
    the ones few others ever see.
    The wind tatters and rips away my coat,
    tares my dress and then all else.
    I am left naked and exposed.
    I looked for shelter but found no home,
    no cave or no hole.
    The old familiar hiding places
    were piles of rubble or filled with bones.
    I shower in the tears,
    cleans the smelly and sacred spots.
    Slowly the clouds moved on.
    The grass greener,
    the leaves sparkling
    with the lingering drops.
    I look at growing things
    I've never seen
    though they had
    obviously flourished for years.
    Upon a branch hangs a robe
    prepared sometime before.
    It is embroidered with gold
    and purple patterns
    that I do not yet understand.
    But, I walk wrapped in comfort.

    As the wind's song sings, I dance.




    Submitted on 2005-05-13 07:55:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hi
    i just wanted to look at some of your older work and this popped out
    its a genuine write where you have described yourself well
    i can see a direct connection between your life and mine
    it seems we have both been in sheer hell to only be rescued
    some people look at me and say what do you mean rescued
    people just dont realize must people dont wear there life on there face for all to see
    i am always amazed at how fast the upper echilion judge those not as well off as them

    by the way may i borrow that robe?
    :-)
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the concept and ideas of this piece, and love the way it started and ended.. however there are the beginning lines I felt needed just a little tweaking, as this is a very interesting and thought provoking poem..I like the theme behind it...

    1. Deep shadows floating on the ground.
    The air smelled of rain.
    I dont like excessive use of full stop it seems to cut down the poems effectiveness. How about,
    Deep shadows floated,
    and the air smelled of rain.
    It flows better.. :)

    Their tears fall and soak me
    to my inner most garments,
    the ones few others ever see.
    This is a very thought provoking stanza..I feel like this poem is a metaphor for life..how some days seems sunny when rain just hits from nowhere, and then from nowhere good luck seems to come also, (the embroidered coat) and what seemd bad experiences (the frighteneing rain, our insides soaked) turn out to be life learning experiences (looking at things in new ways etc) I love this.

    I may have interpreted it wrong, but hey, your poem touched me all the same. ;)

    The more I reread it the more I notice something else about this metaphor for life, its almost like a reference to God as giving us what first seems like hardship.., and then the embroidered coat not YET understood..like everythin happens for a reason...

    And whatever those reasons may be, we should keep our faith in him ie

    As the wind's song sings, I dance.

    Thankyou for the interesting read.
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      The end of this poem is extremely emotive and mystical. Starting at:

    I look at growing things
    I've never seen
    though they had
    obviously flourished for years.
    Upon a branch hangs a robe
    prepared sometime before.
    It is embroidered with gold
    and purple patterns
    that I do not yet understand.
    But, I walk wrapped in comfort.

    As the wind's song sings, I dance.

    All this is strong but the preceding lines do not do it justice.

    The air smelled of rain.
    Their tears fall and soak me
    to my inner most garments,
    the ones few others ever see.

    Are possibly the weakest

    comrade nessie
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    58660

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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