Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the sun and the moondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: andnow
    ASL Info:    19.f.wa
    Elite Ratio:    3.57 - 136/135/42
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 755
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 814



    Description:
       unrequited love


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe sun and the moondots
    -------------------------------------------


    The golden rays shoot through the branches
    glistens on the leaves
    illuminating the valley
    as the sun retreats to rest
    sleeping for tomorrow
    to bring the day again
    leave his traces in the sky
    a watercolor sunset
    cotton candy clouds

    he is the core
    constant central focus
    he brightens up her face
    and yet he is oblivious

    the moon creeps out following
    observes with her silver gaze
    her blanket of stars covering the valley
    diamonds in the sky
    quiet unassuming
    comfort of the vague
    she brings about serenity
    protecting those in slumber

    she only follows behind him
    living in his shadow
    unappreciated jewel
    she is to him obscure




    Submitted on 2005-05-14 18:12:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is very pretty, but I think "cotton candy clouds" has been done to death. I like the metaphorical significance of this. I've done several pieces with the sun being symbolic of men, and the moon being symbolic of women (Some were the opposite just to quirky). In"The golden rays shoot through the branches/ glistens on the leaves," I think I'd say "glistening on the leaves." I'm also not fond of inverted sentences like "she is to him obscure." Why not "she is obscure to him"? I also think there are a few places where you could tighten this: "the moon creeps out following." Why not omit the out? Cutting out extraneous words gives a poem more impact.
    | Posted on 2005-05-22 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Golden rays shoot through branches
    and glisten on the leaves
    illuminating the valley below.
    As the sun retreats
    resting for another new day,
    traces of him remain in the sky.
    A water coloured sunset and
    cotton candy clouds.

    he is the core
    of her unvarying focus
    he brightens her face
    and yet he is oblivious

    the moon secretly
    spys on her with its silver gaze,
    its blanket of stars cover the valley.
    the diamonds of the sky
    quiet, unassuming,
    comforting in vagueness
    she brings about serenity
    protecting those in slumber

    she only follows behind him
    living in his shadow
    an unappreciated jewel
    she is to him obscure


    just more suggestions :-) again they are my thoughts only..
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      you're style is like mine,or mine is like yours
    that is why i like yours i guess.emotions this did not envoke,but topic and what you said was nice
    cool
    wes all toyysruss
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]
      i re-read this and changed it a little bit lol

    the moon secretly
    spys on her with its silver gaze,
    its blanket of stars cover the valley.
    the diamonds of the sky
    quiet, unassuming,
    comforting in vagueness

    let me know what you think lol
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      Another Aussie! Cool! :-) I really like this the wording is beautiful and very descriptive...i also feel that it captures the emotions well...i have a couple of suggestions however...just suggestions i feel would help it to read better...but they are just my thoughts...its your piece :-)

    Golden rays shoot through branches
    glistening on the leaves and
    illuminating the valley.
    As the sun retreats to rest
    resting for the new day to come
    traces of him are left in the sky.
    Water coloured sunset and
    cotton candy clouds.

    he is the core
    of her unvarying focus
    he brightens her face
    and yet he is oblivious

    the moon secretly
    spying on her with its silver gaze
    its blanket of stars cover the valley
    the diamonds of the sky
    quiet, unassuming,
    comforting vagueness
    she brings about serenity
    protecting those in slumber

    she only follows behind him
    living in his shadow
    unappreciated jewel
    she is to him obscure
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      this wasn't bad...i liked it but didn't enjoy reading it...it was cumbersome and could use some rhythm to it...the idea, though unique, could be contrived as a clichéd love story because your imagery on the main characters are somewhat confusing to the reader. It's good, could be better, but good.
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by pyrestarter | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    58868

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry