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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Rooftop Chardonnaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Katia
    ASL Info:    23/F/Europe
    Elite Ratio:    6.39 - 586/529/29
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1538
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 697



    Description:
       In response to the 'post a drunken poem' challenge we have this weekend...with stolie77 and Brownsdelight....

    Written on the rooftop of my building this evening.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Rooftop Chardonnaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    From my elevated position
    I see the earth
    Bubble
    In thoughts and sores

    (Ashen faces
    Staring into
    The black London sky
    )

    Wrestle the pen
    from my South African
    Muse…
    She looks
    Blanc,
    speaks dry
    tonight,
    Swirling
    On the tip of my tongue
    like a crisp
    Snowflake

    (we keep
    climbing higher
    to get some perspective
    )


    I will never
    Be able
    To make a wish
    In this city

    Too much light pollution




    Submitted on 2005-05-15 19:33:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was a well written piece, you described it in vivid details I thoughts...I also liked the way it flowed...Very nicely done.
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by t0_eazy | [ Reply to This ]
      This is the second piece I've read by you...maybe the third...and I did rather enjoy it. I'm not going to comment much on it since it was "just" a contest poem, but deserves way more merit than that. Beautiful write.

    Amen for women who dream in ink wells.

    Ryan B. Wilbur
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by 27_deadpoets | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this piece in its' uniqueness. I have written a few poems born of alcoholic laced thoughts and they are titled as such. This had some nice wording, I like how you played with them. The snowflake image was a nice touch, all in all an intoxicating write, take care.
    | Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      Now I don't really drink and I can't imagine me writing a poem when I was drinking or drunk.

    I must give you a standing ovation on this poem,it was silky smooth to the tongue. It was exactly how a person who would be feeling from drinking, having a nice relaxing sip or too, to a slight buzz and ending with the harsh tone. This was a brillant piece of writing
    | Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. I'd delete the last line though. I think it ends more strongly with "I will never be able to make a wish in this city."

    I truly love the simplicity and the depth of emotion and meaning expressed. Nicely done.
    | Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by _n3pt | [ Reply to This ]
      you hooked me right at the beginning you did. "thoughts and sores" is brilliant,. i climbed higher with your muse too, away from neon lights. wonderful slice of minimalism on a rooftop!
    thanks.
    !Cat
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I would have gone with "ashen faces" rather than "souls" if only because it paints a starker, more vivid picture <what's a soul look like, anyways?> The only other line I can find fault with is S1L2, and I believe "earth" is a missed opportunity to say something more ummm . . . arresting.

    But aside from these minor points . . . I loved it and I've added it to my list of faves in which the name "Katia" is quickly becoming dominant.
    | Posted on 2005-05-21 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      this challenge makes me wonder how many of you guys don't usually write when drunk...I almost can't contain myself when I drink...constantly scribbling or longing to

    ENOUGH ABOUT ME!

    You really got me from the opening line...and then the bubble/sore thing was cool, but I think the true magic comes in your clever description of your "muse". The ending is poignant, and the italics device was well used.

    Now, for the annoying nitpicking. And yes, I am keeping in mind the fact that you were drunk, but you're not now, right?

    As I said I love the way you describe your muse, with the "blanc" look and the "dry" speech, but the word "Crumbling" seems out of place. Couldn't it be swishing or dancing? I get how a snow flake might crumble to some extent, but wine?

    then there is the 'get some perspective'...because of the way the question mark interfers with the second one it makes the first one look naked and thus out of place. I think it would work better if you either eliminated them or went with full quotation marks.

    K. That's the best I can do and trust me, I don't have to nitpick your work at all. It's always excellent as is. I do it because I feel like we have connected to some degree and thus I feel an obligation to tell you what I see, but if it is too annoying let me know.

    Good stuff...there is always a layer of depth to your work <-stupid little smile guy because he doesn't know how to smile really big
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      AHHH . nice. only semi-soloce from daily annoyances. The bubbling sores image is one of the best I have heard in a while. I love how you personified your glass of wine. the solace doen not come from a view... from the outside, but rests inside a curvaseuos bottle. Very nicely put... much more elequent than the cheep chit I buy at the can food store.
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      drunk poetry is the best. " In wine there is truth." I love the first line "In my elevated position"...standing tall at the top of your piece. I love the askew quality of your structure when you just look at it first off; a little drunky stumbling.

    I will have to try this South African nectar I have heard references of 3 times in one week. Awkward made reference to it in one of his comments to me.

    Love the stanza about wrestling the pen from your muse. It is hard enough to wrestle when we are not schnackered. But it is more fun when we are.

    The "ashen souls" was really the only image that didn't go down quite a smoothly as the rest of the piece. Only because it has such a morbid quality. But then when we are under the influence of alcohol and other substances, our moods plummet and soar. We go back and forth between being high and seeing everything as crap. We love people so much we have to tell them and then we hate them in the next breath. So, maybe it works.

