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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I'm Deaddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ConScribe
    ASL Info:    19/M/Tucson,AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 262/360/143
    Words: 242
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 879
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1468



    Description:
       I don't really like this peice as a whole. I like certain parts but some of it seems to me at least a bit cliché. Tell me what parts you think are good and what parts are bad so I can adjust accordingly.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI'm Deaddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Still beating in its darkened hand
    Divinity rips out my heart,
    I watch it morph into a death
    The careless shifting of an art.

    Now I'm dead, six feet under
    Lost beneath it all, in complex wonder
    How you'll be when you're dead
    Still yet uneasy, in your eternal dread.

    This coffin has left me choking
    On the memories of then
    All the things I was in life
    And what I had never been.

    But now I lay here dim and dumb
    To what I left behind
    I wish I could undo my past
    I wish I could rewind.

    Though I can never do such things
    I can never earn those wings
    Cause now I pay for my crime
    Of thinking little of my time.

    I wish I could call this death,
    Or even call it pointless Hell,
    But here I'm unsure of everything,
    In darkness I can never tell.

    And I rest here unknowing,
    To what was put on my headstone,
    Which now forever reads
    "To Heaven He Has Flown"

    Although such words could never be
    So false to my reality
    Cause I'm not in a Heaven or a Hell
    I'm trapped within this wooden cell.

    So what on Earth did me in
    To such a ghastly death
    Or was my end just the same
    We all die with one last breathe.






    Submitted on 2005-05-14 21:15:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this. There are a few slight choppy places, but I don't believe in nitpicking, especially since the prior few comments have seemed to have shredded your poem to pieces. I love the wording you used, and I must say, I am rather partial to metaphorical and cliché writing...reminds me of the classics which I have always adored. This seems to be almost a simplified twist on Poe, and I love Poe as well. Overall, I think you did a wonderful job, and I will continue looking out for your name!
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by Scribbles1338 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oops. I wrote this critique thingy and then it was just gone. Lol..I shant get mad... dont you just hate that? anyway I liked this poem so it doesnt matter. Like the concept, and some really interesting lines. What I like most though is that its kind of confrontational, in the sense that when most pppl write from the point of view of a narrator who has 'passed on', they're speaking from some point in heaven, or limbo, or sometimes you're not sure at all..but with this, you get the sense of a narrator whose 'soul' is trapped in the 'coffin', whose afterlife is really just burial..and man, thats not we humans like to imagine at all. lol..

    1. I liked the opening stnza very much, as it pulls you in. 'Divinity rips out my heart..' love the word usage. The rhyme flows nicely, and I like how you alternate between 2 different styles in the poem, it adds a nice touch.

    2. With this 2nd stanza, I thought maybe it could just be 'lost beneath, in complex wonder'?
    And I think the 'yet' si unnecesserary and it would sound better if it wasnt there. :)

    3. I dont like the rhyming of 'then' with 'been'. Im sure you can come up with something better. What abt 'din' for ben? din could signify life..lol...

    4. Like the fourth stanza, flows nicely

    5. Though I can never do such things
    I can never earn those wings
    Cause now I pay for my crime
    Of thinking little of my time.
    I think this stanza detracts a little from the rest of poem, though the concept behind it is good, it needs a little tweaking. Im not sure if the first two lines should rhyme..but again, Im sure you'll come up with something.. :)

    6. Love this stanza, flows nicely, and really brings across what i was thnking by that point in the poem.

    7. And I rest here unknowing,
    To what was put on my headstone,
    Which now forever reads
    "To Heaven He Has Flown"

    I like how you used the term 'rest' very ironic..lol..

    mmm... what abt
    And I rest here unaware
    of the lettering on my headstone..?
    its just the 2nd line that seems a bit choppy,
    'to what was put here on..'

    But I like this very much, cos its true, most people dont know what their tombstone says..lol...

    8. Although such words could never be
    So false to my reality
    Cause I'm not in a Heaven or a Hell
    I'm trapped within this wooden cell.

    This confused me. Although I know what your gettin at and like how it ties in with the previous stanza, I think the first 2 lines contradict the poem. and again I dont know if rhyming the first 2 lines when the last 2 also rhyme is effective..
    I like this stanza, so just a little tweaking would be cool. :)

    9. I like the stanza its kinda funny too...and I like how it ends in the same rhyme scheme the poem started..very nice...
    breathe is 'breath' and also, I think the last 2 lines are a little choppy in flow, I love how the first 2 started, the last line just seems a bit out of place in rhythm a little bit..

    All in all, good poem and I enjoyed reading it. The above are just my humble suggestions, but I wuld love to see a revised version. Post me if you do. Thanks for the read, cheers.
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      I like where you are going on this piece.

    Good: The flow is nice as well as the idea you have with it.

    Bad: Last three stanzas confuse me.

    And I rest here unknowing,
    To what was put on my headstone,
    Which now forever reads
    "To Heaven He Has Flown"

    (It could be me but, headstone and flown I don't think really go together. Again, could be me (as it is sort of late... ))

    Although such words could never be
    So false to my reality
    Cause I'm not in a Heaven or a Hell
    I'm trapped within this wooden cell.

    ((You change the lines a bit... unless this is free verse...))

    So what on Earth did me in
    To such a ghastly death
    Or was my end just the same
    We all die with one last breathe.

    ((Doesn't seem to work with me. Don't take me wrong, I love this poem but this last one doesn't work for me. I'm sorry.))

    Other than that, I love it! Keep it up!

    †Bree†
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by Destined | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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