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    dots Submission Name: A Day in Augustdots

    Author: samyalone
    ASL Info:    17/f/my room
    Elite Ratio:    3.85 - 93/67/18
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 1274
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 337

       I wrote this in English class. I just had an idea and wrote about what I was thinking of.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Day in Augustdots

    The great sun sinks slowly into the earth
    The chimes jingle and the wind whistles.
    A chair rocks and the porch creeks
    An old man waits until the time is right
    As it approches, he closes his tired eyes
    Lays back his head and takes a final breath
    And his spirit sinks with the golden sun.

    Submitted on 2005-05-13 19:30:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      wow. your comparison is amazing! just liek the sun going down the man dies quietly and peacefully. very good! again. your an amazing writer.
    | Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by star_on_fire22 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very, very nicely done.
    If I've ever read a nicer description of the last seconds on earth of a person, I can't remember.
    Simply excellent, well done
    Be happy
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the simplicity of this piece is what makes it good. I love the feel of closure- the end of the day, the end of the suns cycle on this side of the earth, the end of the old man's cycle on this side of heaven. The concept of leaving with the "golden sun" was warming. He chooses the right time and decides when to go. I like the idea of his soul traveling with the sun so it is always warm.

    Good job. I wouldn't change anything. I think the old man is whomever we make with our own imagination. For me it was my grandfather.

    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty good for such a short peice ...It did have a very calm spiritual feeling to it ...Which obviously it needed to give the meaning the back up it needs...I dont think it need expanding personally ...Let people use their own visions of what he looks like and such ....Good Job
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a really creative subject to write about. I really enjoyed it. You used great imagery...the only thing i would do different is describe the old man more...i am able to picture everthing perfectly but the old man and how he looks. Don't expand on it to much though...some times to much expansions gives off to much confusion. Good idea....

    Much love to ya,
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...this was short but very powerful...
    in my head I can sort of see the whole thing in my head...the sun beaming down on a leave filled yard and an oldman taking his last breath and then his spirit going with the sunlight..
    This was a very powerful poem with very good imagry...
    Very good job my friend...

    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      ooo i like this! its beautiful! i love how much you describe the sun going down in comparison with the old man dying. i give you props
    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by andnow | [ Reply to This ]

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