Description: I was lying in bed at like 3:30 this morning when this started to pop into my head, so I grabbed a random piece of paper (mail or something), and just started writing the words in the dark. So I finished it today and this is what I got. I don't know why I wrote this, I don't even feel this way about anyone.
It might need some revision, so let me know if you think so. I don't like using stanzas very often, so I dont care whether or not they might be needed.
And I'm still 'iffy' about the title, but I guess it'll work for now.
A Love Not Returned -------------------------------------------
You're still pushing me away,
and I'm still loving you anyway,
Not willingly-
So unintentionally.
I refuse to accept
that you're giving up on me.
I wont believe.
I still can't breathe.
You're lying and I'm still dying.
You're everything but what I need.
You keep turning away,
and I keep reaching for you,
wishing you'd stay,
unanble to see that I'd be okay-
without you.
Well...this hit pretty close to home for me. I guess the last lines...I'm trying to deal with a break up...with a man I still want desperately to be with. It's exactly like what you wrote...he pushes me away..and I'm still completely in love. I don't want to accept it or believe it...and I guess..maybe he is everything that I don't need...and I am most definitley unable to see that I'd be okay without him. Thank you for writing this...I love it. ~hailie~
This rings soo true to any girl who had her heart torn by a guy - "You're everything but what I need. You keep turning away, and I keep reaching for you" you described this so well that it's nearly unbelievable that u ain't going thru this all. Keep spreading the love Nadia*
Wow. I cant remember the last time I cried this much. Thats how you know somethings really good...when it just drives the tears out of you like that. Thats exactly how I feel now...how Ive felt for the last 6 months. But i'll get over it eventually, I guess. Although this is a common topic, only some actually get through to people. And yours really made me think. I like it a lot. I dont believe that you need to use a thousand metaphors to make something sound good. I love the words you used. Its perfect. Great job :-)
it does seem "POPpy", but i can relate to the feeling, which is y i like it. seems cliché, but i think that life IS, in fact, the biggest cliché of all, so that's ok w/me.
Umm...yeah ..This is a hard topic to write without making it cliché` ....Maybe try using metaphores ....or just finding a unique way to bring it across ...this kinda sounds like something id see written in a school diary ...Sorry ...Blessed Be
The poem seems to spoonfeed the reader everything you're saying. Poems about unrequited love have been done thousands of times before (there are tons on this site alone), and I don't see much that sets this poem apart from the others.
Try to get the message across without straight out saying "I love you, but you don't love me."
I don't know...your poem seems a little short and rhymie...it reminds me of a verse in a popsong. It somehow just doesn't work. I guess what I'm trying to say is it doesn't seem orginal and it feels like its been done before. There are so many poems that have been written about unrequited love that there is hardly anything that doesn't seen like its been written before. But, it was written at half past three so...anyway I'm not saying that your poem is bad. I'm just not keen on unrequited love. You express yourself well and your poem is nice. I just feel like I've read it before. But you needn't listen to me. Everyone knows I'm nuts.
Omg this is a fave.. i absolutely love it, its great You keep turning away, and I keep reaching for you, wishing you'd stay, unanble to see that I'd be okay- without you. that was my favourite part it just gives me so much strength as if your saying i will be fine without him your showing that everyone will be okay without that person because really all there doing is causing heart ache a really really great write keep it up i love it i really do
Submission Name: A Love Not Returned
