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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Solodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 244
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1235
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1646



    Description:
       hmm...this is undergoing drastic reconstruction, after i started it last night and left it looking like a bombsite of...words (which is really what all of my poems are, ideas gone boom onto a page making splat marks everywhere, what a mess) not loving this thing much yet...anyway my computer is going weird and it wont let me work in word properly, so any ideas for now would be good and as always much appreciated...ive got to go find whatever virus is chomping through my files...i hear a distant crunching...cheers ;)

    ellisa


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSolodots
    -------------------------------------------



    I walk two hours
    Out to wider streets.
    Built to take the sleepy inner afternoon
    To its suburban conclusion.
    Amid the concrete parted by the life-paths
    Of the alley trees, who bear their fresh badges
    Of young life, for this year;
    Like a thousand green parking permits.
    The new layer, of a smooth white coat
    A spring paint-covering to mark our time alone.

    One day we’ll see one cut down, and count it out
    See how wide this forever really was.
    Their ropy fingers reaching out,
    Into a network that wires the sparse nature
    Refusing to let full go
    Of its last, tenuous but sticky hold
    On this grey earth.
    Like pulling the sappy inside
    Out of a blade of wild grass;
    As the tiny lives try to find a scrap-
    Caressing with their string legs,
    Of Bare skin left uncovered
    By the folds of summer.

    Gardens parked neatly outside
    The predictable Georgian patchwork.
    Or turning down an offshoot
    I find myself in a wilderness populated
    By businesslike bees and a few
    Leafy excuses for flowers.
    Blossom carpets the gutters,
    And Starbucks cups puncture
    My peripheral vision.
    The path ends at the steps, so
    I hesitate, to catch time where it’s standing…
    Still again, hours move sticky against stone
    Leaving silver time-tracks. And people smile
    At my heart struggling,
    Against gale-force winds
    And my head quiet on my shoulders,
    In the eye of a storm.





    Submitted on 2005-05-16 13:38:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with k.c about the whole capital idea. its a bit to forcefull and stop go. it should flow more evenly to itself (like the folds of summer)

    I walk two hours
    Out to wider streets.
    Built to take the sleepy inner afternoon
    To its suburban conclusion.

    the ideas here are so familiar and your words scream originality, thats talent right there.

    Amid the concrete parted by the life-paths
    Of the alley trees, who bear their fresh badges
    Of young life, for this year;
    Like a thousand green parking permits.

    i like your paralels of the city and nature, its great that last line really really sticks with me.

    The new layer, of a smooth white coat
    A spring paint-covering to mark our time alone.

    by "our time alone" do you mean winter?

    One day we’ll see one cut down, and count it out
    See how wide this forever really was.

    in this line do you mean that we believe that our natural resouces will last forever but then one day they are gone and you will see how long forever is?

    Their ropy fingers reaching out,
    Into a network that wires the sparse nature
    Refusing to let full go
    Of its last, tenuous but sticky hold
    On this grey earth.

    i think if you did some more spacing here it would add alot to the poem, just seperate it into chunks. really overall yoru words are mostly perfect, its just the spacing that needs a little tweeking.
    the eye of the storm being the center of the city is great too

    thanks for the read!

    *wendy lee
    | Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by girlunderglass | [ Reply to This ]
      Traditionally we read of descriptions of nature as something to take us to our roots or indications of our sublime nature but here we see something else. Maybe because it is a description of nature in the confines of an urban environment. That is it all seems sterile. Seems like you are relating with all the green foilage in traffic islands and the like, struggling to keep alive in the middle of asphalt, concrete and glass. By the time you are finished on taking us your tour of tumultuous inner suburbia we are left with your cool calm exterior. It took me a few reads before I could appreciate the title. Actually this is so familiar to us all - putting up an artificial excuse for life just to get by.
    | Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
      Making your way through a hectic world on your own, or so it seems from here, and I think I know where this is coming from. You do a wonderful job of contrasting the beauty of nature with the ugliness of over-population and commercialization...

    Their ropy fingers reaching out,
    Into a network that wires the sparse nature
    Refusing to let full go
    Of its last, tenuous but sticky hold
    On this grey earth

    what a tragic yet beautiful statement.

    your descriptions of nature are unique and dammit I must say stunning. For the sake of trying to help I will point out your repetition of the word sticky, but I love it in both places so I wouldn't suggest changing it, just thought I'd point it out incase you missed it.

    I hesitate, to catch time where it’s standing…
    Still again, hours move sticky against stone
    Leaving silver time-tracks

    just incredible

    I'm not sure what you dislike about this piece. Maybe it's that it strays so much from your typical style, the trademark obscure metaphors, but for my taste, this is the most beautiful thing I've read from you. There is something about it that doesn't make promises, yet gives hope, that you will be okay on your own, and being the optimist, I believe it to be true. You are indeed in the eye of the storm right now, but to read this I feel like you are finding some peace in there, and it will only get better as the storm wanes.

    There is so much subtle wisdom in this piece that I am forced to over-populate my stingy favorites list. I feel like I've been handing them out too frequently of late but I'd be a liar to leave this one out.
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I was compelled to read this poem once through...then back to the top to read it through again. Few poems interest me this much. Especially lengthier efforts.

    This poem is well written and i wouldn't change the content of it at all. I think its fine just the way it is.

    I was just remembering something that occurred to me before when i was reading your work. I was thinking that this poem might read better if it didn't have capitals at the start of each line. I know that it is your deliberate intent to write this in a traditional style (complete sentences and all :). I just thought it might slip past the eyes and roll around in the skull a little easier without all the capitals.

    I could be all wrong. Its up to you. You might look at it. Thanks for the read.

    later, kc
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]


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