    I love the two closing stanza's. I find myself "climbing to get perspective" as well. As if somehow from up above we will magically see everything fall into place.

    Come see me in the plains of Nebraska, we will go out in the tall prairie grass and you will see every star that falls...you can wish on one of these.

    be well...Rene'
    | Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting, for writing this while you were drunk, you did an awesome job. Whether drunk or high, I could never write worth a sh*t. I have to be sober, then it takes me days to come up with something. So either way I'm screwed.

    I like this, keep it up, I look forward to reading more.

    Unicorn.
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, so I'm sitting here sipping some chianti, savoring a clove cigarette (my every now & again treat to myself) blown away by your writing and I have read this for a second time (ok 5th) You have placed me on that rooftop and I can see the black skies of London and would, I believe, wear shades to block the pollution - One of the most beautiful "rooftop" moments in my life was sitting with a friend, looking at the stars above while drinking a few bottles of my grandfather's red wine - a beautiful night and I haven't thought about that for years - Thank you for the reminder
    *smiles and toasts you from a little town in the US)
    Lisa
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wish I could do that (cna't for any number of reasons). Nice piece. You write pretty well drunk. ;-)

    Peace,

    Joey

    [Computer says I need more words...]
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done! I see you on the rooftop with a bottle of S.A. chardonnay, looking down on the bleakness of the world. Relaxing only after some of that wine, and then becoming observant. I liked the lines "I will never/ Be able?/ To make a wish/ In this city// Too much light pollution." It was as if the Chardonnay and altitude did not help with the creative process. Thus, the poem ends, leaving me wanting more. Well written, with original phrasing "the earth/ bubble". Reading this was enjoyable, because of it's unique style, and unusual presentation.

    All that I could suggest is to expand it and gives us more. What happens next?

    Very good poem!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      oooo, Miss Katia-

    how incredible this is! A little wine, a bit of altitude and the thoughts start to flow, quite nicely i might add!

    what i take from this is a couple of different emotions throughout. In the beginning i see frustration. i see the complex idealistic views of life situations forcing you to get away for a moment of solitude.

    slowly the calming effect begins to take a toll on you. (great personification there!)

    then finally gives way to a more resolved tone. with the idea that you still so desperately would make that wish, if only outside factors would stop making it so difficult to continue to dream.

    it seems our inebriated realities stir the yearning a bit more than usual huh? LOL

    i would say this is a lovely thought provoking piece, but ummmm...please come on down from the roof...!

    -Nikki
    | Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
      You wino!! J/k. Hey IMHO i think it tastes just like the rooftop Chardonnays that I might rmbr. First off the symmetry is well appreciated to give balance to our poor drunken poetry reading (We must after all get in the mood; cheers;)).

    ST1: is coo: the earth bubblin with thoughts and sores. Sores do indeed bubble (those nasty ones) and i like the contrast you make between the Earth and your elevated (albeit drunken (annoying?) Katia state).

    (1) don't know about ashen though: it just doesn't seem to have the same tone as the rest of your nouveau rich, yuppy superiority textured poem.

    ST2: This is a coo quirky stanza. I love that personnification of your muse (and you know how i dig my muses). you meld well your drink of choice and the thoughtful words we will have come to expect of you. :)

    (2) no comment, not cs this parenthetical interlude isn't good, but cs it precisely is not not any good. It's quite good.

    ST3 Here's the meaningful heart of your poem. I feel its beat, steady and communicative.

    (3) and you end with a very [censored] remark, bringing us back to reality while not letting us go without a departing thought provoking metaphore.

    Nicely done. :) Peace
    Raz
    | Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
      The taste swirling on your tongue like a crisp snowflake, that is a great image, more than a taste, a tactile sensation. I think you might make dry dryly, but I see why you may wish to leave it. You may wish the point to be clearly obvious, but with your title, I wouldn't worry about the few readers who may miss the point.
    And the same goes for the end, which I might re-order a bit for compactness,

    I will never
    Be able
    To make a wish
    through the light pollution
    In this city.

    Do you like it?

    Your sense of gloom and detatchment came through. An occupant, not a dweller in the Grand Old Towne.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      If there were a prize for the best ending's ever you would win, for sure. I love the ending on everything you write (not to be confused that I don't like the opther parts, I just find the ending to be the most meaningful). It's hard for me to relate to the drunken part of this because I do not drink anymore, long story that I'm sure you don't care about, but it seems that you achieved success for the drunken poem weekend.

    Take Care,
    -Tom
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      i had to read your poem a good 3 or four times to understand it more, but once or twice i saw a image, not fully taken by one scene, flashes of your poems imagry were very very vivid, i give props to ya.

    <3 pierced heart

    I LOVE YOUR POEM!
    | Posted on 2005-07-05 00:00:00 | by PiercedHeart | [ Reply to This ]


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