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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mother Naturedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hammyj
    ASL Info:    21/m/Notts UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.71 - 130/81/21
    Words: 124
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1065
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 845



    Description:
       I'm really not sure on this one
    If you can let me know what you liked and what you didn't
    Appreciate it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMother Naturedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Who shot the sky?
    The plump white clouds
    are covered in bullet holes!
    Bleeding brilliant blues
    pouring through the wounds
    diluted with yellow rays battling
    against each otherto get to freedom first.

    Who broke the waves?
    The frothy tide lies
    beaten and tattered in pieces
    helplessly on the sand
    It's body carried off into the sea.

    Who deserted the desert?
    The isolated sand moved only
    by the occasional dry storm.
    Mirages appearing here and there.

    Who shone the stars?
    Lit up all night for all to see
    Lighting the path to eternity?

    But like me and you everything comes to an end
    everything dies or will die
    Damn Mother Nature for not making good things last!




    Submitted on 2005-05-13 22:48:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was a tasty read...awesome ideas and the ending really brings it together...you have talent and I like that this poem was really original and the first stanza was probably my favorite.Good Job.
    Jazmine
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Of all the stuff I've read of yours so far, I like this one best. I like the idea of the frilly stuff usually described as a good thing, being turned on its head as negative. I think you could stay with that theme when talking about the stars. I also like the imagery of the clouds being the solid and the blue of the sky being the interloper, the temporary.
    I do think you could improve the line "everything dies, or will die"-to say everything will die, is saying everything dies. You could refine the tenses-"everything is dead, or soon will be" or "everything will die, or is dead".. something to that effect.
    You could also expand, if you wanted, to talk about all the bad stuff that DOES last forever since youve been talking about the good that doesn't. That is IF you wanted to expand. I really like this one!
    | Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by WhisperShout | [ Reply to This ]


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