I want to tell everyone. I want to talk to them about everything. And at the same time, it's so much easier not to think about it all.
And that's exactly what I don't want to be-- numb. So what do I do with the pain? You would think that it could be like a heavy load; sharing some of the burden would make it easier for me, even if everyone just took a little piece, a handful. But that doesn't leave me any closer to finding the truth, or happiness. And it leaves everyone else with a handful more.
So I'll smile and ignore it from the time I push off the covers and crawl out of bed, and I'll keep it away as long as I can. And when the night gets darker and everyone is asleep and I'm left alone, it'll hurt. Until I fall asleep, and wake up, and push off the covers, and repeat it over and over again. And then maybe-- once I've done it a hundred, a thousand, a million times-- then maybe it'll get easier.