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    dots Submission Name: Faded Melodiesdots

    Author: homeless
    ASL Info:    30
    Elite Ratio:    7.61 - 29/18/23
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 944
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 410

       I'm trying to rediscover my voice. This is a simple piece, I guess. Just be honest and sincere in your critique.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFaded Melodiesdots

    I wish that I had told you
    that you're like a melody
    and you're the only song I hear
    deep inside of me

    I sing the words
    you longed to hear
    The words they never found
    from my lips unto your ear

    I wish that I had told you
    that you're like a melody
    Because even as I hum the tune
    you're just a memory

    Submitted on 2005-05-13 19:26:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      you had the meter in the first stanza, and a little less in the third, but the second stanza seemed very awkward. i don't know if it's the tense in lines 1 and 2 or the beat between 3 and 4. even as a simple piece, another stanza might add some needed depth. good luck with the writing and welcome back.
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by closetpoet | [ Reply to This ]

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