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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: lonely girl...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: punk_rock_chick
    Elite Ratio:    2.25 - 7/12/4
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Misc/Depressed
    Total Views: 861
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 474



    Description:
       PLEASE GIVE ME HELPFUL FEED BACK TO HELP ME MAKE MY POEMS BETTER, THANK-YOU 4 READING MY POEMS!!!

    UNKNOWN CHICK


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotslonely girl...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    here lays a broken-heart of a young lonely girl,
    her tears fall on a black pillow,
    whats she crying for?
    no one knows,
    is she crying for someone or something that has lift her here by her self in this big black world she does not know,
    or is it just her venting her fear,anger,love,and hurt all to this one person who does not care that she feels the way she does about them.......

    ??OR IS SHE HIDING??




    Submitted on 2005-05-14 21:26:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Poetry is a very personal thing and it is different for everyone. Might I suggest more of a structure? When a thought is expressed in words it is conveyed easier when it flows. Of course, if this piece is good the way it is to you, that is all that matters. Take care.
    | Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      I totally agree. This is a good poem. It has a lot of feeling and creates a good mood (or is that creates the mood well...).

    The first thing i thought was structure (yes, i'm being honest).

    I believe this has a lot of feeling and it does provoke emotions well. The symbolic metaphor "black pillow" helps create the mood.

    As said before, structure would go a long way.

    This is a great piece and there is room for expansion. Adding 1 or 2 more stanzas would help the reader become more involved in the piece and the reader would become more attatched.

    This is good :) Keep it up :)
    | Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by Eagle | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, start with a little structure. depending on the poem, if the reader can move from thought to thought in a more fluid manner, it makes it easier to read and more enjoyable. sometimes less is more...shorten the run on sentences to finer points:
    "no one knows,
    is she crying for someone or something that has lift her here by her self in this big black world she does not know,"

    maybe:

    for the someone that has left her,
    or the something she's left with
    no one knows,
    especially her

    maybe more descriptive language to punch up things. i think you had a nice thought with the ending, maybe lead the readerr into the question of whether she's hiding or not.
    keep writing what you feel. good luck
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by closetpoet | [ Reply to This ]


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