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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sweet Revengedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: prettybaby
    Elite Ratio:    6.59 - 191/194/59
    Words: 268
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1248
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1796



    Description:
       wow, I used to be crazy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSweet Revengedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The look in your eyes
    Is melting my soul
    I'm sinking slowly
    I'm losing control
    The words off your tongue
    Poison my ears
    They're full of things
    I never wanted to hear
    The lack of your touch
    Is freezing my pride
    The ice takes over
    And shreds me inside
    Into my lungs
    Seeps the scent of you
    Diffusing my senses
    My heart breaks in two
    With every breath
    You kill me again
    But I'm still holding on
    I'll never give in
    I can't take the pain
    Or the things that you've done
    I know that my suffering
    Has only just begun
    But I will not surrender
    I won't let you win
    I'm never going to make
    That mistake again
    You're destroying all my hopes
    My dreams are going blind
    I'm losing sight of all the things
    I gave up trying to find
    As I'm slowly dying
    I'm beginning to see
    What started with you
    Is now ending with me
    Everything you've done to me
    I'll show you how it feels
    I want to cut your heart in half
    So it will never heal
    With my final bit of strength
    I'm wielding this knife
    Take a good look, for this is the thing
    That will end your life
    Give yourself up
    Close your eyes
    This is punishment
    For all your lies
    Think of the pain
    You gave freely to me
    You don't know what it feels like
    But soon you will see
    No matter how long I must wait
    I'll get my sweet revenge
    I'll find the strength to start anew
    As your time comes to an end




    Submitted on 2005-05-16 13:56:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Awesome. I love writes like this one. Very good job. :)
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by EseanB | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent! You should have titled this PART II proceeding your very first submission on this web-site! You were first sad and in pain... and in this piece... more angery than any other emotion. My only hope is that you don't become "Faded Light." You sound confident though that this pain will be over... my personal experiance is once you forget about the revenge... that's when you heal. Don't take it with you. It's pretty obvious that you've lived this... so here's my advice in a story. You are a the owner of a store. Your clerk steals money from your store. You fire him, right? Well at this point you can forgive him, but do NOT forget what he did... don't have to hire him back. And with love... you can't relaly sue for damages to your heart. Love has to heal that... and forgiveness is a part of love. Again, you don't have to hire him back... not even as a friend... NEWay... just my ramble on take. I like your work very much... Cheers!
    | Posted on 2005-05-20 00:00:00 | by Isaac | [ Reply to This ]
      excellent rhyme scheme girl, you go! This is brilliant. It has that monosyllabic quality (not completely) but the words of ur poem pound out like ur racing heartbeats in anger for revenge, reminds me somewhat of chidiock tichbornes elegy. This is one in a million, youve added everything in here, yet its so simple but flows gracefully. Excellent. great write, a loved it.
    | Posted on 2005-05-17 00:00:00 | by freak_like_me | [ Reply to This ]
      The words of this poem are great, so is the rhyming. One problem with it though is that the sentences are way too short for a poem this long. It makes the reader think, is there an end to it. The whole thing really does have a lot of emotion in it. I could feel your anger when I was reading it. Over all, it was a very good read. Keep up the good work, but rethink how you put it together.
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      i can so relate it i can almost picture you saying that to the person while seeking revenge it sort of is scary though cause i can basically see a girl standing over the guy with a knife in your hand like ready to stab him as i picture your poem in my head but its good because as you are writing i can feel the pain that you are going through and i am mad at the guy yet i feel sorry for him because of the images in my head
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by sweetrstangel18 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooooh...Three cheers for sweet revenge! But really, that was a great poem. Such hatred and vehemence. Although the topic was a bit clichéd (I hate using that phrase...it's like labeling, but I've read poems with this topic so many times before) the way you portrayed it was not. The flow was pretty good, except some lines were disproportional to the overall structural size of the poem. The rhyme was all right...very simple, but somewhat imperfect in some parts:

    The lack of your touch
    Is freezing my pride
    The ice takes over
    And shreds my insides
    -You could probably change the last line to "And shreds me inside"

    Everything you've done to me
    I'll show you how it feels
    I want to cut your heart in half
    So it will never heal
    -The last line could maybe be "Just so it never heals"

    Think of the pain
    You gave freely to me
    You don't know what it feels like
    But soon you will see
    -"You gave freely to me" would sound better if you switched "gave" and "freely"

    Punctuation would also help. It'd give the reader a clearer, cleaner, smoother read of this piece. Overall, nice job; great portrayal of feelings. I hope this comment was helpful.
    -Azrael
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by Tears of Azrael | [ Reply to This ]
      Fabulous work. This type of writing tends to upset so many people (glue sniffers, I'm sure), but I think it to be very healthy. I agree with Saphire, maybe a little tidbit in the description box...and to never get on your bad side lol. I really liked this though. I belive that love and hate are two sides to the same coin.

    As I'm slowly dying
    I'm beginning to see
    What started with you
    Is now ending with me

    Great stanza. For as much as love can heal, love can kill just as easily. I look forward to reading more of your work. Be well
    ~Rachel~
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]
      i wish you a belated wecome to elite skills.
    jeez girl, remind me not to get on YOUR bad side . some one must have been a real ass hole to you to make you htis mad. or meby you get mad eazily i wouldn't know. this is a kool poem anyways the flow is great the rythe is good and you didnt spell anything wrong! still one thing you could do to make it more understandable would be to use the description box to tell us exactly who it is your're mad at.
    keep on the keepin' on,
    mheracai
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by Saphire Twiligh | [ Reply to This ]


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